This is the fourth (extremely late) installment in a new (ideally) weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”.

お待たせ（またせ）！So sorry to keep you waiting for this week’s お巫山戯. The Khatz and I attended two big wedding parties last week, and, being the grungy T-shirts-lounge-pants-and-sneaker-wearing geeks that we are, it took a LOT of effort and focus and positive pep talks (and bribes from our friends) to get us off our lazy a**es and into formal attire. Anything formal…is like Kryptonite to us…but we did it…and it was actually incredibly fun, and we’re extremely lucky to have such awesome, patient friends. But, like I said, it took a bit of time and energy so that is why this is so late this week.

I’ve decided to take a short break from my recent obsession with potty training (I’m guessing you’d probably like to give your gag reflex a rest) and turn to something much more…pretty…and sparkling and cozy like pink hearts and glitter and fluffy bunnies!! So this week we’re going to take out our frilly Lolita umbrellas and frolic around in the magical Hello-Kitty-esque land of…

✭⋱⋆ღ♥ஐカワイイ!!!ஐ♥ღ⋆⋰ ✭

Just what exactly is 可愛い（かわいい）? Let me introduce you to some experts on the subject…

Kittens!

This little kitten （子猫／こねこ） is 可愛い…

So is this extremely sleepy （眠い／ねむい） one:

And this kitten is SUPER kawaii (超可愛い／ちょうかわいい):

Awww, ain’t that precious. 可愛くない（かわいくない）！？ There’s only one thing more 可愛い than kittens…

School Girls!

Q: What do you get when you cross 可愛い with 女子高生（じょしこうせい） — those world-renowned Japanese high school girls in ultra-short-skirted (they really are, even in the winter…I’m totally in awe…no idea how they do it) uniforms?
A: 萌え（もえ）！！

And right now nothing is as 可愛い or 女子高生 or 萌え as the manga/anime series らき☆すた (“Lucky ☆ Star” — Yes, that is an actual star symbol in the middle. Get used to it! We’re not in Kansas anymore…)

Now, I’m warning you. The intro song, もってけ！セーラーふく (Work that sailor uniform!), is like 可愛い ON STEROIDS. Brace yourself, okay? Here’s the full/extended version, complete with Japanese lyrics (thank you tanigutanigu!):

(You can find copy-and-pasteable lyrics for the whole song here.)

I know, I know, I was a bit shell-shocked when I heard that song for the first time, too.

If you want a closer look at what hit you back there, here are the opening lyrics in all their stupefying glory. For the (rough) translation, I relied on the extremely helpful line-by-line explanation provided by a knowledgeable fan here (助かりました、パトリシア＝マーティンさん！）, the English subtitles from the video clip we’ll get to in just a minute (thanks gleipnir2!), and Khatz’s suggestions (ありがとう、ダーリン！　(^з^)-☆):

It’s like peering into the jaws of madness, no?

Guess what? Most Japanese people feel completely lost, too. Here is just a sampling of the online comments I came across when I was sweating blood trying to understand and translate the lyrics:

深く（ふかく）考えちゃ（かんがえちゃ）いけない歌詞（かし）だ
These are lyrics you just can’t think too hard about.

深く考えないで　まいっか（＝まあいいか）
Don’t think too hard about it. F*** it.

ぅん!!考えちゃだめだこの歌（うた）は!!聞く（きく）に限る（かぎる）！！
Yeah!! You better not think about this song!! Just listen to it!!

And of course, the predictable

萌えーーーーー

from a smitten geek.

I even stumbled upon this hilarious mock-conspiracy-theory “exposé” that reveals how the mysterious lyrics encode information about the coming annihilation of humanity （人類滅亡／じん・るい・めつ・ぼう） in World War III （第三次世界大戦／だい・さん・じ・せ・かい・たい・せん）! (It’s even illustrated like a manga with awesome ASCII art. If you need one reason to learn Japanese, this is it…)

Why is it so hard for even Japanese people to understand the lyrics? Because under the breezy surface of this cute little song lies a Pandora’s box chock-full of school girl slang, clever word play and sexual innuendo. Linguistically speaking, this is some dope shi**.

So let us take the advice of our Japanese betters. Just roll with it. (Or invent your own conspiracy theory.) Do NOT try to make it make sense. Just listen. Sing along. To preserve your sanity.

Now let’s skip past that really fast part to the chorus…

Wow. It doesn’t get much more 可愛い than “キャ？　ワ！　イイv” (“v” = the “v”-shaped peace/victory sign you make with your fingers…I think).

And, finally, here for your viewing entertainment and CULTURAL EDIFICATION is the first episode. In the main scene (starting at about 2 minutes into the clip), three of the four main characters — こなた （「こなちゃん」, the tomboyish one with blue hair), つかさ (the purple-haired one with a bow in her hair; her twin sister, かがみ, has pig tails), and みゆき (the overly polite, pink-haired one with glasses) — fret over the best ways to eat various pastries: a chocolate-filled cornet （チョココロネ／チョココルネ）; a cream puff （シュークリーム）; a piece of strawberry shortcake （イチゴショート）; a popsicle （アイス）; and a (soft-serve) ice cream cone （ソフトクリーム）. Enjoy:

(Is it just me, or is there something…a bit “Freudian”…about this scene? But, hey, it could just be me… I mean, what IS the best way to suck out the creamy contents of various phallic-shaped desserts? These are important philosophical questions!!)

The central question here, as posed by こなた, is which side you should eat the chocolate cornet from:

こなた：　ね、つかさ、チョココロネってどこから食べる（たべる）？

つかさ postulates that you start from the “head”:

つかさ：　頭（あたま）からかな。

こなた：　そうっか。

Okay… So the next logical question would be, which end is the head: the fat one or the thin one?

こなた：　ところでさ、頭ってどっち、太い（ふとい）方（ほう）と細い（ほそい）方（ほう）？

つかさ opts for the thin end:

つかさ：　私（わたし）はこっちの細い方が頭だと思う（おもう）んだけど。

This suprises こなた, who has always thought the fat end was the “head”:

こなた：　あっそうか。あたしは太った（ふとった）方（ほう）が頭だと思った（おもった）よ。

When こなた asks つかさ why she takes the former position,

こなた： でも何（なん）で細い方が頭？

つかさ argues that the chocolate cornet looks like a seashell:

つかさ：　だって貝（かい）みたいじゃない？

And when つかさ turns the question back on こなた,

つかさ： こなちゃんは何で太った方？

こなた offers the counter-argument that the cornet looks like a caterpillar (literally, “potato bug”),

こなた：　だってさ、芋虫（いもむし）みたいじゃん。

grossing out つかさ:

つかさ：　えっ！芋虫！？

Upon which こなた agrees that the seashell model is much more appetizing:

こなた：　まあ、でもそう考える（かんがえる）と貝の方（ほう）がイメージいいね。

This model turns out to be more elegant in theory than in practice, however. When Konata bites the thin end, the chocolate filling squeezes out of the fat end, and she has to keep turning it around to lick the extra chocolate before it falls out.

At which point, the perfectionist Miyuki has to intervene…

みゆき：　あ、あの・・・
こなた：　ん？

She offers a third, compelling (if perhaps complicated) solution to the problem:

みゆき：　細い方が千切って（ちぎって）、余った（あまった）チョコを付けて(つけて）食べるという食べ方（たべかた）も・・・

You can also break off the thin end and dip it in the extra chocolate (from the fat end)…

つかさ：　なるほどね！

Eureka! Seems to make sense.

But after a detour into how to eat curry rice （カレーライス）, what condiments to use on what dishes, and different ways of eating egg and meat dishes, Konata realizes

こなた：　あっ。ところで、太い方と細い方、どっちがチョココロネの頭？

she still isn’t sure which end of the cornet is the “head”…

So, comrades, let me turn this dilemma over to you: what do YOU think the best way to eat a chocolate cornet is? And which end is the “head”?

Next up, the only thing more 可愛い than school girls is:

School Boys!

(to be continued next week…)

This is the third installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week, you began your journey into the secrets of Japanese potty training and became a パンツマン: answering the call of the むずむず, practicing おしっこ (while humming the しーぱぱ song) and うんち (while grunting along with the うーんぱぱ song), flushing おしっこ君 and うんち君 bye-bye, and strutting around in those hot J-pants.

Yes, your sit-down style is very good. But patience, grasshopper. You still have much to learn. It is time for you to leave the dojo (道場・どうじょう） and venture out into the wide world of toilet variation!

Your favorite potty-training tiger しまじろう is back with two new magical friends. おしっこバケツ, Pee Bucket, will show you how to use the principle of timing to avoid an embarrassing EMERGENCY. And 和式トイレ, Squatty Potty, will train you in the techniques of the squat style practiced all over Asia and popular in public restrooms in Japan.

Listen to these skilled masters, and 「どんなトイレも　へっちゃらちゃ！」 — any toilet will be a piece of cake!:

Wasn’t that *special*?

Now stretch your quads and grab those training pants. It’s time for another potty training adventure!

おしっこバケツ！: Pee Bucket!

わーい！

Yay!

