Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but then…yeah, anyway…

This is the fourth (extremely late) installment in a new (ideally) weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”.

お待たせ（またせ）！So sorry to keep you waiting for this week’s お巫山戯. The Khatz and I attended two big wedding parties last week, and, being the grungy T-shirts-lounge-pants-and-sneaker-wearing geeks that we are, it took a LOT of effort and focus and positive pep talks (and bribes from our friends) to get us off our lazy a**es and into formal attire. Anything formal…is like Kryptonite to us…but we did it…and it was actually incredibly fun, and we’re extremely lucky to have such awesome, patient friends. But, like I said, it took a bit of time and energy so that is why this is so late this week.

I’ve decided to take a short break from my recent obsession with potty training (I’m guessing you’d probably like to give your gag reflex a rest) and turn to something much more…pretty…and sparkling and cozy like pink hearts and glitter and fluffy bunnies!! So this week we’re going to take out our frilly Lolita umbrellas and frolic around in the magical Hello-Kitty-esque land of…

✭⋱⋆ღ♥ஐカワイイ!!!ஐ♥ღ⋆⋰ ✭

Just what exactly is 可愛い（かわいい）? Let me introduce you to some experts on the subject…

Kittens!

This little kitten （子猫／こねこ） is 可愛い…

So is this extremely sleepy （眠い／ねむい） one:

And this kitten is SUPER kawaii (超可愛い／ちょうかわいい):

Awww, ain’t that precious. 可愛くない（かわいくない）！？ There’s only one thing more 可愛い than kittens…

School Girls!

Q: What do you get when you cross 可愛い with 女子高生（じょしこうせい） — those world-renowned Japanese high school girls in ultra-short-skirted (they really are, even in the winter…I’m totally in awe…no idea how they do it) uniforms?
A: 萌え（もえ）！！

And right now nothing is as 可愛い or 女子高生 or 萌え as the manga/anime series らき☆すた (“Lucky ☆ Star” — Yes, that is an actual star symbol in the middle. Get used to it! We’re not in Kansas anymore…)

Now, I’m warning you. The intro song, もってけ！セーラーふく (Work that sailor uniform!), is like 可愛い ON STEROIDS. Brace yourself, okay? Here’s the full/extended version, complete with Japanese lyrics (thank you tanigutanigu!):

(You can find copy-and-pasteable lyrics for the whole song here.)

I know, I know, I was a bit shell-shocked when I heard that song for the first time, too.

If you want a closer look at what hit you back there, here are the opening lyrics in all their stupefying glory. For the (rough) translation, I relied on the extremely helpful line-by-line explanation provided by a knowledgeable fan here (助かりました、パトリシア＝マーティンさん！）, the English subtitles from the video clip we’ll get to in just a minute (thanks gleipnir2!), and Khatz’s suggestions (ありがとう、ダーリン！　(^з^)-☆):

It’s like peering into the jaws of madness, no?

Guess what? Most Japanese people feel completely lost, too. Here is just a sampling of the online comments I came across when I was sweating blood trying to understand and translate the lyrics:

深く（ふかく）考えちゃ（かんがえちゃ）いけない歌詞（かし）だ
These are lyrics you just can’t think too hard about.

深く考えないで　まいっか（＝まあいいか）
Don’t think too hard about it. F*** it.

ぅん!!考えちゃだめだこの歌（うた）は!!聞く（きく）に限る（かぎる）！！
Yeah!! You better not think about this song!! Just listen to it!!

And of course, the predictable

萌えーーーーー

from a smitten geek.

I even stumbled upon this hilarious mock-conspiracy-theory “exposé” that reveals how the mysterious lyrics encode information about the coming annihilation of humanity （人類滅亡／じん・るい・めつ・ぼう） in World War III （第三次世界大戦／だい・さん・じ・せ・かい・たい・せん）! (It’s even illustrated like a manga with awesome ASCII art. If you need one reason to learn Japanese, this is it…)

Why is it so hard for even Japanese people to understand the lyrics? Because under the breezy surface of this cute little song lies a Pandora’s box chock-full of school girl slang, clever word play and sexual innuendo. Linguistically speaking, this is some dope shi**.

So let us take the advice of our Japanese betters. Just roll with it. (Or invent your own conspiracy theory.) Do NOT try to make it make sense. Just listen. Sing along. To preserve your sanity.

Now let’s skip past that really fast part to the chorus…

Wow. It doesn’t get much more 可愛い than “キャ？　ワ！　イイv” (“v” = the “v”-shaped peace/victory sign you make with your fingers…I think).

And, finally, here for your viewing entertainment and CULTURAL EDIFICATION is the first episode. In the main scene (starting at about 2 minutes into the clip), three of the four main characters — こなた （「こなちゃん」, the tomboyish one with blue hair), つかさ (the purple-haired one with a bow in her hair; her twin sister, かがみ, has pig tails), and みゆき (the overly polite, pink-haired one with glasses) — fret over the best ways to eat various pastries: a chocolate-filled cornet （チョココロネ／チョココルネ）; a cream puff （シュークリーム）; a piece of strawberry shortcake （イチゴショート）; a popsicle （アイス）; and a (soft-serve) ice cream cone （ソフトクリーム）. Enjoy:

(Is it just me, or is there something…a bit “Freudian”…about this scene? But, hey, it could just be me… I mean, what IS the best way to suck out the creamy contents of various phallic-shaped desserts? These are important philosophical questions!!)

The central question here, as posed by こなた, is which side you should eat the chocolate cornet from:

こなた：　ね、つかさ、チョココロネってどこから食べる（たべる）？

つかさ postulates that you start from the “head”:

つかさ：　頭（あたま）からかな。

こなた：　そうっか。

Okay… So the next logical question would be, which end is the head: the fat one or the thin one?

こなた：　ところでさ、頭ってどっち、太い（ふとい）方（ほう）と細い（ほそい）方（ほう）？

つかさ opts for the thin end:

つかさ：　私（わたし）はこっちの細い方が頭だと思う（おもう）んだけど。

This suprises こなた, who has always thought the fat end was the “head”:

こなた：　あっそうか。あたしは太った（ふとった）方（ほう）が頭だと思った（おもった）よ。

When こなた asks つかさ why she takes the former position,

こなた： でも何（なん）で細い方が頭？

つかさ argues that the chocolate cornet looks like a seashell:

つかさ：　だって貝（かい）みたいじゃない？

And when つかさ turns the question back on こなた,

つかさ： こなちゃんは何で太った方？

こなた offers the counter-argument that the cornet looks like a caterpillar (literally, “potato bug”),

こなた：　だってさ、芋虫（いもむし）みたいじゃん。

grossing out つかさ:

つかさ：　えっ！芋虫！？

Upon which こなた agrees that the seashell model is much more appetizing:

こなた：　まあ、でもそう考える（かんがえる）と貝の方（ほう）がイメージいいね。

This model turns out to be more elegant in theory than in practice, however. When Konata bites the thin end, the chocolate filling squeezes out of the fat end, and she has to keep turning it around to lick the extra chocolate before it falls out.

