テメエら！というよりは、愛する読者の皆様。勝元で御座います。本人（＝俺）は、病名不明な病気の為、現在休養中なので暫くは新しい記事をアップしますん（どっちだよ？！）。

兎に角じっと待っててね、そのうち直ぐ復帰するから^^。やっぱ膵臓ってイイね。もう絶対に馬鹿にしない（笑）。

Hey everyone. Young Khatzumoto (= me) is sick — too sick to even work at a computer long enough to get some proper writing done — with an as-yet-undiagnosed minor illness. Let’s just say he appreciates his pancreas more now than when it was second on his list of “organs I like to ridicule”, right after the spleen. Apparently this condition also precipitates writing in the third person. Anyway, please patiently await his return.

About a month ago, I got an email from a very handsome man that went a little something like this. Very handsome man:

Hi Khatz, just wondering what you think of the JLPT. Is it worth taking to measure your Japanese fluency, even if by some chance it’s not required when applying for a job in Japan? If so, how do you know when you’re ready?

Let me answer that very handsome man’s question with a rhetorical question. Would you, native user of English reading this, take the TOEFL/TOEIC, to put on your resume in order to prove your English proficiency?

Think about it.

• You have a resume in Japanese.
• Your name is kanjified.
• Your cover letter is in Japanese.
• You talk to HR on the phone in Japanese, and they have to ask your nationality to make sure, because they thought a gaijin was supposed to be calling.
• You also write HR emails in Japanese.
• Your interview is in Japanese. Interview: a one hour Q/A session on academic/technical subjects.
• Not to mention the essay you submitted days before the interview, which you discuss and liberally quote from.

If this doesn’t prove Japanese proficiency, then what the billclinton does?

I hate the freaking JLPT. It’s nothing but a way for the test-givers to make money [nothing wrong with that] asking stupid 4-choice questions in which 50% of the time [fake statistic] 2 of the answers are correct Japanese in some reasonable context, but of course only one answer is “JLPT correct”. I know I’m being harsh; I understand and even share the desire for unbiased third-party evaluation of language skill. But this is not it, folks; it just friggin isn’t. This beast is a failure. The never-ending human desire to reduce everything to a number and a certificate falls flat again. And I like numbers. Dude, I love money, numbers and machines, and Progress and all that good stuff. Last week, I was wearing my sweatshop-made Nikes and washing down my McDonald’s burger with a Coca-Cola, when I accidentally ran over an entire family of hippies with my brand new Hummer; their screams were so loud I could barely hear my iPod. And this, people, is why I’ll be the first to tell you that these JLPT numbers is whack. Matt Damon and I both avidly dislike them apples.

The Japanese Language Proficiency Test is just like every other standardized test in that it doesn’t measure actual ability or proficiency in the field in question; it merely measures proficiency in taking the test. Oh, don’t get me wrong — you need to know some English to understand SAT directions and some Japanese to understand JLPT instructions, but beyond that it’s all about splitting the stupidest, ugliest hairs imaginable.

For the sake of honesty, it should be renamed to something along the lines of the “Japanese Language Proficiency Test Proficiency Test” — much like how the SAT has at various times in the past respectively been called the “Scholastic Aptitude Test” and the “Scholastic Assessment Test” but ETS had to back off them lies because SATs neither measure nor assess scholastic anything. The SAT group of tests, now literally reduced to a meaningless acronym, measure SAT-taking ability. That’s why Adam Robinson had to go and write Cracking the SAT . Did you know that your score will go up each time you take an SAT or JLPT or even an IQ test? Did ya suddenly become more scholastically apt? Did ya get smarter? Do ya know more Japanese than 5 minutes ago?

And somehow the JLPT people have got the whole freaking world convinced that you need a JLPT to get a job and even be recognized as an adult in Japanese society. None of my Japanese friends, colleagues and associates have ever even heard of the JLPT. Just as most English native speakers have no idea what the TOEIC and TOEFL are. Tellingly, the author of this super-excellent book discusses the phenomenon of people with madd dope TOEIC test scores but crappy English.