Boy, are you excited! You skip through the doors of the huge ヨドバシカメラ electronics mega-store in 秋葉原（あきはばら）. You start making a bee-line for the i-Pad display when

(Your name)？ トイレは？

Your momma tries to talk some sense into you: Boy/Girl, check yo self! You need to go?

うーん･･･

Mmmm… You look down at your “tummy”, listening for the むずむず’s, but instead — boom! Out pops a…bucket?

僕(ぼく） (your name) のおしっこバケツ！

“I’m your pee bucket!” he gleefully announces.

Just how many freaks you got living in there, mate? Your “pee bucket”, huh… The only thing that would make this any weirder would be if he started…dancing…and singing…oh lard here it comes:

Despite this catchy motivational song, complete with a go-go pee drops chorus, you blow off his advice, you little punk:

やっぱりまだいいや。

Meh, I’m ok for now.

But the pee-pee bucket is already hopping side to side, doing the potty-dance:

(Your name)！ おしっこどんどん溜まって（たまって）きたよ！

Yo! This pee is filling up like mad, son!

トイレ行く（いく）よ！

Get your a** to a toilet!

**********

Ten minutes later, you’re getting a butt massage in one of the deluxe massage chairs, giggling like a fool, when all of a sudden…

おっ！

*Gasp!* You grab your pee-bucket region –

あー・・・

Uh-oh…

おしっこバケツ is frantic now — he can hardly hold it in:

(Your name)！ おしっこ漏れちゃう（もれちゃう）よ！

Dude! I’m gonna EXPLODE (lit. The pee’s gonna leak out)!!

You’re running like crazy–

お母（かあ）さん！ トイレ！

Mommy! I gotts ta GO!!

お母さん’s shaking her head…

やっぱり！ さっき行って（いって）おけばよかったでしょう？

I knew it! Ya shoulda gone before, doncha know!

There you are doing a tap dance, struggling with your zipper in front of the first ceramic basin you lay eyes on…

You’re freaking out:

あー　漏れちゃう！

(*&$%@! I’m gonna pee my pants!!)

Your pee bucket’s freaking out:

早く（はやく）、早く！！

(Move it muddaf***ah!!!)

It’s the freaking end of the world…

Or is it?

…

あ～　間に合った！

Whew! Just in time! You lucky son-of-a-tiger!

Your empty pee bucket breathes a sigh of relief:

フー！

And shows you the back of his hand…well he should…but being a gentleman of honor, he raises his pointing finger (ここがポイント！– Here comes an important point!) instead and cheerfully reminds you:

（Your name)、もうぎりぎりは嫌（いや）だよ！

Don’t EVER just-in-time me again! You hold it in one more time and I will internally wound you!

おしっこがいっぱいになる前（まえ）に、トイレに行ってね！

So go potty before your bladder gets full, mkay?

But before his sage advice can sink in…

お！

Uh-oh… There’s that むずむず tickle in your butt again! And you know what that means…

あー　うんちかな？

Umm… I think I need to poo!

You look around the public restroom and…wait, what is THAT…that long ceramic hole in the ground?!!

和式トイレ！: Squatty Potty!

You start to panic…

どうしよう！ うちのトイレと違う（ちがう）。

Oh crap! It’s different from my potty at home!

And crap is exactly what you’ve got to do… But how?! Your usual パンツマン confidence is shriveling up…

But then…oh my magic sparkles?!…the squatty potty comes to life all fired-up with positive can-do gumption:

大丈夫！

Don’t worry you’re pretty little head!

僕と一緒（いっしょ）にやってみよう！

We can do it together!!

You blink your eyes, a little stunned –

おっ

Now hold on to your J-pants…I can feel another song coming on…

Then the toilet-paper dispenser whisks you off-screen as your underwear and shorts fly off of you…in a totally…non-creepy way…

And then Squatty Potty gives you your first instruction…

それじゃ、僕を跨いで（またいで）！

Ok, straddle me!

…Whoa! Ok, that’s it! You give potty mouth and his pervy sidekick a hard kick where it counts and… Wait! No!! It’s not what you’re thinking! He’s a squatty potty — what’s he supposed to say?! Drop those pants? Spread ‘em? Now for a shower of golden proportions??…

Hehe… *Happy thoughts, happy thoughts*

うん。

Ok. *Gulp*

You turn around so your butt is pointing at the squatty potty’s head, and he’s like, whoa there buddy…

ううん、そっちじゃなくて

No, no, not like that…

And you’re all

え？

Huh?

(…and now Momoko realizes she’s been doing it wrong all these years…&$%#@!…)

Now let Squatty break it down for you with another song:

Lower… lower… lower… (Watch you’re balance! you do NOT want to fall down right now…)

*Drum roll*

ストップ！

Stop!

準備（じゅんび）オッケー？

All ready?

Yep! All set! Now it’s your time to shine!

うーん うーん

A couple of grunts, and… *Bombs Away!* …a juicy little poo pops out!

出た（でた）！

Yeah, it’s out! OMG! You did it!!

ぱぱぱらっぱっぱっぱー ♪

*Trumpets!*

わーい！

Woo HOO! Yeah! Look who’s squatting now!

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Impressive. Now, young パンツマン, you are trained in the styles of both East and West. You have entered the narrow gate to deep cultural understanding. Soon you will be unstoppable!

もうどんなトイレもへっちゃらちゃ！

Now any toilet will be へっちゃらちゃ!

Oh yeah, one more thing…

Now, ladies, if you have a hard time grunting like しまじろう in public…or farting…or even making the tiniest pee tinkle, you are in LUCK because the public restrooms for women in Japan are equipped with one of the most exciting, revolutionary technologies to grace this age — the…

（おとひめ） or “Sound Princess”! It’s a handy little device on the wall next to the toilet, and when you wave your hand like a beauty queen in front of the sensor, it continuously loops a flushing sound like a sparkling mountain stream so that the business that goes on in your stall, stays in your stall.

Check this baby out:

Classy, innit? This is, apparently, one of the carefully guarded secrets Japanese women have been keeping from Japanese men. So sorry guys… I guess you’ll have write a few petitions…make a few posters…go on a few strikes if you want to get some of this action. (Or go in drag… But that’s a お巫山戯 for another week…)

‘Til next time, happy squatting!

This is the second installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week we went head-to-head with a round-up of Japanese babies and found that, despite all their cuteness, those ちび’s got nothing on us Japanese-wise.

Once those little two-and-a-half-year-old’s who can’t remember the names of colors or what they ate for lunch pass their third birthday, however, it’s a different story. Suddenly you’ve got an entitled motor-mouth bossing you around and trying to explain these long, convoluted stories as you desperately nod your incomprehensive face and hope she won’t be able to tell she lost you 10 minutes back after the first breathless あのね、･･･ .

Yes, those three-year-old’s have something…special.

I’ve thought about this phenomenon long and hard, and as I see it, the one thing these kids got that we don’t got is the super-secret coming-of-age rite each Japanese child is initiated into just before they turn three: 排泄訓練（はいせつくんれん）, or potty-training…in Japanese. I mean, where else would they get that gloating air of self-satisfaction, that preternatural confidence and poise?

Not potty-trained in Japanese yet? NO PROBLEM. Today, my friend, you are going to earn your very own pair of J-pants and become a パンパン・パンツマン! With the help of a singing family of tigers! Yeah!

I know, I know, you’re practically peeing your pants with excitement… Just hold that thought…just a little longer until you know what to do.

We’ll receive our basic training from the infamous classic　「トイレで できたら パンツマン」 (Use-the-Potty Pantsman/ If you can use the potty, you’re a pantsman!). Just click on the screen below and しまじろう （縞次郎 – “Stripey”) and his friends おしっこ君 (Mr. Pee) and うんち君 (Mr. Poo) will hook-you-up （there’s even a peek at some wicked しまじろう potty-training gear at the end):

(A version with helpful matching English subtitles can also be found here.)

This is a lot of information to take in at once, I know. So let’s take it step-by-step and do a little image training, yeah?

おしっこだ！: Going #1

Okay, so you’re sitting there, doing your kanji reps (プップー), gulping down your favorite sugary yogurt drink ピルクル, when all of a sudden you get this weird, prickly sensation down in your… “stomach” …

おっ！お腹（なか）がむずむずする！

you exclaim, wondering what on earth it could mean…

Then the cloying jiminy-cricket-like voice of Mama Tiger pops into your head and chimes in:

むずむずした時（とき）、なーん（何）だ？

What does it mean when your tummy goes むずむず? What indeed… You concentrate really hard, and

むずむず！むずむず！

a tear-drop-shaped gremlin starts jumping up and down all up inside of you, tickling you in strange places, making you think of…Niagara falls…*that’s right, the tear-drop-shaped gremlin means…*

おしっこだ！

Pee-pee!! Yesss!! I’ve got this one!

僕（ぼく）トイレ！

(or if you’re of the female persuasion)

私（わたし）トイレ！

I gotta go!

You scamper off to the toilet and, lo and behold, it greets you in Japanese:

やあ、(your name)！

and you’re like, ohmygosh I gotta pee,

僕／私 おしっこなの。

And then in a totally platonic, non-creepy way, the magical talking toilet tells you to come sit on its lap…

よーし、僕に座って（すわって）。

And you’re all

うん！

Yeah! Let’s do this!