At which point, the perfectionist Miyuki has to intervene…

みゆき：　あ、あの・・・
こなた：　ん？

She offers a third, compelling (if perhaps complicated) solution to the problem:

みゆき：　細い方が千切って（ちぎって）、余った（あまった）チョコを付けて(つけて）食べるという食べ方（たべかた）も・・・

You can also break off the thin end and dip it in the extra chocolate (from the fat end)…

つかさ：　なるほどね！

Eureka! Seems to make sense.

But after a detour into how to eat curry rice （カレーライス）, what condiments to use on what dishes, and different ways of eating egg and meat dishes, Konata realizes

こなた：　あっ。ところで、太い方と細い方、どっちがチョココロネの頭？

she still isn’t sure which end of the cornet is the “head”…

So, comrades, let me turn this dilemma over to you: what do YOU think the best way to eat a chocolate cornet is? And which end is the “head”?

Next up, the only thing more 可愛い than school girls is:

School Boys!

(to be continued next week…)

• Better something than nothing. Better more than less. Better fun than "good for you". Better now than later. #immersion #
• Playing is fundamental. Play is *the* fundamental. Only people with a solid foundation in play can actually do the serious stuff. #
• With persistence, almost any method will get you "there". Without it…nothing will. #
• Beginning to think that the single biggest obstacle preventing most people learning languages is fear of shame/uncoolness. #
• You don't even have to *remove* fear of shame (#FoS), if you just have/build a desire that supersedes FoS, you will win. #
• When you get over #FoS you become unstoppable. You're willing to anything — which is precisely what you need to do. #immersion #
• Pretending to be Japanese is just a tool for discarding #FoS since: how can a Japanese person be ashamed of acting Japanese? #
• @veritech Know exactly what you mean. It must be that many people have learned to enjoy *not* being seen as outcasts. in reply to veritech #
• Embarrassed about your language habit? Well, you're ugly and no one likes you anyway. Might as well do some #immersion #MajorPayneStyle #
• YouTube – NMA 2010.05.22 動新聞 4人肉毒桿菌中毒 又傳豆乾惹禍 http://bit.ly/d3dXWo #
• YouTube – HALCALI／芝生 feat.谷川俊太郎 http://bit.ly/bTVOFg #
• YouTube – リップスライムとくるり – ラヴぃ http://bit.ly/bYykkI | This song (whole album actually) blew me away… Rip Slyme FTW. #
• YouTube – リップスライムとくるり – ラヴぃ http://bit.ly/bYykkI –> ablum of the song: http://amzn.to/a727JY #
• You can get a lot more done in 1 minute than you may think. #timeboxing #birthline #justdone #justgetstarted #
• @ivanmeredith another SurusuEnhancements idea: enabling accesskeys on the "add card" page, just like on the Q/A pages? #
• 「脳は大きな目標を一度に達成するよりも、目標を細切れにして、段階を一段ずつ上がって行く事で成長して行きます」 http://amzn.to/aNxwzN #timeboxing #
• 守り人シリーズ – Wikipedia " 精霊の守り人" http://bit.ly/cEAL2K #
• YouTube – BlogTV #48 伊藤穰一 ゲイツ&ジョブズを語る Bill Gates Steve Jobs 2of2 http://bit.ly/cqzBIb #
• YouTube – Joey Yung (容祖兒) – 心花怒放(KTV) http://bit.ly/90fbSH #
• "Your newborn should be nursing 8~12x/day" | Interesting to think of this in terms of language contact frequency http://bit.ly/bl2eaJ #
• while ( breathing ) {
  anything = rand(1, INF);
  if ( possible(anything) )
  doJapanese(anything);
  } #
• while ( breathing ) { anything = getAnyThing(rand()); if ( possible(anything) ) doJapanese(anything); } #
• Never sit down to work with the intention of doing a lot of work. #timeboxing #SRS #
• Wikipedia "二・二六事件（ににろくじけん）" http://bit.ly/ceaZgC #
• 「大きな薬缶は沸くのに時間がかかるから」"Big kettles take a long time to boil" http://amzn.to/clXXFS #
• 「《結果を見ないと結果が見えて来る》
  頑張っていると、ついつい結果が気になるモノです。
  ところが、結果を気にすれば気にする程、結果ばかりに目が行って、
  そのプロセスを疎かにしガチなのもまた事実です。」
  http://amzn.to/9iWS3C #
• Native speech is so, you know…what have you… circuitous and, like, redundant and repetitive…and staccato and…and…vague #
• 「特に文章が得意な方や文筆を本表とされている方ほど、ブログを書くのに戸惑い、書くのに時間が掛かり、書けば長文になりガチなのは皮肉な事です。」昔の@mineralkを思い出させる言葉だな。今じゃ確りと良質なブログ＝コンテンツを量産してるけどね（＾＾）。 #
• 「特に文章が得意な方や文筆を本業とされている方ほど、ブログを書くのに戸惑い、書くのに時間が掛かり、書けば長文になりガチなのは皮肉な事です。」昔の@mineralkを思い出させる言葉だな。今じゃ確りとブログ書いてるけどね（＾＾）。http://amzn.to/c3BcPP #
• 会社での正しい言葉遣い・敬語 http://bit.ly/9jpckk | via @Tkyosam #
• 「まだ見えぬ成功に向け、目的意識を強く持ち、
  あきらめず努力し続けることが大事」
  http://amzn.to/9bKzjM #
• Anyone can give attention to a project after it's obviously succeeding. The trick is to be giving attention to projects before that stage. #
• Any fool can give attention to a project after it's obviously succeeding. The trick is to be giving attention to projects before that stage. #
• You want to be lovingly watering those seeds long before you ever see any shoots. #immersion #
• Just because your Japanese skills are invisible, that doesn't mean they don't exist. They'll surface in their own time. #immersion #
• Occasionally your belief in yourself needs to exceed the immediately available evidence. This is where people start to think you're crazy #
• Sometimes your level of action needs to exceed the immediately visible returns. This is where people start telling you to stop wasting time. #
• In a way, "AJATT" is basically this book — http://amzn.to/azkULc — repeated several times for broader/full fluency. #
• YouTube – 175R SAKURA http://bit.ly/bsezSV #Japanese #punk #ska F T W #
• 自然発生説 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/afGWQE #
• Generally, no reasonable person will ask you to believe beyond "the" facts, but you do often have to believe beyond *your* facts. #
• A language is software, and it runs on any human hardware as long as it gets installed all the way. #
• How to Turn Rikaichan into a J-J tool. http://bit.ly/cUCqwl | via #ajattplus #
• 人工多能性幹細胞 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/ax0DTO #
• 現代用語の基礎知識 " ｉＰＳ細胞" http://bit.ly/bJhZxy #
• ヒートアイランド – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/a5KBe6 #
• @bri_tyan 【「人間が人間のために作ったから、あなたは人間の脳を持ってるなら使えるはず。」】→実はうちの母ちゃんもお兄様と一字一句全く同じこと言ってますよ。二人とも本でも共著で書けばいいと思う（笑）。まさに金言です。 in reply to bri_tyan #
• Playground : 戰傷版未來戰士, 敢死隊錢箱, 大富翁提款機 – MSN 流行國度 http://bit.ly/b6ZpCm #
• You'll often find that it's more important to get things started than to get them right. #
• Where is your ownage? Still below the surface, where it's supposed to be. Now shut up get back to watching cartoons! #
• "don’t understand enough of the language yet[?] WELL YA! you haven’t done any reading[!]" http://bit.ly/dlvQz1 #
• マーガレット・チョー – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/bp6pMA #
