When you first set out to learn a language, it’s an act, a game. A game whereby you acquire a habit of writing symbols and making sounds in a certain way, a way that is called [insert name of language].

Unfortunately the word, “game”, carries with it a negative connotation, one implying a lack of seriousness or significance. Games are for children and for your spare time. But then there comes a time to “get real”.

Male. Cow. Excrement. Nothing could be further from the truth. Life itself is nothing other than a set of games of greater or lesser significance. And for us humans, language is one of the most important of those games. Perhaps the most important (? I dunno).

So, I want you to try a game that I played constantly in the intense stages of learning Japanese (i.e. until you get fluent).

The game is called “No Speak English”.

Tell yourself that you don’t speak English or any language other than Japanese.

Believe it.

Act like it.

Act like someone who only speaks Japanese. Look for the Japanese version of anything and everything, because that’s the only language you understand.

Are you on a plane and you need to read the safety pamphlet? (OK, like anyone ever actually reads it, but humour me here). Read the Japanese instructions. Are you travelling somewhere? Buy a Japanese travel guide.

Don’t read the English section or buy English books because “this is serious” or “this is important”, or “this is no time for games”. It is precisely because this is serious and because this is important that you must read it in Japanese.

Whatever it is, just do it in Japanese. Think about it:

How are you ever going to be able to do important. grown-up things in Japanese if you never do important, grown-up things in Japanese?

It isn’t going to happen by itself; you have to create the environment for it to happen. Push the button.

The overarching difference between a native or native-level speaker of Japanese and a typical non-native speaker, is one of pyschology. Specifically, expectation. The native-level speaker of Japanese expects to know Japanese. She believes Japanese is her right; it is who she is; it is where she belongs; she owns it; it is hers.

As someone aspiring to native fluency of Japanese, or indeed any other language, I recommend you start expecting fluency of yourself, that you start believing in your entitlement to this language. Start believing that it is your birthright — at least as a human being — you are merely reclaiming what was always yours.

People don’t own Japanese because they fell out of a uterus on Japanese soil; they own it because they have never thought of not owning it.

As a learner, banish any thoughts of inferiority from your mind. You can be every bit as good as a “native speaker”, and even better, if only because you care about the language in a way that typical native speaker of any language doesn’t. You must care, because you have done something amazing — you have transcended the unchosen, coincidental circumstances of your original birth and nationality to choose a language of your own free will .

Looking to start going to Japanese-Japanese only, but having trouble with the dictionary entries. Well, it turns out that the Sanseido Dictionary is really good because it’s a “concise” dictionary. The entries are short and to the point, rather than long and encyclopedic. Which makes it great for a learner. Japanese text can be intimidating when you’re just getting going. Anyway, give it a try.

Specifically, fighting games. You know, Mortal Kombat, Tekken(鉄拳）, Soul Calibur — the good ones. Anyone who’s played these before has seen (or experienced first-hand) complete beginners defeat advanced players. Just yesterday a make-up-wearing non-video-gaming girrrrrl ripped me to shreds in Tekken 5 on a friend’s PlayStation 3. I told her it was because the “X” and “O” buttons are inverted on Japanese PlayStations, but that was just an excuse.

So why does this kind of thing happen? Some people put it down to “beginner’s luck”. Really? Is there that much “beginner’s luck” in the world? I think we can do better than some cop-out appeal to “luck”.

The real reason is that beginners know something that the more advanced students (be it of video games or language) have forgotten. And that is this: in order to win at the games of video and of language, you cannot do or say what you want to say. You must do or say what you NEED to say. You can’t pull that cool move or say that cool word that you want to. You have to pull the move and say the word that you have to. Just notice how beginners will tend to win by repeating one ugly but effective move over and over again, while the advanced players try to pull all kinds of “sweet tricks” that leave them open to attack.

This may seem to fly in the face of a lot that’s been said on this website. Surely this contradicts with the idea of having fun, and doing it your own way, and becoming fluent.

But it doesn’t. The key is this. Call it the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle of getting things done (real physicists are choking on their donuts right now, but bear with me): You can either get WHERE you want to, or do things HOW you want to, but not both. That is, if you focus on one, you inevitably relinquish control over the other. To put it in a more positive way, you can choose to be uncomprimising on one of where/what, but then you have to be willing to be flexible on the remaining option. You can have either a fixed MEANS or a fixed END, but not both.

This isn’t to say that you can’t have both a satisfying journey and a satisfying destination, just that you have to be open to doing things other than those you may have initially desired or planned in terms of either journey or destination. Fortunately, in any given situation, it’s actually pretty easy to see which matters more — the end or the means — so the choice is a no-brainer, provided you are aware of the choice. In a fighting game, the WHERE is the goal of victory, the HOW are the moves you pull to get there. If you are uncompromising in your moves, you may not win (in fact, you’ll almost certainly lose), but hey, you got to make Cammy shoot that projectile weapon, so good for you.

So, what in heck’s name does this have to do with Japanese or language in general? Just this: if your aim in a conversation is to whip out all the cool words and phrases you know/have just learned, then all well and good. Just be prepared to be misunderstood and/or have a crappy conversation, and/or bore your listener by making her wait until you remember “the right word”. But if your aim is to communicate a meaning, that is if you are fixed on ends rather than means, then you’ll win.