Then in the back of your mind, it’s as if you can hear a million AJATTeer voices all around you, encouraging you on:

(Your name)、一緒（いっしょ）に頑張ろう（がんばろう）！

Let’s do this together!

You clench both fists with a look of grim determination like, I’m going to do this pee-pee or go down trying, and

うん！

you give a firm nod…it’s pee-pee song time.

Hmm…so catchy…しーぱっぱ… Before you know it,

やほー！

Cowabunga!!! おしっこ君 magically water-slides out of you and into the toilet, laughing hysterically like he’s having the time of his life !

And you’re all, OMG! The pee-pee came out!

おしっこ出た（でた）！

And the crowd goes wild:

わーい！やった！やった！

Woohoo! You did it!! Look at you all grown up and peeing in Japanese! Yeah!!

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Mr. Pee as you flush him down to a better place:

おしっこ君（くん）、バイバイ！

As you triumphantly wash your hands, your imaginary tiger mother heaps on the praise:

トイレでおしっこ出来た（できた）わね！

You did a pee-pee on the toilet, doncha know!

うん！

That’s right bee-atch! This little cub’s going places!

Now you’re half-way to those coveted panties. Just one more Rubicon to cross…

僕うんち！: Going #2

So you’re snacking away on ポッキー sticks and popcorn, watching your favorite Japanese drama. It’s just getting to the good part when all of a sudden…

あれ？　お尻（しり）がむずむずする！

What the? It’s that むずむず feeling again, but this time in your butt!!

Here comes that jiminy-cricket voice again, but this time in the paternal bass of Papa Tiger…

むずむずした時、なーんだ？

What could it be? Irritable bowel syndrome? Think, think, think…

むずむず！むずむず！

Woah, there’s another gremlin bouncing up and down inside your nether-regions! But this time it looks like a little brown blob…kind of like…oh ye-eah…

僕／私 うんち！

I gotta poo!!

トイレに行く（いく）！

To the toilet-mobile!

Your trusty toilet is waiting and ready for action:

よーし！うんちも頑張って（がんばって）みよう！

Righty-o! Let’s give this poo-thing a try!

うん！

All right! You’re all psyched up, you get into position, and it’s time for the poo-poo song:

One more squeeze and …

わーい！

Weeee! Out pops うんち君! What a happy little sh**!

うんち出た！

The うんち is out! You did it!

やったね、(your name)！

It’s party time! A magical ball bursts open, trumpets play, and all this confetti floats down! It’s like you’re a hero in a ticker-tape parade!

Now bend over and wipe that a**…

お尻を拭いて（ふいて）

…and say good-bye to the giggling little turd as he swirls down the hole!

うんち君、バイバイ！

Whew, doesn’t that feel good.

あ～　すっきりした！

Fresh as a daisy!

Wow, you can’t believe it… Won’t your tiger dad be proud!

お父さん（おとうさん）、僕／私 トイレでうんち出来たね！

Daddy, daddy, I did a brown poopee on the toilet, didn’t I!!!

うん！すごいぞ！

You sure did, little trouper! Way to go!

パンパン･パンツマンだ！: Look ｗho’s a pantsman now!

And now *ahem* it is time for the donning of the sacred pants:

今日（きょう）から（your name）も･･･パンパン・パンツマンだ！！！

From this day henceforth, you too shall be known as a…

*Dah duh-duh DAH!*

…pan-pan-PANTSMAN!!!

OMG!!! Look at those spanking new J-pants! Sparkling like a million suns! Go ahead, try ‘em on… Yeah, you like that?

パンツで気持ち（きもち）いい！

You bet they feel good! That’s the feeling of POWER! You’re not a Japanese baby anymore, son — now you’re a full-fledged member of the J-Pants Big People Society.

Yeah, go on, give those knickers a good smack!

パンパン　パンツマン！

Now, we must protect…this…house!

*パンパン　パン　パンパン　パン*

Who will protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

Will you protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

We must protect this house!

I will I will!!

J-PANTS!!!

Aaaah! すっきりした！Can you feel it?! That new-found pride and sense of accomplishment?

If you’re still feeling a bit lost, don’t worry! We’ll be practicing a lot more in coming installments. You’ll learn how to handle any situation — Japanese-style toilets, running out of toilet paper, having to go pee and poo at the same time, constipation…

By the end of this month, you will have *mastered* this subtle Japanese art. You, too, can be a パンパン　パンツマン!

きみも一緒にパンツマンになろう！

More fun links:

If しまじろう’s tireless enthusiasm and squeaky voice haven’t driven you crazy yet, try playing some free online games at his official website (don’t worry—no more bouncing turds).

Here are some ones to get you started (these have both sound and Japanese subtitles all the way through):

きみは　なにが　すき？/ What do you like?: Compare what you and しまじろう like (omg!).

きょうは　なにして　あそぶ？/ What do you want to ‘play’ today? (two options: shopping or soccer): Help しまじろう find food in the grocery store or play a soccer game with him.

たんじょうびは　いつ？/ When’s your birthday?: Guess しまじろう’s birthday and tell him yours.

And last but not least, be sure not to miss:

しまじろうと　ぐー・ちょき・ぱー/ Play ‘Rock-Scissors-Paper’ with Shimajirou (sound but no subtitles): See if you can beat しまじろう at Rock-Paper-Scissors (watch out — that tiger’s pretty good).

This is the first installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

I have to admit, one of the most humiliating parts of learning a language is when you realize that even three-year-olds put you to shame—after months or even years of trying to learn the blasted thing. When I go to a Japanese friend’s house and listen to their little ちびちゃん babbling away, my internal monologue usually goes something like this: #@$&*! What’s the word for dinosaur again? hide-and-go-seek? elbow? pee-pee? Sh**! Sh**! Sh**!!! Why don’t I know this stuff?! That snot face is totally owning me!

But fear not, comrades. I’ve got just the thing for our wounded egos. Maybe you suck at Japanese, but there’s no WAY you suck as hard as these slobbering cretins precious bundles of joy. (Or you won’t in about 2 minutes after reading this.)

I give you: Japanese babies that suck. Even harder than you.

First off, let’s start with …

Counting!

The title of our first video translates “A baby who can count”. See what you think…

「数字を数える赤ちゃん」? I don’t think so! You can’t just make the same incoherent sound whenever your mom pauses and call that counting. That’s いち、に、さん fool!!

This next baby got one number right…

…and consistently forgot all the nine ones that came before it! Nice. Again, that’s いち、に、さん, not いち、に、じゃ～ん. You just can’t make this stuff up…

I don’t know, folks, but if his parents can claim he can count after that, where, I guess 「数」 is “number” instead of “numbers”, then we all know Japanese. I mean, you know “sushi”, right?

Let’s move on to

Colors!

Our next little ちび is either color blind or suffers from severe short-term memory loss. You decide:

That’s ピンク、あお、あか bee-atch!

Aww… But let’s give her another chance. In this second attempt, she starts out strong…

…and sharply nose-dives into a long stream of gobbledygook.

Take a look at this scorecard:

That’s after, what, two years of Japanese immersion?! Baby, please.

Last of all, let’s take a look at

Food!

“What did you eat?” A question so simple, even a two-and-a-half-year-old who had just eaten a pear and is still sitting at the table wearing her bib could answer it, no problem, right? Right?

I love it! First her dad fakes her out: もも（桃）？

She takes the bait: Yeah, yeah, that’s it, I had a peach…

And he’s like: Unh-unhh *you had a pear, baby!!*

And she’s like: Uh, yeah! なし（梨）！

Lol, and then he’s like: Was it good?

And then she looks over at her mom for a hint, like she can’t remember: Ummmm…ye-eah…

Her mom checks: So what did you eat again?

Baby: A pear! A pear, ok, A PEAR!

And she slaps the table like, Yeah! I know what I eat!

… (Two seconds later) …

Dad, playing dumb: I can’t remember anymore…what did you eat?

Baby: ええと・・・わすれちゃったぁ！

She forgot?!! Again? After two seconds? Is this baby for real?!

Dad tries to trip her up again: もも？

She’s not going for it this time… She’s smarter than that!

And here comes the icing on the cake… Wait for it…

Baby: し・・・しか（鹿）？

…

That’s right, folks, deer. As in Bambi.
She had a pea…DEER.

Sweet Jeebus, this baby’s gone crazy! Watch out, daddy! She’s gonna eat you next before she remembers that stupid piece of fruit!

Hmm… Now let’s see… What did *I* eat　today?

1. 林檎（りんご）
2. サンド
3. カレーライス
4. サラダ
5. バナナ
6. ジュース… Oh yeah and some
7. チップス

Piece. Of. ケーキ.

As for the rest of you, I know you hippies. You had sushi didn’t you?! Don’t worry, sushi （鮨／寿司） counts. And beer （ビール）. Oh, I’m sorry, *green tea* (お茶（ちゃ））. Hippies.

Final Score

Babies: 0
Us: 5

Aaaaaahhhhhh. Can you smell that? That’s the sweet fragrance of pure ownage.

Savor it, friends, savor it.