• "京都大学教授　　カール・ベッカー氏" http://bit.ly/8ZwfEU #
• 京都大学こころの未来研究センター "教授 カール ベッカー (Carl Becker)" http://bit.ly/bJG2Pi #
• サイロン・レイダー – Wikipedia "宇宙空母ギャラクティカ" http://bit.ly/dlvXAy #
• "漢字復活とは、もともとは漢字文化圏にあったが漢字廃止論により漢字をいったん破棄した国の漢字を見直す機運を指す" http://bit.ly/cG9Rak #
• "西暦1491年―先コロンブス期アメリカ大陸をめぐる新発見" http://amzn.to/bZp2zx #
• 文匯網 – 文以載道，匯則興邦 http://bit.ly/bGlVcL #
• “It always seems impossible until it's done." | Nelson Mandela
  http://bit.ly/dd61iV #
• 陳慧琳/Kelly Chan — 知我莫問 #Cantonese cover of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" http://bit.ly/9t4Z3G #
• 梁家輝"黑金"精彩演出(上) Tony Leung Ka Fai in "Island of Greed" http://bit.ly/aVJ7Ft | My fave scene from this movie, starts at 2:11 #
• YouTube – 梁家輝-舊歡如夢 "梁家輝" http://bit.ly/aPLcG0 | More Leung Ka Fai hilarity starts at 1:27 #
• YouTube – Time Erases Everything　「Steady&Co. 」 http://bit.ly/d74XA7 #
• YouTube – Steady & Co – Stay Gold http://bit.ly/djrYk9 #
• YouTube – Steady & Co. — 春夏秋冬 http://bit.ly/byY7aY #
• One way to view your Japanese is as a series of short, domain-specific journeys, instead of one journey toward overall fluency. #
• YouTube – 椎名林檎 闇に降る雨 http://bit.ly/aoHyRi #
• チュクチ – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/bbwRid #
• トナカイ – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/aPTAdl #
• イヌぞり – Wikipedia "犬橇" http://bit.ly/aW6M50 #
• YouTube – 齊來支持2012政制方案 http://bit.ly/9oN1tS #
• (爆笑）RT @NEWS_0: 日本語が難しいんじゃなくて、お前がバカなだけ http://bit.ly/agQM1X #
• MangaHelpers
  http://bit.ly/9CcnXf | For those of you living outside Japan, beyond the reach of our pub/distribution networks? #
• MangaHelpers – Manga Scanlations, Translations, Downloads, Forums and Community Website http://bit.ly/9CcnXf #
• YouTube – m-flo 『Quantum Leap』 http://bit.ly/aFXXRB #
• YouTube – m-flo loves Crystal Kay / REEEWIND! http://bit.ly/boIs07 #
• YouTube – ORELSAN – Soirée Ratée – LE CLIP! http://bit.ly/aC1jaT #
• YouTube – [PV]マキシマムザホルモン-ぶっ生き返す!! http://bit.ly/9dtCbg #
• YouTube – [ＰＶ]マキシマムザホルモン-恋のメガラバ http://bit.ly/bzxRYS #
• 「量が質を連れて来る」｜野崎美夫｜ http://amzn.to/9Vlqn2 #
• 量をこなす、質を上げる(2)【サムスル 渡邉裕晃：社長ブログ 【時の運と人の縁を極める日々の記録】】 "「量をこなすことで質をあげることができる」" http://bit.ly/cyJTGy #
• 薄井伸一 – Wikipedia "『一番大切な人の怒らせ方』に架空の東京東海大学言語学教授・碑文谷潤（ひもんや じゅん）として出演" http://bit.ly/8Xy3uH #
• ジネディーヌ・ジダン
  http://bit.ly/9zxsQH #
• The only wrong way to learn Japanese is to give up. #
• Learning Japanese through pain and boredom is only "wrong" in that it makes you want to give up. If you like pain, go for it #
• WOWtv http://bit.ly/cKnlrR #
• I guess learning Japanese through pain and boredom is also "wrong" in that there'll be a lot of brain function impaired… #
• YouTube – NMA 2010.05.26 動新聞 蜜月運毒　7台客紐西蘭被捕 http://bit.ly/cXfY9P #
• YouTube – LAUGHING GOR之變節OFFICIAL TRAILER 預告片 (TVB CHANNEL) http://bit.ly/baJH6W #
• LAUGHING GOR 之變節 Part1 http://bit.ly/9rFDPP | This movie is actually really boss. Great job making triad/undercover fresh… #
• LAUGHING GOR 之變節 http://bit.ly/9rFDPP | This film really shows that it's not subject matter that counts; it's the storytelling… #
• LAUGHING GOR 之變節 http://bit.ly/9rFDPP | Before seeing this, I was really getting on HK movies' case, like: "ENOUGH COP MOVIES ALREADY!" #
• 知我莫問——陳慧琳_在線視頻觀看_土豆網視頻 影視 http://bit.ly/aQLZ9e Yay! The music video! #
• I thought that "無間道" would remain the unequaled, unthreatened peak of undercover cop movies. 「Laughing Gor之變節」and 「門徒」proved me wrong … #
• Take the highway, the bus, backroads, the train, whatever. In the end, it doesn't matter what methods you use to learn Japanese. #
• 『「何かいい方法を知っても、なぜ実行できないのか?」
  「仮に実行しても、なぜ継続できないのか?」』
  http://amzn.to/dbPCc4 #
• @e_dub_kendo Hehehe. Definitely. Speaking of which, you should blog about the kendo mod so I can link to it! in reply to e_dub_kendo #
• "Perfectionism doesn't make anything perfect. " http://bit.ly/dvORO9 #
• "Perfectionism doesn't make anything perfect". Very true. In fact, perfectionism doesn't make anything…period. Except stress #
• "Embrace what is less than perfect, and make it work for you by having fun." http://bit.ly/dvORO9 #
• "Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute." #timeboxing http://bit.ly/aGRMQm #
• "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." http://bit.ly/cy4MM8 #
• 実証主義 – Wikipedia
  http://bit.ly/c6Uytw #
• フランシス・フクヤマ – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/bcMBpR #
• 法蘭西斯·福山 – 維基百科，自由的百科全書 http://bit.ly/d0asFc #
• YouTube – 宮崎哲弥「読めない名前、社会的に不便な名前には改名権を」 http://bit.ly/cx9vAM | だから～、こういった「読みの多様性」こそ、日本語の醍醐味であり、日本語ならではのチャームポイントだっつーの！（＾＾）。 #
• "Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
  #timeboxing #JustDoOne
  http://bit.ly/aIt0Nf #
• あいぱっど : モニ太のデジタル辞典 : コラム : ネット＆デジタル : YOMIURI ONLINE（読売新聞） http://bit.ly/c6MyQR #
• The only wrong way to learn Japanese is to give up. The only way to give up is to not start or re-start. #
• Lazy Kanji + Mod (or what I’ve been up to) – Three Pounds Flax http://bit.ly/bkO5zb #
• 比例代表制 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/cx4L7d #
• The only way to give up is to not start or re-start. So every start is a victory. #
• "Just remember that the SRS is a tool for growth, not a means of proving how good you are." | Darmawan of #ajattplus #
• 福娘童話集 -世界と日本の童話・昔話集- http://bit.ly/agBz0D | Japanese children's stories (with audio) | Thx J-star! #
• 三匹の子ブタ　イギリスの昔話　＜福娘童話集　きょうの世界昔話＞ http://bit.ly/aCjmIa | "Three Little Pigs" in #Japanese with audio #
• "getting stuff wrong is a good thing: it means that you've identified a gap in your knowledge" | Darmawan on #SRS (via #ajattplus #
• Yahoo!辞書 – 国語・類語・英和・和英の無料辞書サービス http://bit.ly/c9cfOD #
• 三省堂 Web Dictionary  辞書検索 http://bit.ly/cEDD7A #
• 漢字文化圏 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/aNhoyv #
• YouTube – 酒井法子 唱 玫瑰玫瑰我愛你 http://bit.ly/cJPcjk #
• 酒井法子 – Wikipedia "東アジア（台湾、香港、中華人民共和国など）では日本での活躍以上の絶大な人気を誇り、中国語歌唱による楽曲も発表している。" http://bit.ly/beVbZk #
• Ｎｅｍｏは行くよ！ "日本語学習者に学ぶ外国語を学ぶ楽しさ" http://bit.ly/dtMRxI #
• "Nothing human is foreign to us." | Edward G. Robinson
  http://bit.ly/byHhVl #
• "“Word Ownage” meter."
  http://bit.ly/7SYE7q #
• "the brain requires far more exposure to a word to recall than it does to recognize." | Peeled Cucumber http://bit.ly/7SYE7q #
• No one in all of human history has been born comprehending the text of any language. Why were you supposed to be the first? #
• 「プライマー」 http://amzn.to/aU6j7B #