Anyway, the JLPT matters far more to and among gaijin, than to and among actual Japanese people. Because guess what — Japanese is not about passing tests, it’s about listening to, reading, speaking and writing real, live, uncut, unedited, NON-MULTIPLE CHOICE Japanese. Are Japanese people going to come up to you and be like:

“私は東京に行きました” And then go,
Did I go (a) TO Tokyo (b) FROM Tokyo (c) IN Tokyo or (d) AT Tokyo?

No! For one thing, Japanese people don’t say lamo, borderline textbook-sounding things like “私は東京に行きました” any more often than English speakers say “how do you do?!” or “what is your good name?”. More importantly, there is no multiple freaking choice in real life. Real life is “harder” like that, in that you either understood fully and correctly or you didn’t. But it’s also easier in that you can actually have fun practicing and not have your Japanese “childhood” turn into a JL-motherlovin-PT preparation ritual.

Urrrggh. Did I mention I hate the JLPT?
BTW, if they buy me off, I’ll take it all back. This post? Gone! What joke? Whose town?

Focus on 日本語, not on stupid tests. Take it from someone who knows: your daily interactions in Japanese are the greatest preparation and proof of proficiency. Watching comedy shows, talking to friends, reading manga — this is the real deal; this is life; this is your test of Japanese language proficiency. You should aim to be so good at Japanese that some stupid deskmonkey circle-filling test of it would simply be an insult to your very being — a proposition as ludicrous as asking you to take the TOEIC or TOEFL.

Do. Not. Learn. Japanese. To. Take. Tests. In.

End of rant.

PS: I have reviewed resumes written by candidates who (wrote they?) had passed upper levels of this JLPT (at least level 2, and maybe some level 1)…the resumes sucked — poor usage, terrible formatting, kanji errors left and right. For all their precious test scores, do you think I recommended them? DO YOU? In cases like this, and indeed in most of the cases that I can think of that matter, language skill is — or at least freaking well should be — self-evident; it doesn’t need to be tested.

Save your time and money for that cosplay convention in a couple of months.

End of rant. Really. I’m done.

And another thing! The arrogance of those JLPT-makers. When did I die and give them the right to decide what constitutes “standard” Japanese? On what authority do they decide these levels? By what divine, Khatzumotoan power do they decide the contents of the test? No, wait, scratch that — if you don’t yet know enough Japanese, the JLPTers can always hide behind that — all you need do is go look at some ESL/EFL materials to see for yourself the kind of bullwinkle that passes for language “education” and skill evaluation. My friend, the emperor has no clothes. You do not need these tests; they’re just a bunch of junk some people who think they know what they’re doing put together. If you really want to test your Japanese ability, turn on the television.

For real. The End.

You thought I was done, eh? Well, rants don’t conclude: they merely pause! I’m back with another talking point! What’s all this shizzle about “well, Khatzumoto, I’m going to take the JLPT to motivate me”. ‘The fooooooork? Dude, if you need, to shell out actual dollars, to have someone ask you, to fill in crappy little circles, with a stupid little #2 pencil, in some massive room, filled with other nervous deskmonkeys…to get <airquotes>”motivation”</airquotes>…then maybe you shouldn’t be learning Japanese in the first place. Dude, come on! Make your own phrekkin’ goals, man!

If you really want to test your Japanese ability, turn on the television.

So, as you all know, the primary purpose of this website is to help you learn a language to fluency, on your own, having fun. It’s my belief that anybody can do that. And with a good library, an internet connection and a bit of creativity, you don’t need to spend a yen.

Back in March 2008, though, I received a special request from one of my readers who wanted extra step-by-step coaching on setting up the SRS and getting started. I gave him a month of unlimited, detailed guidance through emails, while he pre-sweetened the deal with a generous donation. The set-up worked out really well, and so I’ve decided to officially offer this consulting service to anyone who is interested.