Alright, Enough Trash-talking Japanese Babies Already

Um, I’ve said a lot of nasty things here about uh… defenseless babies that I’m not too proud of, things I didn’t mean… I’d like to take a moment to publicly apologize to these babies and their parents and thank them for graciously giving us a peek into their private lives. I mean, seriously, those are some cute kids. ＼(-_-*)　反省！！

It’s obviously unfair for an uncouth, callous American brat like me to pick apart these babies’ skills when they’re still just developing. But my point in doing so, aside from just being an immature jacka**, is to remind us that it’s just as outrageous when we put ourselves down—the Japanese babies inside of us—with ridiculous adult-level expectations.

We need to nurture our own awkward growth with the same patience, encouragement, and relaxed sense of humor these parents show toward their children. They never question that their endearingly forgetful, often incoherent babies will grow into fluent, literate members of Japanese society as sure as the sun rises in the morning. And why should they? Living things grow the way they’re fed.

So as much as you may seem to suck now, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Make sure you baby your Japanese baby everyday.

Now for those pesky three-year-olds…　さあ　来い！

Note of acknowledgment. As Ryder astutely noted in the comments below, the “I am better than your kids.” articles by legendary web pirate Maddox, creator of the aptly named The Best Page in the Universe, were indeed an important source of inspiration in writing this article.

Keep in mind that this is just what I do right now. Yes, I am the Great Khatzumoto, but you know what? Really I’m just a 27-year-old boy who drinks peppermint tea and plays with his cats. I don’t know jack about jack. This is just what was most fun and least annoying for me. You’re bound to have a better idea and I’d love to hear about it if you’d like to share .

Put another way: a lot of AJATT strategic principles are universal, I think. But the tactical stuff is totally a matter of “what works for you”. I mean, we might not even be running the same OS, so…you know. Anyway, here we go!

The Steps

1. Have a song that you love, love, love and wish you could sing along to
2. If at any point in this process you get bored…stop. The worst thing you could do for your Chinese/Japanese/any language is start to associate it with boredom. That there is the gateway to failure. Having fun with and in the language is the name of the game.
3. Get an mp3 file of the song.
4. Split the file into 10~30-second clips with ~5 seconds of backward overlap
   • I add a 5-second backward overlap because a split on strict time boundaries is bound to be imperfect in that it’ll cut right in the middle of something good.
     • Adding the overlap provides a way to automatically compensate for this without going through the psychological and computational heck of attempting to split on something like silence-points.
   • I use EZSoftMagic’s MP3 Splitter & Joiner for this automated splitting
     • They’re not paying me for this endorsement, but they should
     • If you know of any other software that does a good job at this, feel free to share in comments.
   • The reason we split the file and not just throw the whole thing into the SRS is because we are trying to do what the SRS does best – optimize the management and memorization of discrete chunks of information. Throwing the entire song in there is (1) boring and (2) defeats the purpose of even having an SRS.
5. Get the lyrics of the song
6. Put the audio clip into the SRS on the back of the card
7. Put one line or less of the lyrics on the front of the card
   • i.e. the lyrics of a segment of the 10~30-second clip, not of the whole clip
8. Put the lyrics of the whole 10~30-second clip, or of the entire song, on the back of the card.
   • I prefer putting the lyrics of just the whole clip because it’s easier to read
   • But sticking the lyrics of the entire song on the back could save you a lot of fiddling
9. Do your reps.
   • The task is to read aloud or sing the line/segment of the line of the song
   • Check your “answer” against the actual song clip
10. Final note: if any of this feels like too much work, then stop. Abort. Delete. Whatever. Because you obviously don’t like the song enough. You may like the song, just not enough, not that much. And that’s fine. Remember, the idea is to be like Soviet Russia: let the media motivate you — that’s its job.  All you have to do is put yourself in the path of the media.

Sample Card

FRONT

男兒當自強

[Youtube]

BACK

[media: naam yi dong ji keung- 007.mp3]

廣闊浩氣揚　既是男兒當自強 昂步挺胸

jìshì【既是】
…であるからには．…である以上．

gei si naam yi dong ji keung

Benefits of this method

• Over time, with very little effort, you learn the entire song
• As per SRS principles, the parts of the song that give you the most trouble – and that therefore need the most practice – will get seen the most
  • Ever notice how almost everyone knows the chorus of a song no matter how complex the vocabulary? (I remember being about 6 years old and singing Bobby Brown’s “it’s my prerogative!”). That’s because the chorus gets repeated so much. SRSing the song turns the entire song into a “chorus”, in that all the parts of the song will get repeated to the degree necessary to ensure their memorization.
• No need to fiddle with carrying lyric sheets in your bag or on your computer – it’s not like you can ever get them out on time anyway.
• Even after the song stops getting playtime on your mp3 player, the SRS will ensure that you keep getting practice with it. This is a microcosm of how the SRS is a powerful partner to an immersion environment – even after you stop immersing in, say, technical documents from a certain field, the SRS will guarantee you keep getting the practice in that field that you need to retain your proficiency in it.

You’ve been doing arithmetic a long time, but you’ve probably only started SRSing relatively recently, SRS being a more recent invention than arithmetic. In SRSing we also have an order of operations AKA precedence rules AKA order of priority.

As with arithmetic, the SOOP (SRS order of priority) — yet another meaningless acronym — tells us what to do first, if there is any doubt. Unlike the arithmetic rules, the SOOP is not hard and fast. It’s just an arbitrary set of guidelines to make our lives easier and prevent the harried, type-A, OCDish behavior you sometimes see exhibited by people who are SRSing — behavior that leads them to burn out, give up, and curse this SRSing thing as “useless” or “not for me”.

So here it is, the SOOP, which can further be abbreviated as DADRA (how do I keep coming up with these?!): Don’t Add, Delete, Review, Add.

0. Don’t Add

• The zeroth rule. Not adding anything to your SRS deck is the most “important” activity, in that it takes precedence over all the others. If in doubt, don’t add anything to the SRS. Just don’t. Too hard to add? Don’t add it. Can’t be bothered? Don’t be. When something really needs to be added to the SRS, it won’t feel like a chore at all.

1. Delete

• The first rule. Delete. If in doubt, delete stuff. Delete. Delete. Deleted. Baleted. Let it go. There is perhaps nothing more threatening to your long-term SRSing prospects than bad cards. Nothing will drag down your repcount (reviewcount) more quickly and with more certainty, than the existence of large quantities of SRS cards you no longer give a care about. If in doubt, throw it out. Delete. Doesn’t matter if you would, could or should learn it. Delete it.
• What about “essential” language elements like individual kanji and/or kana and/or hangul, etc? Surely these can’t be deleted, right? Right? My original answer to that would have been a “yes, suck it up”. However, over time, my opinion has changed. I have found bad cards to be so destructive to SRSing that it is better to, yes, delete even cards containing essential, fundamental language elements. Call it “lazy processing”: you can always undelete, or re-add the cards later. If the language element is really that essential, you’ll be able to pick up the slack later.
• Important: I personally prefer to delete one card a time. I say, resist the impulse to “push the reset button” — delete entire decks and start from scratch, because this robs you of the opportunity to discover the properties of the cards you do like and are worth keeping. Also, it’s a bit of a binge-purge behavior, which is something you don’t want.
• I virtually always do my deleting while reviewing. Remember, the SOOP tells us what matters most: it does not mean “do all of activity #n first before doing activity #n+1″. It just means: “if in doubt, if there is a conflict (of interests), default to the higher priority activity — activity #n”. So if you’re doing reviews but you get bored by one or more cards, and you’re not sure what to do, then just start deleting and don’t even bother stop until you hit a card that makes you want to do reviews.

2. Review

• The second rule. Review cards. Do reps. It’s what we might call the most “normal”, “standard”, “vanilla” use of an SRS. Nothing much more to say here. Click. Show back. Set score. Next.

3. Add

• The third rule. If all else fails, add some new SRS cards. Add new cards. Why is this last? What the hockey puck is wrong with you, Khatzumoto? Surely, even you, up on your AJATT cloud, are aware that you can’t delete or review cards without having first added them? Yes, of course, that is true. Remember, the SOOP merely tells us precedence. It tells us what should precede what, what should go first, iff there is any question as to what to do. However, by definition, if there are no cards, then while “don’t add” (the zeroth rule) will work, the first and second rules will default down to this one. What matters is to know that if in doubt, adding cards is the least important thing you can do.

And we’re done. These are just random guidelines I came up with by myself. Yeah, I’m good-looking, but not omniscient. So I’d be happy to hear what you have to share, iff you’re good-looking as well.

Shallowly,

Khatzumoto

Just out of curiosity, does anyone have any examples of when they started to fall behind in something and they eventually caught up by making it more fun/changing their style? I’m not doubting that this is the way to go; it’s just that I’d like a concrete example.

Lately I’ve fallen behind with my sentence reps (whereas I have no problem maintaining an immersion environment)… I think the problem is that I’ve come to look at the reps as “work/studying” (whereas as anime is always “recreational”)… even after deleting a decent chunk of sentences, the problem seems to persist. I’m currently almost a week behind in reps, and still can’t motivate myself to get around to doing them. I’ve obviously been doing something wrong, but I can’t figure out what.

Here is my response:

@Maya

Just one idea here (I’m looking forward to hearing what everyone else has to say):

Delete even more.