Almost exactly 4 years ago, I came to Japan. Since I didn’t physically grow up here, I simulated a childhood before coming, using electronic media tools. I continue that simulation even now.

No matter where you live, it’s fun and useful to make friends fast, and one thing that helps friendships form is accurately remembering people’s names (and then saying them a lot).

Here in Japan, because I stand out so much and look so radically different from everyone else, it’s usually quite easy for other people to remember my name…but I don’t frequently get the same benefit of a “lone statistical outlier” in physical appearance to help names stick in memory. Until recently, I often found myself in situations where everyone knew my name, but I was drawing blanks. And I felt bad about that; it just made things unnecessarily awkward.

Whenever I meet people from the kanjisphere, all I ever do is talk about kanji, starting with their names. I’ll get them to write down all the kanji; we’ll talk about variant characters and name distributions — South China has lots of 呉s and Kansai has lots of this and Okinawan names have lots of syllables and all that good stuff. But for all that talk and writing, I was having a really hard time actually remembering those names…

At times, the happier the encounter, the worse it seemed . You know how it is. You’ll meet someone really cool and you’ll have this great conversation, and then you’re like “I’m sorry, what was your name again?” Or, the conversation went so well and you had so much fun, that you actually feel bad about asking their name, so you tell yourself you’ll get their name through the person who introduced you in the first place (so you don’t look bad), and then you and the cool person part ways, but then you meet this cool person again another day and they’re all excited to see you, but you didn’t get around to asking their name and to ask now might imply that they were forgettable and you don’t want to hurt their feelings and…

…yeah, awkwardness…

For a while I thought I must just be a cold person. Indeed, Kenyan women often describe Kenyan men as cold, arrogant, boring and poorly dressed [particularly in comparison to Zairean men, the lords of the earth. And by “Zairean men”, I mean Kanda Bongo Man ], So…I figured I must just be fulfilling the national dream. Maybe I was just a cold man who only loved kanji. And toys. And tall women.

And Ann Coulter. Ann. It’s like…there’s so much hate, the only response left is love. Kind of like when you’re so happy that you go over the edge and wrap right back around to crying. It’s integer overflow, but with emotions. Incidentally, being a real man, I never cry…except when I’m in your mother’s arms….

Where was I? Oh yeah. But the thing is, Kenyan or not, I do like people and hanging out with them and playing ultimate frisbee with them, so…I knew that wasn’t the problem. I realized that all I had to do was turn learning people’s names into a fun game, just like learning kanji. So I came up with an SRS card format to remember people’s names. Here’s the basic structure:

Front

Any relevant details about the person that I feel like adding. Even pictures (if convenient) are OK. Usually I fill in the more salient features of their body/gestures/persona (e.g. “buck teeth”, “hoarse voice”). It can be quite blunt, but no offence is intended. Having said that, given the lack of tact in these descriptions, offence would be taken, so…I don’t exactly go around showing these decks to the people in question. Besides, they’re probably happier that way: they get to think that their names were remembered only because of their good looks and charm and not because of clever memory games.