If you have tons of questions you are burning to ask and have answered all at once, or if you would like someone who’s been down the road to walk you through part of the journey step-by-step, or if you can’t quite figure out how and what you should be doing in the technical department with software and such, then this is the right service for you. Keep in mind that this isn’t teaching; you don’t need someone to make your decisions for you; it is consulting in that you need advice, you ask me, I offer the advice, you make your own final decision, and you maintain control over your process and actions.

What else, oh yeah — you NEED this! Sign up or you’ll never know happiness! Win the respect of your peers and succeed in romance. STOCKS ARE RUNNING OUT! BUY NOW! Really, though, the rates are starting low, but they may change, so you know…now is a good time to feel rushed and pressured. PRESSURE. PRESSURRRRRRRE.

• W-Pack: 1 week (7 days) unlimited email consulting.
• F-Pack: 1 fortnight (14 days) unlimited email consulting.
• M-Pack: 1 month (30 days) unlimited email consulting.
• T-Pack: 1 hour of telephone consulting on Skype.

Notes:

• Do you like the pack names? Yeah, I made them myself.
• All packs offer guaranteed response within 24 hours or less.
• So that you can get a quicker response, try to keep the individual emails really short — one-liners even..,but then, given the limited time, you’ll probably want to write longer messages, in which case…
• If you do write a longer email, numbering the questions can help it get answered quicker and even more accurately than usual.
• Why does the phone consulting cost more than everything else? Becaaaaause…talking on the phone uses up my magical life force…

I know I’ve written on this topic before. FORGET WHAT I SAID. That explanation sucked; it was far too complicated. Just do this. This is all you need to do to smoothly make the transition to monolingual dictionaries. Are you ready? OK. Here it comes:

Look up definitions of words you already know.

You heard me.

LOOK

UP

WORDS

YOU

ALREADY

KNOW

In Japanese, that would be super, duper, uber, simple, kantan, remedial words. I refer to:

• 此処(here)
• 食べる(eat)
• 飲む(drink)
• 男(man)
• 女(woman)
• 行く(to go)
• 来る(to come)
• 大きい(big)
• 小さい(small)
• お前(you)
• の(”of”)
• ママ(Mama)
• は ([topic marker])
• 氈鹿(goat antelope) — what, you didn’t know this one?
• だ(is)
• よ([emphasis marker])
• ええっ？(huh?)
• 何？(what?)
• 殺す(kill)
• ぞ([emphasis marker])
• この(this)
• 野郎(rascal)

I think you get the message. So, all you cats worrying about “goin’ monolingual”, start with words you already know. No chance of misunderstanding there, right? Right. Good. End transmission.

Hey! I really love getting your emails! And answering your questions and sharing advice, experiences, et cetera.

Unfortunately…I’ve found myself trying to minimize time spent answering questions in order to maximize time spent doing things that, well, pay financially. And stuff.

But I’d actually really love to be working with you guys.

As it happens, back in March of this year (2008), I received a special request from a reader of AJATT, who wanted extra step-by-step advice on study equipment purchases, setting up the SRS and  just generally getting started. He offered a generous donation in exchange for a month of unlimited, detailed guidance through emails. The set-up worked out really well, and so I’m thinking of offering this service to everyone. Before I go ahead with the offering, I want to ask you this: what do you think is a fair price for:

• 1 week of unlimited email guidance
• 30 days of unlimited email guidance
• 1 hour of phone consulting time

respectively? Let me know by leaving a comment. You can copy and paste the following format if you want, to save yourself some typing.

• [1 week email][AMOUNT]
• [30 days email][AMOUNT]
• [1 hour phone][AMOUNT]

(P.S.) The basic idea is that you could still email me for free, but if you really feel like you need step-by-step help, then this provides a “hotline” of sorts.