Don’t go to your SRS to do reps any more.

Go to delete.

Go for deletions. Deletions are your new “target metric”. Delete until you hit a sentence that you give a crap about. Then delete until you hit the next one like that.

You’re probably overloaded with “should-learn” sentences — “shoulders“, like I was in Cantonese. Or maybe you have cool sentences, but they lack the punch they had when you entered them. Those are now “shoulders”, too.

Get rid of anything even remotely sucky. Delete. Delete. Delete. Don’t worry. You obviously don’t need them. You’ve been off the SRS a whole week, right? That’s a sign. A big, freaking sign.

Delete boring things from your SRS, otherwise they will “delete” you — they will “make” you never want to touch that SRS again.

Basically, Maya, you great discoverer of all things Disney and Japanese, you have two choices.

a) Delete bad sentences, however many there may be, so that you can do at least *some* SRSing.
b) Never SRS again for the rest of your life.

Right now, you’re on a collision course with (b).

Don’t get rid of the whole deck in one go. A lot of people do that. I personally think that’s ill-advised. Delete. One by one. There will be some leftover items — “keepers“. The keepers will be the seeds of a renewed deck, a deck of keepers (mostly), a deck that makes you actually want to do reps. The keepers will have a pattern to them — format, length, source, content, whatever — that will guide you in acquiring more keepers.

If you’ve got a really sucky deck, you could end up literally halving your cardcount — I once did. In the extreme, you could end up with only 10% of your original deck. No biggie. Let it go. Fuhgeddaboutit. Remember what’s at stake. Sentences are interchangeable. Motivation to learn is not.

Let me share some of my Japanese sentence deck stats for today with you, to give you a quantitative perspective on the whole thing:

• Repcount: 135
• Added: 2 cards
• Deleted: 100 cards.
• Total: ~235 cards processed, ~42% deleted.

135 reps and 100 deletions is infinitely better than 0 reps and 0 deletions. Now let’s extrapolate — assuming about the exact same daily performance over the course of one week, that comes to nearly 1000 reps and 700 deletions. 1000 to 0. That’s not 1000 times better, M-star. That’s  “even more infinitely better” than 0 reps and 0 deletions.  ∞:0 ratio.

So, go break some eggs and make that omelette .

We all have such noble intentions with our sentences. We all want to be good kids; we want to do the right thing; we want to eat everything that’s given us. But being an obedient doormat and being an effective learner are not, repeat, not the same thing.

Know your “rights”. The right to enjoyment (= the right to veto boredom) is one that school — my favorite scapegoat for everything — would tend to try to discourage you from exercising, so we often forget that we even have it; we equate exercising it with being “lazy”, unproductive, irresponsible. But now you know to say no to uninteresting sentences.

You can keep being liberal about what enters your SRS deck, just be liberal about what leaves it, as well. Garbage in, garbage out.

Written from painful and rather embarrassing-to-share experience,

Khatz

Epilogue

Through the magic of deletion, Maya has since turned SRSing from a chore, back into a game and now lives a full, happy, besentenced life . In her own words:

Thanks to everyone for their advice!

To sum things up, I’ve gone through my deck and deleted ~450 or so cards that were boring/unpleasant/so easy that they had become useless. I’m not quite done yet; I can still realistically see myself deleting another 50-200 cards, but I think I’m getting much closer now.

I’ve also decided to change the pace at which I add/learn sentences. When I started doing sentences, I wasn’t actually done with RTK; I was just impatient, and I figured that I could “pick up” the remaining kanji on the go. This never happened/isn’t likely to happen, and my incomplete knowledge of kanji is creating problems for me, so I want to go back and finish learning them properly. I’ll still add/learn sentences, but at a much slower rate (at least temporarily); I actually see this as a really good thing, because it will encourage me to only add a small quantity of really good sentences, instead of adding tons of nonsense, as I seem to have been doing the past while. Needless to say, my overall immersion environment won’t change.

Thanks to everyone for your advice/anecdotes/encouragement!

…

Today was my first day doing reps anew – I went through a hundred of ‘em in under half an hour. This definitely wouldn’t have been possible a couple weeks ago

Everything felt fresh and simple <3

Today’s transcript is from Gladiator. One of my favorite movies. I didn’t get round to seeing it until about 2005. Being a man of extensive huevos, I personally did not cry at the end, but, my…friend did. Anywhere, here’s the English and Japanese. Also, the Japanese audio of the speech.

Commodus: How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.

Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

コンモドゥス：「余に背を向けるのか？無礼者！兜を脱ぎ、名を名乗るのだ！」

マキシマス：「名はマキシマス＝デシマス＝メリディアス、
北軍の司令官、フェリキス軍団の将軍、
真の皇帝、マルクス＝アウレリウスの家臣。
殺された幼子の父、殺された妻の夫。
今生でなくば来世で（その）復讐を果たす。」

I like how the Japanese pronunciation (vowels, especially) is much closer to what we presume (?) Latin sounded like…well, the “Marcus Aurelius” part at least; Maximus’ name seems like it was modeling the English. Anyway, enjoy!

Today the objet of our adulation is that space-themed romantic comedy romp, Crimson Tide, starring Denzel Washington and Aragorn.

Gene Hackman’s Captain Ramsey gives that speech early on in the film before they board the U-boat. It’s one of my favorites, so I went ahead and transcribed it. Don’t ever say I never did nothing for the peoples!

Anyway, enjoy, and here’s the text of the original speech. Also, here’s a link to the Japanese audio for the little speech.

『全員整列致しました！

家鴨共よ！
露西亜でトラブルだ！
それで呼ばれた。
だから我々は行く（ﾕｸ）！
但し、最も凶悪な殺しのマシーンに乗って、だ。

その気に成れば、
戦争の歴史を塗り替える程の、強力な兵器を発射出来るのだ。
目的は唯一つ！祖国を護る為だ！
我々は国防の最前線に就き、
同時に最後の防衛線と成る。

諸君に望む事は、
最善の努力だ。
それが出来ない者は、空軍に入って貰いたい！
最高司令官は大統領であるが、
これは私の艦(ﾌﾈ)だ。
それに乗る以上は、私に従って貰いたい。
それが出来ない者は、ケツの辺りに刺激的な感覚を覚えるであろう。
私の蹴りが入るからだ！

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ミスター＝コッブ！

はい、艦長！

この艦(ﾌﾈ)の名前を知っておるか？

よく知って居ります！

それは誇り高い名前であるか？

誇り高い名前であります！

乗組員は優秀であるか？

極めて優秀であります！

偉大なる国に住む者か？

偉大なる国の者であります！

其処は世界に冠たる国であるか？

世界に冠たる国であります！

この艦(ﾌﾈ)の名は何だ？

「アラバマ」であります！

気合を入れろ！
行け(ｺﾞｰ)　「バマ」！

行け(ｺﾞｰ)　「バマ」！

艇長！　乗組員解散！

乗組員　解散！了解しました！
乗組員！これより解散して、銘々の部署に就く！
解散！』

As much as it pains me to admit fallibility, there are two words there’s a bit at the very end that I just couldn’t make out clearly. I think #1 is 「以上」 and #2 is…#2 I just have no freaking idea: it sounds like 「命令」, but that doesn’t seem like it would make much sense.

Anyone with a clearer idea…feel free to share .

[Big thanks to KREVA for totally wiping up my mess! I mean covering me!  I mean...yes!]. By way of more late-breaking news — it turns out there at least two other people online who’ve already transcribed this, so check them out here, and here.

I think maybe I’ll do the “you can’t handle the truth” exchange from A Few Good Men next…if I feel like it . Not feeling like it yet…

Anyhoo, that famous President’s speech is so cool, and the subs in the Japanese version are so unlike the dub (most likely made at different times, on different timelines, with different intentions, by different people), that I thought it fit to, since I can, transcribe the Japanese speech for you and put it up here.

Needless to say, all this is copyright 20th Century Fox or whoever, i.e. not me, so…if they want it down, it goes down . Just for kicks, here is a sound clip as well. If anyone whines about the quality, I josh you not, choking will occur .

This film’s got great pacing. I’d always thought it was 90 minutes long. It’s actually two and a half hours.

早う。
お早う！

一時間後には、
諸君は飛び立ち、
世界中の仲間と合流する。

そして人類始まって以來最大の空中戦に臨む事に成る。
然う、「人類」。
この言葉に今日、新しい意味を持たせよう。

これからは、些細な違い等にコダワって居ては行けない。
我々は共通の目的で団結する。

この日が、七月四日だというのも不思議な巡り合わせだ。
我々はもう一度独立の為に戦う。

敵が求める物は、弾圧や迫害ではない。
人類の滅亡だ。
生き殘る権利を賭けて戦おう。

必ず、勝利の旗を掲げ、
七月四日という日を、
単なるアメリカの独立記念日ではなくするのだ！

世界が声を揃えて宣言した日だ！

「我々は決して音無しく死の闇に消えたりはしない！

我々は決して戦わずして死にはしない！

皆で生きるのだ！

生き殘るのだ！

今日　我々の　独立記念日を祝おう！」

Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！
Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！
Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！

Enjoy. Go here for the original English text of the speech. And if you haven’t got your Japanese DVD yet, either visit your rental store or the AJATT Amazon store, or, or something!