Back

Full Name [and nicknames for reference]

Objective and Structure Details

Pretty much anything goes on the front, but the name (and any nicknames that are too much of a giveaway, which is most nicknames) is only allowed on the back. The object of the game is to say the person’s full name, given all the details on the front. Nicknames are for reference only. IMHO, one principle of good SRS cards is that there be one and only one correct answer, and that this answer be short, clear and concise (BTW lazy kanji cards kind of violate this principle to some extent, which bugs the side of me that wants a simple, straightforward game with a clear, unambiguous objective…but we’ll leave that for another post).

Actual Sample Cards

Here are a few actual sample cards. Observe that while these cards are in English, most of my actual cards are in Japanese.

FRONT

Big nose. Incredibly loud laugh.
Dad looks like Don Knotts.

BACK

TANAKA Taro

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

FRONT

TANAKA Taro’s girlfriend.
Looks like Jane Doe from OmniCorp, but somewhat taller and with less chest (hey — I’m trying to remember names here…anything goes)

BACK

SUZUKI Sadako

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

FRONT

Spikey hair.
Likes to tell jokes.
Looks just like the kid from Battle Royale/Death Note

BACK

SATOU Saburou

Grouping

I arrange these cards into decks grouped by location/situation. So for example, my frisbee buddies are in one deck, my bookstore buddies are in another, people I met at a certain wedding are in yet a third. The decks have names like “rolodex-frisbee”, “rolodex-taroswedding”, “rolodex-hokkaidolads” and so on…

More Amateur Sociology

I find that people don’t mind details about their lives being forgotten, but they do mind their names being forgotten. Put another way, if you can only remember one thing about a person, remember their name, because this will make them really happy. If you have their name, you have the key to their…whatever…heart…or…chastity belt…I dunno. As Dale Carnegie famously discussed in How To Win Friends and Influence People, everyone loves their name: it’s their favorite word.

In RL, people walk around with their faces, voices and personalities in full view, but very few walk around wearing nametags. At the same time, we can only really call people by their names, at least if we want to be even moderately polite. “Hey, you, whatsyourface-that-looks-like-the-kid-from-Battle-Royale!” can be pretty hit-and-miss in terms of “winning the hearts and minds”, to put it mildly. So memorizing names is important. And thanks to SRS, it’s now easy as well. So even if you’re a cold, distant, arrogant, poorly-dressed, self-absorbed geek, you don’t have to “get social skills” in order to work well with people…you can just geekify the process itself.

When you’re living in a new country, like I am, remembering names can speed up and smooth out the process of making new friends. And as we all know, good friends can really make any place amazing.

If you were hungry, would you deny yourself food because you were hungry?

If you were thirsty, would you deny yourself drink because you were thirsty?

If you needed a blood transfusion, would you deny yourself blood because you needed it?

Rhetorical questions.
You wouldn’t starve yourself to death to punish yourself for being an “innately hungry person”.
You wouldn’t dehydrate yourself to punish yourself for being “born with thirsty genes”.
You wouldn’t deny blood to someone because he showed “no signs of a talent for not needing blood transfusions”.

So why do we do this with languages and other large-scale habits and skills — indeed with long-term projects in general?
Why do we practice this mindless, illogical “mob triage” on ourselves ?

Surely the thirstiest man should get a drink?
Surely the hungriest child should get a bite to eat?
Surely the hot chick who’s bleeding to death should get the blood she needs because she will bleed to death otherwise?
Surely the thing that’s going to take the longest to do should enjoy as early a start and as many starts as possible? — kind of like how we stick the biggest suitcase into the trunk first, and then fit the small stuff around it…kind of like how we stick the rock into the jar first, and then fit the pebbles around it.

Sucking at something is a natural — but temporary — state. It can only become permanent if we choose to make it so. Once we starve the child to death, whatever food we throw at her thereafter shall be of no use.

If you still, relatively speaking, suck at a language, then feed yourself the language in a biologically appropriate (i.e. tasty i.e. fun) form until you are no longer hungry…until you no longer suck.

We often run away when we suck. But maybe that’s exactly when we should be staying. Just as no animal needs its parents’ attention more than when it’s a baby, you, a virtual (but very real) Japanese baby, need all the Japanese you can get right here, right now, right when you suck, precisely because you suck, because you are hungry, because you are weak, because you are vulnerable, because you were not born in Japan, because you were not raised in Japan, because your Japanese baby will die if you don’t feed her — regularly. Multiple times per day. You need Japanese and you need it badly. In fact, you need it more than a “real” Japanese person does: they’ve had their fill; they can wait. Many of you have gone the entire first 10, 20, 30, 40 or more years of your life, without Japanese. Enough is enough. Eat.

It’s one thing for a fully grown, healthy, strong, “well-fed” Japanese person, born and raised in Japan, to go hours and days and weeks and even months without Japanese. But that kind of neglect would kill a baby.

No group in society contributes less and takes more than babies[*]. Yet they get all that food, love and attention. Your Japanese — the Japanese baby inside of you — won’t give back to you for a long time yet; it’ll take and take and take…and all you’ll have to show for it is the enjoyment you get out of it. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore her until she’s “big enough”. If you wait until she’s big to start taking care of her, she’ll never get to be big. She’ll just die. She needs you now.

Feed the baby. Water the baby. Feed yourself Japanese.

Infanticide = very uncool. Stop killing babies.

• OL2L: YouTube – NMA 2010.05.22 動新聞 4人肉毒桿菌中毒 又傳豆乾惹禍
• YouTube – ファミ通TV　2010年5月14日配信