Everyone loves a success story. I know I do. When I was learning Japanese hardcore, I looked high and low for stories of other people’s journeys. Anyway, here’s one from a reader who goes by the handle Awkward Map on this site. He’s finished RTK (Remembering the Kanji) and is now three months into sentences. The following are his own words:

To start with, I’d like to express my displeasure with classes. The only thing that I gained from my two years of Japanese at college is that it would take me 10+ years to get good at it if I continued on that path. The professors’ grasp of English was equally saddening, as clearly whatever methods they used to learn it were not very good. “If these people are what I’m going to sound like in Japanese, I’m in trouble,” I thought.

I picked up the pieces from my last attempt at Heisig and began searching around for the methods people used to learn Japanese to a fluent level. On a newsgroup I found a link to Khatzumoto’s website and was stunned at how quickly he was able to learn Japanese. I found out what an SRS is and if that was the only thing I found out I was already doing great, because that meant I was able to pitch 800+ cards that were already done up for Heisig’s system (pain in the butt, right there). My two months with that SRS before going into the sentences phase showed me that an SRS really can work for securing long-term memory.

At that point, I went AJATT. Goodbye friends, non-Japanese websites, all the things I used to love. “Headphones up, drown out the English,” was my motto for those last couple of months at school. I began working through Tae Kim’s Japanese Guide to Japanese Grammar, mining sentences in concert with reading a bit from my Japanese textbooks from school (Genki I, II).

At the same time I picked up Death Note and starting mining sentences from that. Talk about repetition! 犯罪者 this, 死因 that, and some 病死 added for good measure. Amusingly for the first month I did it wrong and translated from Japanese to English. Amusing, I know. Also lead to extreme despair for the next couple of weeks as I fixed the sentences.

Anyways, I kept reading on there about “monodics” and thought “man, I’m only two months into this, can’t do it.” Instead of admit defeat however, I just started using Sanseidou for everything. It was tough, but not impossible to understand things and it did take a while. At the beginning it was perhaps 2-3 sentences per day (with maybe 3-4 hours available) with the monodic, which is hard to rationalize against the many more that I could be learning with a bilingual dictionary (bidic?), but the more I used the monodic the more it rewarded me with vocabulary seen over and over. Now on a good day spending about 8 hours working on sentences I’m able to put in 25-30 sentences using a combination of monodics (Sanseidou, Yahoo!, and Infoseek) to reliably check my understanding using different terminology.

(However, with the addition that the sentences should be the length you mentioned, this may balloon to more per day. I was doing sentences a wee bit bigger than that as an average for a while there…)

I still run into stuff over and over that I’m not able to decipher completely, sadly, but it’s just a matter of time. Using a monodic has given more perspective on how the language works and its incredible compact and condensed nature that kanji allows it to have. So… yeah. Right now I’m at 976 sentences, but I’m pretty confident that this is going to just get faster and faster the more sentences I put into my SRS. Just like how I was only able to put one sentence in per hour before and now it’s 3 or 4, pretty soon it’s going to be even more. The “back” sides of my cards are still friggin’ huge, however, what with the circular nature of definitions.

Right now I’m starting to read about the Japanese video game scene because they were a big reason for my interest in Japan (Pokemon, oh yeah! Dragon Warrior! Woo!). So, I’m picking up a lot of stuff that I already knew from one source or another about video games. Good ol’ Japanese Wikipedia has been my best source.

“Learning a language is not a linear process. The better you get, the easier it gets for you to get better. The more you know, the more you are able to learn. Knowledge, words, structure will get stickier ― but first you have to go through this sucky period, before the curve starts to shoot up.”

is also, like, such a great quote and so true.

Anyways, there’s where I’m at after three months of sentences.

以上。That’s his story. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Email it to me! I can put it up here and it’ll inspire other people, and you’ll save me some writing!