This is why language classes suck. They’re too focussed on means: “you must make sentences using the vocabulary/moves we are learning right now”. In and of itself, that’s not a bad exercise. But as far as teaching you to think and work on your feet, well, forget it; as a philosophy for real life, the typical classroom method of learning languages is utterly bankrupt and only handicaps the student. Native speakers of every language forget words all the freaking time, but no one gives them a failing grade over it, and they don’t sit there having an anxiety attack because they forget the word for “a scheme in which a man and woman trick another man into a compromising situation for blackmail; a badger game”　(美人局【つつもたせ】 by the way — and, yes, it’s a very irregular reading). They just talk around it. Work around it. Explain the concept.

In learning Japanese, especially by the method that’s been explained here and on AntiMoon, with its focus on comprehension/input, your passive vocabulary is going to outstrip your active. You’re going to want to say stuff that’s “on the tip of your tongue” but that won’t come out. But that doesn’t mean you’re handicapped. You just have to be flexible. So, the next time you go to a Japanese electronics store and you don’t know the word for “Cable TV signal splitter”, just ask for “a device that allows the television signal from a single wall port to be divided among multiple television units”, and the shop person will go “Oh, a 分配器【ぶんぱいき】”, and you’ll be like “うん、それ (yeah, that)”. Don’t know the word for “thermometer” (体温計【たいおんけい】）? Ask for “a device that measures body temperature” (体温を計る装置【たいおん　を　はか・る　そう・ち】）. Don’t know the word for “bicameral legislature”? Say “law-making body made up of two parts, generally with one being a larger, weaker organization and the other a smaller, more powerful one”. This is part of why using a Japanese-Japanese dictionary is so good for you — it helps you develop the ability to discuss Japanese in Japanese.

You see, in language, the MESSAGE you wish to communicate is almost always more important than the actual medium of individual words and structures. I’m not saying “let’s go nuts and be ungrammatical”. Absolutely not. I’m saying “let’s get our our priorities straight”. The end is almost always more important than the means, unless the means themselves are an end, but that’s another story. So let go of saying that cool word, and grab hold of the idea you wanted to get across in the first place, because, more likely than not, that was the whole point of it anyway.

As A.G. Hawke, author of The Quick and Dirty Guide to Learning Languages Fast so eloquently put it, we all need to learn to KISS. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Now, you’re not stupid; you’re intelligent. And you want to sound intelligent. But for the sake of time and sanity, focus on understanding, and then on being easy to understand. Finally, as for the being considered intelligent part, that will take care of itself.

This is the story of a fictional boy, his fictional laptop and the fictional operating system “Mado QG”, a piece of software (in the most liberal sense of that word) that takes its sweet time starting up.

It’s all a thinly veiled jab at Microsoft Windows, with the added benefit of being a fun way to learn some Japanese (I hope). Um…yeah, I don’t actually hate Microsoft, and Windows XP is actually really good, I think. But it would be uncomptutergeekish to not make fun of the world’s favorite OS.

For a translation/explanation, scroll down to the bottom , after the story panels. Enjoy!

Oh, and here’s the audio for the story. The background music is by Kevin McLeod (thanks!). He takes donations, too .

未だか。
■まだ【未だ】①一定の時期･段階に達していない､また､その時まで同じ状態がつづいていることを表す｡今でもなお｡いまだに｡｢未だ帰ってこない｣
■か①文語｡自問を示す｡
■Not YET?
■STILL?

よっし、パソコンを使おっか。
■パソコン
｢パーソナルコンピューター｣の略｡｢パソコンゲーム｣
■使おう=Let’s use
■か①文語｡自問を示す｡
■つか･う【使う･遣う】③〔物を〕用に当てる｡役立たせる｡もちいる｡｢だしに使う｣
■Right, time for some PC action.
■Right, let’s use our PC, shall we.
■Okee dokey, time for some computer action.

スイッチ入れてポチッと
■スイッチ
①電気回路の開閉や切り換えを行う器具｡開閉器｡点滅器｡
②鉄道の軌道の切り換え装置｡転轍器｡ポイント｡
■い･れる【入れる】
⑤〔明かり（あかり）･電気などを〕付ける｡
■And we turn on the switch: “cha-chin”.

窓QG。起動中って。
■まど【窓･R窗】①採光･換気･展望などのために天井や壁面に設けられた開口部｡ふつう､ガラス戸などをはめることが多い｡
■きどう【起動】②発電機･発動機･蒸気機関などが運転を開始すること｡始動｡
■ちゅう【中】②その事が現在行われていることを表す｡その事態にあることを表す｡｢会議中｣｢作業中｣｢故障中｣
■って①引用の格助詞｢と｣に同じ｡
■”FenestralOpening QG. Loading”, she says.
■”FenestralOpening QG. Starting up.”, she says.
■”Windows QG. Starting up”, she says.
■”Windows QG Starting up”, huh.

窓QG。未だ起動中。
■Windows QG. Still starting up.

苛苛している。
■いらいら【苛苛】①思い通りにならずあせって落ちつかないようす｡じりじり｡
■苛苛する
■Getting annoyed.
■Getting angry.

窓QGが未だ起動中。苛苛しているし、年取っている。
■Windows QG is STILL starting up. Getting angry AND getting old.
■としをとる【年を取る】年齢の数を加える｡老齢になる｡老いる｡

苛苛して、年取って死んだ。窓QGは未だ起動中。
■Got angry, grew old and died. And Windows QG is STILL starting up.
■としをとる【年を取る】年齢の数を加える｡老齢になる｡老いる｡
■し･ぬ【死ぬ】①生物の呼吸がとまり､命が終わる｡息をひきとる｡息絶える｡

終わり
■おわり【終(わ)り】①〔空間的･時間的に続いているものの〕それ以上先がないところ｡しまい｡最後｡
■The end