• Listen to real Japanese conversations and read transcriptions thereof [VoiceBlog.JP] http://bit.ly/burP8L #
• Transcripts of real, natural Japanese conversations at actual speed [VoiceBlog/JapaneseListening]
  http://bit.ly/dmrqEc #
• "志村 五郎（しむら ごろう、1930年2月23日 – ）は日本の数学者。プリンストン大学名誉教授。静岡県浜松市生まれ。
  盟友であった谷山豊と取り組んだ谷山・志村予想によってフェルマー予想の解決に貢献" http://bit.ly/9BDldD #
• "谷山 豊／数学者。
  もともと名前は「とよ」と読むのが正しいものの、「ゆたか」と読み間違える人が多かったので、いつからか自ら「ゆたか」と名乗るようになった" http://bit.ly/92obEr #
• Be a failure. Fail at doing unproductive things and fail at giving up. #
• "If you don’t know to read it, you don’t know the language." http://bit.ly/ab7nRH #
• Accepting permanent suckage is not humility. That's resignation. Sucking is a temporary condition. Contact is the cure. #immersion #
• Oh, so it's ok to watch Tony Soprano kill people but if we read a personal development book suddenly something is wrong? **** you. #
• What do you read when you're supposed to be "working"? Read that, in Japanese. #
• YouTube – 箸の持ち方　箸匠せいわ http://bit.ly/9wTwRW #
• YouTube – はしの正しい使いかた http://bit.ly/cfw5oV #
• YouTube – お箸の持ち方 http://bit.ly/cwENNN #
• YouTube – お箸の持ち方 http://bit.ly/bigw9w #
• YouTube – MVI 4415 " 瑀嵐最近開始學大人用筷子" http://bit.ly/aOS5rQ #
• YouTube – 竹筷子做的十字弓 http://bit.ly/9RWO03 #
• YouTube – 竹筷子做的十字弓 http://bit.ly/9RWO03 | crossbow made of chopsticks…you know you like it #
• Japanese is NOT the place to begin reading stuff you don't actually like reading. #
• 「iPad VS. キンドル 日本を巻き込む電子書籍戦争の舞台裏 」#ipad #kindle http://bit.ly/cquuCh #
• 「'究極の鍛錬」The #janslation (Japanese translation) of Geoff Colvin's "Talent is Overrated" is finally here!
  http://bit.ly/d6LvOx #
• It's very simple. Whenever hear a Japanese person, steal from them. Plagiarize every word they say. #immersion #
• You will suck in the beginning. And the only thing you can do is keep sucking until you run out of suck. #
• All Japanese All The Time | NIHONGO eな – Portal for Learning Japanese – http://bit.ly/dvTbbS #
• Without brushing, dental plaque builds up. Without practice, suck (the state of sucking at something) builds up. Brush often. #
• "persistence and tenacity are the primary ingredients to success" http://bit.ly/dDlCR4 #
• "パンが無ければケーキを食べればいいじゃない" （＾＾）
  http://bit.ly/clxgNw #
• @j_rubis you are seriously cool. >> I *know*! It's rough, rubis, having all this cool to myself in reply to j_rubis #
• You don't have to get it right; you don't have to get it done: you just have to get it started. #birthline #
• "[practice] plays the major role in allowing us to reach our full potential" http://bit.ly/9twFRN #
• iPad VS. キンドル – 池田信夫blog – BLOGOS（ブロゴス） – livedoor ニュース http://bit.ly/blb7O6 #
• YouTube – 無所謂-衛蘭(Janice) http://bit.ly/bbourq #
• [KTV Tube] 周杰倫-本草綱目 http://bit.ly/909ZXX #
• @e_dub_kendo Glad you like it. Sorry if the writing's a bit too energetic…but then…it is a chat transcript. in reply to e_dub_kendo #
• Success at acquiring a language requires more persistence than competence. Edison was right #
• 立ち机って何処に売ってますか？ – 教えて！goo
  http://bit.ly/cCPYA5 #
• Housecleaning and language knowledge are alike in that both are simple, learnable skills that are erroneously attributed to talent #
• Tidyness and language-learning are lot alike. Both are simple, learnable skills that get erroneously attributed to innate talent #
• Sucking (being bad at something) is hunger. When someone sucks, we often deny them practice (i.e. food). We should be feeding them #
• One irony of our society is that it's cool to know a language, but it's not cool to be doing the things necessary to acquire that knowledge. #
• You have to decide whether the destination/language is cool enough to accept the temporary uncoolness of being "on the path". #
• Why you should Focus on Listening to Korean « Korean {as it is} http://bit.ly/brsV2N #
• 「人は絶望感に苛まれると思考力は低下する」 http://amzn.to/bFi8Fd #
• 「細切れ時間こそ本(書籍）が栄養に成る時間」http://amzn.to/bFi8Fd #
• YouTube – m-flo [Astrosexy x Now or Never] http://bit.ly/awWyEp (Astro Boy PV! Yee-ah!) #
• YouTube – Rag Fair- ハレルヤ http://bit.ly/ctuY6A #acapella #
• 「自分で負荷を掛ける事で却って負荷が軽くなる。
  「締め切り効果」で脳の働きを促す」http://amzn.to/bFi8Fd #timeboxing #
• Language = air. It's always there, we're always using it (even when asleep), and we process it with our respiratory organs #
• YouTube – 東京事変 – Osca http://bit.ly/cHzvjq #
• YouTube – 【椎名林檎】三文八卦X流行pv http://bit.ly/dtDBmN | Crossing more genre borders — Shiina Ringo collabo with Mummy D of Rhymester #
• YouTube – 美空ひばり－車屋さん http://bit.ly/90IV0I | ジャズ演歌？ #
• YouTube – 美空 ひばり お祭りマンボ http://bit.ly/9DMTDG | ワッショイ！ワッショイ！ワッショイ！ #
• When is your next #birthline #
• 「漢字が無かったら日本語の表現は、今より随分単調なものとなるのではと思います。」 http://amzn.to/ag820L #
• UVERworld/endscape http://bit.ly/9prNda | it's like this band was created for the specific purpose of singing anime themes…fits so well #
• 「日本語の表記にとって漢字は不可欠の文字である」
  http://amzn.to/aChD8K #
• 「ラダイス鎖国 忘れられた大国・日本」
  http://amzn.to/dxUYll #
• Tech Mom from Silicon Valley http://bit.ly/atILJ3 #Japanese #blog #
• "「わが中国は地大物博、求めるものはすべて自給できる。広州を開いているのは貧しいお前たちに天朝の産物を恵んでやるためだ」" | カッコいい～ｗ！中華、カッコ良過ぎる！！（＾＾）http://bit.ly/aaWkhC #
• Better something than nothing. Better more than less. Better fun than "good for you". Better TV than SRS. #immersion #
• YouTube – パニパニパーティー　お父さんの趣味はコスプレ　結婚式編 http://bit.ly/bXedlk #
• YouTube – パニパニパーティー　お父さんの趣味はコスプレ　結婚式編 http://bit.ly/bXedlk | crossdressing cosplay dad skit … all comedy elements present #
• YouTube – [HQ] 平井堅 – POP STAR [PV] "本人曰く生粋の日本人だそうです。" http://bit.ly/cXJkDb #
• YouTube – パニパニパーティー　お父さんの趣味はコスプレ　裁判編 http://bit.ly/9VOE1W | Crossdressing cosplay dad in court… #
• YouTube – パニパニパーティー　お父さんの趣味はコスプレ　裁判編 http://bit.ly/9VOE1W | I love how the "wife" is trying not to laugh… #
• YouTube – パニパニパーティー　お父さんの趣味はコスプレ　自宅編 http://bit.ly/9ykhbE #
• YouTube – 「大人かわいい」女たち1/2 http://bit.ly/bqvTrW #
• @tferriss Cheers for the link! I've been giving all my Japanese friends copies of 4HWW日本語版 . Will ping you when everything's back up :] in reply to tferriss #
• Woke up this mornin' / Got myself a mouse / @tferriss said I was the Chosen One / He said: "here's some traffic for your nice website" #
• So ajatt.com is temporarily down, but…we'll have it back up soon. I'll let you know when it is #
• "父王殺しの罪を着せられた、ペルシャの王子ダスタン。汚名をそそぐため、そして陰謀の真相を暴くため、未知なる旅が始まった・・・" | anemo『 プリンス・オブ・ペルシャ／時間の砂』　特集 http://bit.ly/d6lycq #
• "父王殺しの罪を着せられた、王子ダスタン。真実を暴くため、彼の未知なる旅が始まる。
  全ての謎を解く鍵は、伝説の<時間の砂>―。
  それを手にする者は、時間を巻き戻し、過去を自由に変える禁断の力を持つ…。" http://bit.ly/dhy3Ac #
• Pretty much if you can watch TV, you can learn a language. #
• They tried, but they couldn't keep it down! The blog they didn't want you to read, http://www.ajatt.com is now officially back online! #
• Overcoming Awkwardness – Part 1 « Korean {as it is} http://bit.ly/bCgwpm | I love what he says here about rhythm and gestures #
• @tferriss It's back up. Supercaching (*bicep flex*) is enabled now, so I can take the pain . It'll be interesting to see how it handles it in reply to tferriss #
• YouTube – S.H.E-女孩當自強MV http://bit.ly/cF7Obv #
• YouTube – T.F.P. – AF1 (Chinese, Cantonese, Rap, Hip Hop, Hong Kong, 852) http://bit.ly/bsTmaH #
• YouTube – 玩玩具 http://bit.ly/93lavF #Cantonese #RnB #
• YouTube – 大支 Dog G – 台灣Song http://bit.ly/bLGvtK #Taiwanese #rap #
• It doesn't actually matter how you're going to learn Japanese. The point is…you're going to do it. Done deal. Case closed. #
• There is no "hard", and you don't actually "suck" at Japanese. You just haven't seen and heard enough of it enough times (yet) #
• If you think about it 神戸 (こうべ) is "hard". It "should" be シンコ or かみど. But it's Kobe, and we're fine with that because we see it so often. #
• Let no language (nor part thereof) scare you. Just increase the frequency of your exposure: everything will take care of itself. #
• If you're having trouble understanding or saying something, all that means is that you haven't seen/heard it often enough yet. #
• 「何でもそうだけど、模写から入る事って多いんですね・・・文章だって模写から入る人が居る」 夏目房之介｜岡田斗司夫のプチクリ学園 #10 #
• 夏目房之介 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/csDt8H #
• Have fun…or else… #
• @don_rivers I worked like a child. I mostly hung out my "family" and listened. Said/read out the occasional cute thing; said more as I grew in reply to don_rivers #
• @don_rivers So…I didn't go "today is the day I start hanging out". I always tried to hang out as much as I could…just silently at first. in reply to don_rivers #
• @don_rivers Children start doing things at different ages. Give yourself the same credit; you are the schedule. Just do what you want in reply to don_rivers #
• @don_rivers In this field, "correctness of method" is horribly overrated. The method can & should be whatever we want as long as results=OK in reply to don_rivers #
• 香港製造（電影） – 维基百科，自由的百科全书 http://bit.ly/aLVtnu #
• You don't have to get anything ready for the #birthline it can be right here and now, this instant. #
• YouTube – Yuki Kimura – 木村由姫 – Summer Rain – Live http://bit.ly/d6pSug #
• YouTube – Yuki Kimura Love and Joy Live http://bit.ly/bzxGhu #
• 脾臓 – Wikipedia http://bit.ly/bG3biC | SPLEEN! #
• Anything is better than nothing. Anything. #immersion No, really…anything. #