_{※音無しい（おとなしい）is a non-standard — but not non-existent — kanji representation of 温和しい/大人しい. I like it because it reflects precisely what the President was saying in the original English: “We will not go quietly[=soundlessly] into the night!”, as you can see from the characters.}

Please take all this advice cum grano salis. Take it for what it is — one star (don’t say “yeah, a supernova”, really…just don’t) in a galaxy of information about reading. Everyone has their pet-techniques, and everyone’s situation is different to some degree. As a wise young woman on the Internets once said:

“no method will ever be 100% perfect for anyone except its creator.”

All of this, this entire site, is just my personal…thing, so…don’t take it too seriously. You definitely want to try, pick and choose what works and what doesn’t for you. My own methods are constantly evolving, so in a sense you could say I end up disagreeing with myself now and then. And, if I disagree with me sometimes, so should you . A few months from now, I may not even be using any of the techniques I’m about to share with you. So, keep that in mind .

Why did I get into this reading technique thing anyway?

Well, It’s complicated. But only slightly so. Basically, I had two different sets of reading problems with (1) native-level languages, and (2) sucky-level languages. These two problem sets ended up being fixed with the same solution. And that’s what makes this article-series seem complicated: I’m really attempting to discuss two things at the same time. Confusing, I know. I’m a cruel, inconsiderate man — get used to it.

One thing common to both sets of problems is that, despite continuing efforts, electronic books are yet to reach the level of availability, let alone convenience, to allow one to go “all electronic”. My ultimate goal is 100% digitization, which would render a lot of this book-handling business obsolete.

Anyway, here are some issues that were unique to each set of problems:

Problem Set 1: Native-Level Languages

• Too many books in possession — major life decisions are starting to be made around the welfare of the books that are supposed to be getting read or re-read at some point, but aren’t.
  • Books are getting “lost in the sea”, hidden under and behind other books.
• Reading a bit, but wanting to read much more, and also suck the most value out of each book.
• A lot of good half-read books that warrant more reading (full of potentially good information), but that have been side-tracked by other books.
• Forgetting the content of fully-read books, leading to a desire to keep books “for future reference/re-reading”, even though there are already…too many books in the house, and the world.
  • I especially had the desire to have the content of personal development books more readily available in my head, in my life, where it could more readily affect my behavior. This basically lead me to start SRSing quotes. More on that later…
• Guilt about skipping pages.

Problem Set 2: Sucky-Level Languages

• Have books, keep getting more, but not reading any of them because the reading is too painful
• Too many stops (“better SRS this; no pain no gain, be arch”).
• Too much guilt about skipping.
• Trying to catch everything and getting bored/tired out.

Two different sets of reading problems united by a single solution. Hence, the Unified Reading Process.

URP: The Unified Reading Process

The unified reading process (this sounds so…Proctor & Gamble…I love it) I currently use for each book is:

1. Buy
2. Read & Dog-ear
3. Stack
4. Un-dog-ear & Enter quotes into SRS
5. Either:

• (a) Discard (give away, resell) || OR ||
• (b) Keep & Reprocess from step (2)

In the case of native-level languages, I tend to discard — i.e. give away to friends or resell. In the case of sucky-level languages, I tend to keep and reprocess. This has less to do with the languages themselves, and more with the fact that the very nature of things means that the more proficient one is at a given language the more likely one is to have a surplus of books in it.

The key to discarding is to not force yourself to instantly make a permanent decision (while still retaining that defining characteristic of real decisions: clarity). Instead, split the decision into two clear, instant parts. In my case, I have a temporary “to discard” box with a deadline on it. Once the deadline is reached or the box becomes full, then the permanent discarding happens. So a book could be waiting there in the temporary bin for a month or more. Plenty of time to reconsider any decision.

Anyway, as you can see, it’s a really simple process. Here are just some of the benefits:

• Books are always more or less in a clear state: Unread, In-process, or Read. This leads to less ambiguity, and therefore easier management.
• Books turn into pieces of clearly memorized knowledge rather than just space-consuming things that are “good to have”, or things that you read once and kind of remember, but need to read again to “brush up”.
• You get to do a lot of reading without the long-term burden of physically owning/moving/storing a lot of books.

Low Conversion, Revisited (skip this part if you want)

At the risk of repeating myself, the keyphrase throughout the process is low conversion. By “conversion”, I mean the fraction of the book in question that gets:

1. Read closely, and/or
2. Converted into SRS cards.

Only a fraction of the pages of a book get read closely, in detail. Only a fraction of these pages get dog-eared. Only a fraction of the content of a fraction of the dog-eared pages gets entered into the SRS. Fraction. Fraction. Fraction.

No matter how much you own or suck at the language, conversion is low by nature. In fact, ironically enough, the more you suck at a language, the lower your conversion will probably be (for one thing, there’s only so much you’ll be able to read well…and then there’s the other extreme, where your conversion goes low because you already have so much prior knowledge). You see, conversion takes work. And there is only so much work that you can do. Far less than you wish you could. But that’s okay, because humans are smart; you could argue that we’re built to be lazy and low-conversion.

Even people who intend to have high conversion end up with low conversion. In fact, the more pressure you put on yourself to convert, the more likely you are to (eventually, unconsciously) rebel and end up with 0% conversion. Zero conversion is fine if the book sucked that much, but it’s not so fine when the book is otherwise good — well-written, and about a topic you’re interested in.

The way to deal with sucky books is simple — throw them away as soon as the suck is clear; get rid of them. My problem was that I was having trouble approaching the books I liked, books I had chosen, books I knew were good; I wasn’t even picking them up any more. And the root of the problem was my attempt to have high conversion.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now. But the series continues!

Next Article: Why SRS Personal Development Books?

Wherein are discussed the reasons for and benefits of subjecting personal development books to the Unified Reading Process.

As with everything on this site, the advice here is just based on my personal experience. I’m not an expert. Take what works, leave what doesn’t — the overall principles matter more than the minutiae of technique. Your mileage may vary and all that (then again, I am quite confident that it won’t vary by that much — otherwise I wouldn’t be writing it, eh lads, eh?).

Also, an interesting thing happened. While I originally intended this advice to be specifically directed towards languages we suck at (i.e. early- and mid-stage foreign languages), I soon found that it applied just as well to reading languages where we have native-level skill. Yay!

Anyway, first, a little bit about:

The Sucky Way We Read

By “how we read”, I mean “how we are taught to read in school”. Fortunately for me, growing up, I did a lot (indeed, most) of my reading entirely outside of the school framework, so for a long time I wasn’t “infected” as much by the school disease — at the very least, I was asymptomatic for many years.

But over time, it did get to me as well. So much so that I had to reach back into my childhood and reflect on what I had been doing outside of school, why it was so much fun, and why it worked so well, in order to get my then-stalled reading habits back on track _{(in the early years of my adult life, I went through a stage where I was basically not doing any reading, despite having a strong desire to read and a history of reading)}.

The style of reading that is typically taught and/or encouraged in school is all about:

• Hitting every single word.
• No change of pace or shifting gears.
• No skipping unless teacher says so. Any self-directed skipping is “cheating”, and is to be punctuated by feelings of guilt and remorse (aren’t these, like, synonyms?).
• Zero or severely limited choice in terms of start time, stop time and duration.
• Zero or severely limited in terms of reading material, with no option to change after initial choice.
• The order in which the book is written and presented is the One, True and Only Correct Order. You have no right to permute it or ignore it. You earn the right to read page p+1 only after perfectly reading page p.

It’s no wonder that so many adults never pick up another real book once they leave school. If you’d never ever been allowed to set or change the channel on your TV, and never been taught that you even had the right or ability to make such a judgment call, then you’d probably hate TV, too — no matter how many “TV-worms” (think: bookworm) told you that TV was the shizzle and that there were tons of great channels and shows out there.

The above is a style of reading that is, on the surface, well -suited to an early-stage student. After all, does someone who can barely read or who barely knows the subject matter at hand, really have the ability to decide where and what to skip? (Actually my answer to that is “yes”, but, school’s answer tends to be a resounding “no”).

Why How We Read Sucks

My guess is that the core reason why this reading style came about in the first place is because, at one time, in many parts of the world, there simply weren’t that many books, period. So, reading one book a year was fine, since you only owned one book and maybe had access to a few more. Oftentimes, the books in question were these massive, dense, metaphor-laden sacred texts, which probably do lend themselves to a special style of reading _{(then again, judging by how few people of any religious persuasion actually read sacred texts, perhaps these too could benefit from techniques like those I’m intending to share).}

Of course, things have changed. A lot. At least in terms of the number of books available. But in most schools and classes, the reign of tyranny of a single source of information continues. Moreover, the semi-compulsive behavior of reading (or, attempting to read) every-single-word-on-every-single-page-so-you-get-exactly-what-was-said-and-don’t-miss-a-single-thing is exacerbated by the earnest student’s fear of “missing” something that might be “on the test”. In fact, many tests are designed to reward this one-tree-matters-more-than-the-entire-forest type of reading.