Maddie and Khatz go way back to university days when they studied together in the computer science department. Now, as a video game programmer in a major company, it would seem Maddie has it all. There’s one dream, however, that has remained elusively beyond the reach of this avid anime fan, gamer, and cosplay seamstress — the dream of learning Japanese.

In Part 1, Maddie explained how she keeps getting distracted (especially by English TV shows), discouraged, and giving up. Dr. Khatz challenged her assumptions and proposed that learning Japanese just might be a whole lot easier and simpler than she had been led to believe. Their conversation, edited from an IM chat, continues below.

(continued from Part 1)

Khatz: Okay…next order of business. So you want results, but when you can’t get them quickly (in the past, with Japanese, at least) you decided to…throw Japanese out altogether? i.e. to do nothing whatsoever that might bring you closer to the result?

Worded like that…does that make any sense to you? Is it fast or nothing?

Maddie: No, but sometimes, I feel like it’s this giant endeavor.

K: Ok… Is going at 0 speed better than going at 1~3 speed even though you wish you were going at 10 speed? Is 0 better than 1~3?

Cutting people off is underrated

M: I’ve also been struggling a lot these days with what I should be spending my time on. I spend hundreds of hours on my cosplay and similar projects, and most people think it’s retarded.

K: Do you like these people? Are they the ones paying for your cosplay? Are they going to pay you money to do things they DO think are worthwhile? Do they live with you?

M: No, they don’t. But I’ve felt very misunderstood recently…

K: I know exactly what you mean

M: One of the things I get super-frustrated about is that no one would tell me I was “wasting my time” if I was making costumes for the local theater troupe, or if I was making quilts, or any number of things like that… What makes my interests any less valuable than yours?

K: Exactly. Those people are full of crap and unless they pay you money or are VERY good kissers, you don’t have to listen to them.

If they don’t like it, they’d better get used it. I’ve had some of those acquaintances… deleted them faster than spam. “Stop cosplay. Be BIG FOR HER”…ok…bye.

It is not ac-freaking-cceptable Mads. You’re, what, 25? 26 now?

M: 27.

K: 27, ok. (Me too!) You’re 27 years old and people are pulling that high school crap on you?

Personally, I find it inspiring… You’re living the dream in so many ways…you get paid money to make VIDEO GAMES.

Dude, Maddie, I won’t lie. I would hate you for NOT doing those things. Your anime passion infected me…

M: Hehe.

K: So…what it comes down to is your casual acquaintances…suck…and you need better ones who understand what you’re about.

There comes a point where they either shut up and accept you, or they have to go. I don’t know if you’ve reached that point with those peepz, but just know…that is an option maybe, you know, waiting in the wings…

Dude, cutting people off…it helps THEM, too. Now they don’t have to be annoyed by you. You’re doing them a favor…

M: lolz

K: Cutting people off…very underrated.

Don’t intellectualize language-learning

K: Third thing… You’re intellectualizing language-learning. You’ve learned it as a “school subject”… You’ve taken “classes”…

So…most or all of the English you know now, you know from English class, right? And before you went to English class you knew no English, right?

M: Yeah… I see your point.

K: And you keep your English up with textbooks and English class… You review the material, right? So you don’t forget.

Because, how are you going to know English otherwise, Maddie? And you need it for work and stuff…need that English…

A language is not something we compartmentalize. It is practically life itself. It’s like the air, literally like the air. I venture, Maddie, that you have spent as much time away from English as you have away from air.

M: Well, I have traveled, but I never stopped thinking in English.

K: Even when you’ve watched Japanese, there’s been English text down there. And when you came to Japan, you were, yeah, thinking in English…talking in English to Chad and the crew. Your guidebooks were in English. The hotel people spoke English.

I mean THINKING in English, Mads, were you born that way?

M: Probably not.

K: You have made this English thing such a habit, it literally stays in your head even when you get in a plane, go up into the stratosphere, cross an ocean, get away from America…and still…in your head…there can be English.

But that’s besides the point… A language is more like a sport, Mads. One of my neighbors here, Eisuke, he says it’s like a conditioned reflex. When you really know a language, you don’t intellectualize it. You intellectualize THROUGH it, but when you speak, you speak that way because that is the way.

When you turn on Hulu, you’re not like “it’s time for me English practice”. You’re just watching TV with so-called “first” and “native” languages. You don’t even TALK about the language. It’s like it’s not there because it’s everywhere.

Yet every phone call you make, every TV show you watch, thought you think, every person who makes fun of your cosplay, every person who is nice about your cosplay,every  sign you see, every song you listen to — all these things are language/English practice: every single one of them.

Everything is in context

K: Now, you said you could read polyester “but only in context” — oh, so you’re supposed to know it OUT OF CONTEXT? When the heck are you going to read about polyester out of context? I’ll tell you when — on a school test.

Quick, Madison, tell me every English word you know. List them right now, every last one.

M: lolz

K: Tell me every single English word you understand…and if you can’t tell me, you must not know/understand them. In real life, EVERYTHING is in context. Everything is in a sub-menu. And that’s how the heck it should be.

Context-flattening is not real. It’s easy to make/grade, but it’s not real.

M: So true.

K: So you’re good at Japanese. You know some Japanese, but you won’t even give yourself the credit because it was IN CONTEXT? Is that fair?

M: Ok, I guess not.

K: Would you tell your (hypothetical) miraculous virgin baby that she was a loser because “you only know how to say that word because you saw it context”? Would you say this to a child? a small child? your child? a lot? And if you did, do you think they would grow up happy and wanting to learn?

So why is it okay to be abusive to you? Because it’s you? Is it okay to slit your wrists and do drugs then? I mean, it’s YOU…it’s your body… And let’s say you made the drugs by yourself at home using legal stuff from Wal-mart. You’re not financing the drug trade so it’s okay, right? I mean, it’s paint thinner…and alcohol…alcohol is legal…so it’s okay, right?

But literally every time you don’t let yourself feel good for small successes like that, you create drugs in your brain and give them to yourself. You might as well slap the baby each time she makes a mistake: “STOP BABBLING!!!” “That was in context, you prissy little know-it-all!”

It’s just mean. And we get away with this because most of it happens in our head and nobody else is watching the little child inside suffering.

I learned Japanese by accident

K: You’re a lot like me, I think, Mads. You are so driven. You want this Japanese so badly that everything smells like failure — too slow… “in context”… (*eye roll* ) I know because this is how I have often felt about Chinese. You beat and beat and beat yourself, and we pretend it’s “discipline”… But it creates so much pain that you just go watch Hulu (i.e. practice English) instead.

I learnt Japanese by accident, Maddie, while trying (i.e. being mean to myself and creating a struggle) to learn Chinese. I was just fooling around with Japanese. It was just a game. There was no point — it was just an experiment. As the hippies like to say, the journey was the point.

M: I thought you wanted to so you could work for Large Japanese Corporation?

K: No… I wanted to work at Large Japanese Corporation so I could get paid to keep playing with Japanese. I knew if I went to, say, an American company, I’d have to do English all the time. (I also loved Large Japanese Corporation products, having grown up with them.) But Large Japanese Corporation was literally a ploy to get paid to keep messing around with/in Japanese.

And it worked. They did all my paperwork. Flew me over, twice. Paid to ship my stuff from the US — boxes and boxes and boxes. Did my insurance paperwork. Helped secure my Japanese name. Let me talk, read, write and listen to Japanese ALL DAY LONG.

M: Hehe.

K: And then put money in my bank account every month for my troubles. So yeah, it was the other way around…

A language is NOT a skill, Madz. It is not. You don’t “know” it. You don’t “know” English. You LIVE English. A language is a habit.

So you don’t get good at it. Don’t ask yourself if you’re getting “good” at it. You get USED to it, and you get so used to it that you could literally…fly to the moon, Maddie. You could leave the planet Earth to-day — TO DAY — and there would STILL be English rolling around in your head, you’re so used it.

You don’t speak it right because of those stupid exercises you can’t even remember any more you did in some English class at some high school. You speak it right because you don’t freaking know any other way to speak it. You actually have to THINK about how to suck at English. You would actually have to TRY to suck at English. You would have to make an intellectual effort and heat up your processor…

You dream in English. I mean, can’t you even be unconscious and be rid of this thing? What the heck? (Funny thing is, though, if you were to truly stop all English for long enough, you would forget it, but it would take decades… | Mr Uwano comes back from the dead to say ‘Good Day’ – Times Online)

You are already a success story

K: So you are still practicing. And you have one marvelously successful language experience: English, the language everyone and their dog wants to learn. You speak perfect General American English. You are a success story — you have a success history — and you are repeating this success even now. Look at us practicing English right here.

M: Ok, so at the end of the day, I do want to do this, but I still live in America. I still have to go to work and do my bills and talk to my family, and this all has to be done in English, so it’s not like I can go and live in an all-Japanese place. I still want to learn more about code and read stuff and actually understand it, etc. etc., but I would like to learn Japanese.

I can easily, or at least relatively easily, switch my background “I live alone, and I don’t like a quiet apartment” stuff to Japanese, and I can even dedicate half an hour or so to learning to read everyday. But is this enough? I know that I won’t learn as fast as some, but I want to learn. I can’t sacrifice my life to this, but it is important to me.

K: Good question. Obviously, the more you give it, the more and faster you get. As you recall, Maddie, yes, I gave everything to Japanese, but I was still a functioning college student. I mean, we talked, we hung out.

Here is what I did… Here is “the secret”, if you will…

(to be continued…)

What is “the secret” (the secret, the secret…) of which Dr. Khatz speaks? Find out next week in the third and final installment!