There’s just no sense of priority; everything becomes equally important. It’s as if the Pareto Principle never existed. Indeed, some people might argue that that was the point: it is said that most school systems in the world today are based on a design that aims to produce compliant, docile factory workers — people who unquestioningly obey pre-made decisions, not people who make them. Those who go on to be managers get let in on the secret that most decisions are arbitrary, but people lower down on the ladder are to be left in the dark, believing that the pre-made decisions are absolute, based on the perfect or near-perfect knowledge of their elders and betters (“experts”, “superiors”), and carrying all the weight of divine decree.

OK, social engineering, blah blah whatever. Let’s not get too worked up. The deeper problem is that to force yourself to read everything is to force yourself out of your growth/true-comfort zone and into either your boredom zone or your panic zone (both of which are places where you are just going to…wait for the pun…”zone out”).

This leads to stress. Stress makes you forgetful: short-term memory gets pwned. No short term memory → no long-term memory. No long-term memory → no learning new information. No new information → less intelligent choices, far less brilliant flashes of insight. Less intelligent choices → more stupid choices. In short, the way school typically teaches us to read, makes us stupid. As in, Republican Gilmore Girls the end of Prison Break running out of cheap jokes stupid. The phrase “dumbing down” starts to take on a whole new meaning..

And now that we’re done complaining and making sweeping judgments and dubious historical references, it’s time to talk about how to fix the problem! But for that, dear children of the AJATT, ye shall have to wait for the very forthcoming sequel to this article — part deux! Wherein shall be demonstrated reading techniques that can help you have more fun reading any language, including Japanese.

Hey Khatz,

Your method when applied to languages like Chinese and Japanese makes perfect sense but I am trying to learn Korean and Finnish.

My problem is with Finnish. A Finnish word can have up to 14 cases so do I need to make a sentence for each case?  If done that way, it seems like I could make it to 10,000 sentences quite easily, but the 10,000 wouldn’t be the same as say 10,000 in Japanese/Korean/Chinese.

Appreciate the feedback.

OK, first of all, I have a secret ^{(the secret, the secret)} to tell you. Come closer. Closer. ‘K, here we go:

There are no cases in Finnish.^*

Just make whatever sentences you need to make as things come out of your immersion environment. Just treat everything as if it were a different word. Focus on the difference in *meaning*, since that’s what actually counts.

Think about it in English — fundamentally, the difference between “I go to school” and “I went to school” isn’t one of tenses of the verb “to go” or whatever…the two words, “go” and “went”…the two sentences actually have different meanings. In theory, they are mutations of the same word. In practice, they are different words. “He eats the food”, “he ate the food” — these things are different.

Looked at this way, grammatical inflection ceases to be a burden, and instead becomes a tool for expressing oneself more precisely. You go from “Effing sonofa I have to learn all this effing mothereffing B.S.” to “SWEET! I can tell people what I will have done if I were to have been X; the future really is perfect!”.

So don’t think of the depth of variation of a single word. Pretend everything is flat. Treat everything as its own, independent word. Sometimes, it’s just easier this way. In practice, this does mean that every case will eventually be represented in your SRS, but not that you’ll necessarily have to decline or conjugate every single word that inflects — you are after all a human being; you know a pattern when you see it; you don’t need everything declared; you’re a gap-filling, pattern-matching machine. Do as much as you need to “get it”, and no more.

As for number of sentences, I doubt more than 10k will be necessary to reach a high level of proficiency. Remember that the sentences are just a tool/by-product for and of massive exposure to native materials.

For more, check out AntiMoon.com — Tomasz and the crew wrote about learning English, which is closer to what you’re trying to do in terms of certain language features.

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually tried to learn Finnish, but if I were to, this is exactly how I would do it. Starting with a phrasebook, I would just accept the sentences “as is”, and let the patterns present themselves to me over time. In any case the key is always to realize this: learning a language does not require pain, boredom or suffering.

^{_{*OK, maybe there are, but only because and as long as people keep saying so. They’re a theoretical construct that’s generally useful for analysis, and generally worth crap-all for praxis.}}

Hey Khatz,

I’m currently using my SRS to practice sentences, but I’m having trouble keeping up with the workload. In your recommendations you say you should be able to write (copy out) each sentence.

Do you recommend copying out the sentence every time it shows up in your SRS? Or just the first time, or every time you miss it? Whats your stance on this. I’d be interested to know because at about 1 minute per card writing everything out, I tend to burn out pretty fast. Sorry if you’ve answered this somewhere on your site already, I couldn’t find it if you have.

Thanks for your time,

J.R.

Great question. I’d been meaning to address this at some point . This is of course all assuming you’re doing the “classic”/”original”/”vanilla”/”recognition”-type sentences, where you are to read aloud and understand a sentence written in actual Japanese. For Japanese, I continue to use this type of sentence card myself because it’s so time-cheap. Anyway, to the point:

Writing out the sentence (or some part of it, e.g. the part you got wrong) each time you miss it is enough*. In fact, it’s ideal, I think. It’s the perfect balance between thinking (“which ones should I write?”) and effort (“I need to sit up with pen and paper and write this shizzle!”) and gain (“I know stuff!”).

Indeed, you may often find, as I do, that there is a strong correlation between ability to write out the sentence and ability to read it correctly. There may always be things you can read but not write, but there will be few/none that you can write but not read. For whatever reason or reasons, the act of writing out the parts you get wrong will impress them upon your memory a lot more than merely seeing them. Maybe it’s because the writing out forces you to focus a bit.

Anyway, have fun. If anyone else has tips for J.R., feel free to share .

_{*N.B.: Just so we’re clear, this post is about sentences. For kanji, you’re going to want to write everythaang out.}

Transcribed all of 攻殼機動隊/Ghost in the Shell (GITS)! That’s right! All the movies [except Solid State Society] and of course all episodes of Stand Alone Complex. The dialog, baby. All of it. In Japanese! Exactly as spoken on-screen.

Those who have looked will know that Japanese/East Asian movies and TV shows that have same-language subs at all, let alone subs that exactly match dialog, are a rare and precious thing indeed. Like, I bet you’ll practically watch a mediocre show just because it has subs (depending on the language, I know I would). Some of the reasons for this are pretty decently summed up here.

GITS notably has no Japanese subs on any of its present DVD releases, despite easily being one of the densest, most literary (is that even the right word?) programs of any kind ever made. Japanese subs for GITS would have been nice. But, whatever, now we have this website — with copy-and-pastable text to boot! W00t.

So, yeah, enjoy. By the way, I would definitely recommend this kind of thing for sentence-picking. And if any of you are inclined to make sentence packs or SRS files for people, this kind of thing, i.e. Japanese by and for native speakers, would IMHO be the best for, like, the health of the world, and in terms of source material [since, as we all know, material made for learners often tends to be some combination of boring and unrealistic].

As an aside, let it also be noted that Ghibli’s 物の怪姫/Princess Mononoke also has exact subs on its Japanese DVD release. Just FYI.

And we’re done! Enjoy!

• Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG on YouTube.
• Script thereof

Look up definitions of words you already know.

You heard me.

LOOK

UP

WORDS

YOU

ALREADY

KNOW

In Japanese, that would be super, duper, uber, simple, kantan, remedial words. I refer to:

• 此処(here)
• 食べる(eat)
• 飲む(drink)
• 男(man)
• 女(woman)
• 行く(to go)
• 来る(to come)
• 大きい(big)
• 小さい(small)
• お前(you)
• の(“of”)
• ママ(Mama)
• は ([topic marker])
• 氈鹿(goat antelope) — what, you didn’t know this one?
• だ(is)
• よ([emphasis marker])
• ええっ？(huh?)
• 何？(what?)
• 殺す(kill)
• ぞ([emphasis marker])
• この(this)
• 野郎(rascal)

I think you get the message. So, all you cats worrying about “goin’ monolingual”, start with words you already know. No chance of misunderstanding there, right? Right. Good. End transmission.

I have misled you.

In some of my SRS item examples, I have shown some reeeeeeeearry long sentences.

Wait, hold on, Kung Fu Hustle is on, and its the final fight against the Axe Gang and the frog guy. BRB…

…I love when he kicks the guys and it makes a bell-ringing sound…

K, I’m back. Yeah, so it’s all my fault. Part of it has to do with the fact that Japanese has the structural power to handle the creation of very long sentences. Since it doesn’t require the repetition and restatement of pronouns (what one might call “subjects” in English), it can create multiple, clause-length modifiers for a single “subject”, without confusing the reader. Or something like that, I dunno — I read this in a book about Japanese (a Japanese one, of course).

So, like, at some level, I thought it would be good for me to put long sentences in the SRS. Also, I probably wanted to show off that I could handle it, you know, prove how leet I was — I don’t like doing this as much as it may seem, but this is a website about how you can get reeeeeeeearry good at Japanese, so some amount of “demonstration” is probably a necessity.

Anyway, I was wrong.

Shorter Items

SRS sentence items. Yes they should be sentences, but you must kiss. That’s right, make out more. Get the tongue in there and…NO! I mean KISS: Keep It Short and Sweet. Sentences, yes; books, no. Break up long sentences if you must, I find that commas, pronouns, and particles/prepositions generally represent a good breaking point. If there is no clean, natural breaking point, then perhaps just break by length. Either way, you may or may not want to use ellipsis marks (…, ・・・) to mark your break. You might also consider incuding the original, full-length sentence in the answer section, for reference.

Right now (June 2008), I have an absolute hard upper limit of 10 characters on my Chinese sentence items, with most items being 6-8 characters long. It’s a bit more fluid for Japanese, but a hard upper limit 30 characters (kanji-kana mix), with most items being 10-15 characters long, seems about right. Earlier in your journey, you might want to go for even shorter Japanese sentences, in the 5-10 character range.

Remember: a long sentence is nothing but a bunch of short sentences stuck together. And even if a sentence looks simple, sometimes you need to make it even simpler for yourself.

Here are some examples, mostly from Momoko (source sentence and resultant sentence only shown):

• Source Sentence: 「マハティールとアブドラの対立は激しさを増し、マハティールは５月１９日、自分が３０年かけて作ってきたＵＭＮＯを脱退し「アブドラが辞めないかぎり復党しない」と捨てぜりふを発した。」
• Resultant Sentence:「捨てぜりふを発した。」
• Quoted From: Tanaka News, 国父の深謀

• Source Sentence: 「中村によると、我々の現代社会は『準備社会』だ。」
• Resultant Sentence:「現代社会は『準備社会』だ。」
• Quoted From: スロー・イズ・ビューティフル―遅さとしての文化

• Source Sentence: 『「もう、今を犠牲にするのはやめよう」という彼らの感覚は、必ずしも「今さえ良ければそれでイイ」という投げ槍な刹那主義と同じではない筈だ』
• Resultant Sentence:「必ずしも・・・投げ槍な刹那主義と同じではない」
• Quoted From: スロー・イズ・ビューティフル―遅さとしての文化

• Source Sentence: 「 21世紀初期，先進機械人的發展步伐越來越快，其中日本更是機械人科技的領導者。」
• Resultant Sentence:「先進機械人的發展步伐・・・」
• Resultant Sentence:「發展步伐越來越快」
• Resultant Sentence:「其中日本更是・・・領導者。」
• Quoted From: 2077日本鎖國

• Source Sentence:「アンパンマンが島に下りて見ると、岩の割れ目の中から泣き声が聞こえて来ます」
• Resultant Sentence:「アンパンマンが島に下りて見る」
• Resultant Sentence:「泣き声が聞こえて来ます」
• Quoted From: アンパンマンとあおばひめ

Delete (or Edit)

Sucky sentence items. They’re different for everyone. But everyone has them. You’ll know them when you see them. You’ll feel it. The dread. I see you looking at that sentence item. Yeah, you struggled to find it. Yeah, you entered it. Yeah, it seems important to know. But you know what? You’ve gone your entire life up to now not knowing that sentence; if it really matters, it’ll come up again. Right now, all it’s doing is sucking up your time and energy. Remember, you want to get QUANTITY of repetitions here. An item that’s sucky is a weed — feeding off the nutrients intended for all the other sentences. Delete it. Edit it if you really feel like it. But if editing feels like a waste of time, and for me it often does, then deletion is definitely the way to go.

Think of deletion as pruning or weeding — cleaning out a minority of overly burdensome items so that the majority can flourish. With sentence items, utilitarianism really works: the greatest good for the greatest number.

Length is not the only reason to delete a sentence item. Sentence items you just don’t quite “get”, or that you’re afraid might be wrong or awkward, also make good candidates for deletion.

This is Supposed to be Fun

Remember, sentences is not S&M. If it hurts, then it’s bad. No means no. Doing sentences should be like…popping bubblewrap. Requiring conscious effort, while being relatively easy and SUPER satisfying. Not to mention begging for repetition in an almost addictive way (addiction’s not the problem — it’s the object of addiction that matters). Doing sentences should make you feel like doing other sentences. If it doesn’t, then be aware that the fault probably lies neither with you nor with the language in question, but in individual items causing you dread. Get rid of them like you did your ’80s clothes.

I was looking at this sentence:

【明報專訊】美國電影協會大中華區營運總監何偉雄透露，本港點對點（BT）下載猖獗，單是該會2004年便發現有2400宗本港用戶在互聯網上傳送盜版電影的個案，較03年的107宗激增21倍，但他相信這只是侵權問題的冰山一角，因估計全球現時每日有60萬個電影侵權檔案在網上流傳，粗略估計每日損失逾3000萬元。

It’s huge. So I decided to break it up more or less into clauses along comma breaks. So I pick the first clause:

美國電影協會大中華區營運總監何偉雄透露，本港點對點（BT）下載猖獗

But I was still lost; I didn’t yet understand this sentence, nor did I get the clause (“yet” being the operative word). I decided to skip it for now; after a few days or weeks or months of practice, I’ll be ready for it; I may not come back to this exact sentence, but some sentence like it will certainly come up, and when it does, I’ll be ready.

Nevertheless, skipping doesn’t automatically mean nothing concrete can be learned — I can still pick up the two words (in this clause) whose readings I didn’t know or was otherwise unsure about. Those would be:

• chāngjué【猖獗】
• tòulù【透露】

I go find these dictionary entries for them, complete with example sentences:

tòulù【透露】
（秘密などを）漏らす,漏れる;（意志・表情などを）現す,現れる．
¶～風聲/消息を漏らす．
¶秘密mìmì～出去了/秘密が漏れた．
¶她臉上～出一絲悲傷bēishāng/彼女の顔にかすかな悲しみの色が現れた．
¶事件的真相～出來了/事件の真相が明らかになった．
¶把這個情況故意gùyì～給某mǒu報社/この情報をわざと某新聞社に漏らす
【関連】liúlù【流露】

chāngjué【猖獗】
（１）はびこる．猛威をふるう．
¶流行病～/流行病が猛威をふるう．
¶這個地區過去風沙fēngshā～/この地區は以前,砂嵐の荒れ狂うところだった．
（２）〈書〉倒れる．傾き倒れる．

In the definition for chāngjué【猖獗】, it turns out I’m not particularly familiar with the Japanese phrase “猛威をふるう”. I can basically tell what it means, but I want more context — a clearer understanding — so I Google “猛威をふるう” and find some sentences [from reliable sources such as online versions of reputable magazines, reputable sites and the like] that use it. These I add into my SRS, like so:

QUESTION:

「2006年末は電話スパムが猛威を振るう」

ANSWER:

もうい【猛威】〔病気や風などの〕激しい威力｡すさまじい勢い｡

ふる･う【振るう】《他動詞五段活用》
②それが中に含み持っている力を外に出して盛んに働きかける｡十分に､また盛んに､その力を発揮する｡大いに駆使する｡｢熱弁を振るう｣
《参考》｢揮う｣とも書く｡

QUESTION:

マイクロソフト、猛威を振るうワームの駆除ツールを提供◆

ANSWER:

もうい【猛威】〔病気や風などの〕激しい威力｡すさまじい勢い｡

ふる･う【振るう】《他動詞五段活用》
②それが中に含み持っている力を外に出して盛んに働きかける｡十分に､また盛んに､その力を発揮する｡大いに駆使する｡｢熱弁を振るう｣
《参考》｢揮う｣とも書く｡

Now, after adding and clarifying the Japanese that needed clarifying, I’m finally ready to add the Chinese sentences. I won’t show them all, just a couple of examples. Here goes:

QUESTION:

這個地區過去風沙猖獗◆

ANSWER:

liu2xing2bing4 chang1jue2 ◆
流行病が猛威を振るう。

chāngjué【猖獗】
（１）はびこる．猛威をふるう．

もうい【猛威】〔病気や風などの〕激しい威力｡すさまじい勢い｡

ふる･う【振るう】《他動詞五段活用》
②それが中に含み持っている力を外に出して盛んに働きかける｡十分に､また盛んに､その力を発揮する｡大いに駆使する｡｢熱弁を振るう｣
《参考》｢揮う｣とも書く｡

QUESTION:

這個地區過去風沙猖獗◆

ANSWER:

zhe4ge0 di4qu1 guo4qu4 feng1sha1 chang1jue2 ◆
この地區は以前、砂嵐の荒れ狂うところだった。

chāngjué【猖獗】
（１）はびこる．猛威をふるう．

あれくる･う【荒れ狂う】《自動詞五段活用》
★②波･風などがひどく激しくなる｡｢荒れ狂う波｣

So there you have it. I’m always working to expand my knowledge, but only ever by one small step — one small quantum — at a time. Never too much, never too big a jump.

As you can see from this example, learning Chinese by laddering through Japanese offers a lot of opportunity to improve proficiency in both languages. [Although, I still think it's better to use the target language as its own base language...laddering is my little experiment in doing two things at the same time].

FYI, I didn’t bother with the rest of the original long sentence. Although suddenly it looks much more do-able now than it did earlier…

Anyway, it sounds like good fun for all you drama lovers out there. By the way, I think other TV dramas also have book-form scripts/screenplays. However, you should be careful to actually confirm the contents before you buy these, since I noticed that the book-forms of, at least, American dramas like Prison Break and 24 are more like novelizations (less strict on rendering character dialogue exactly as it was said in the show) than scripts.

I can’t believe it took me this long to find out about stuff like this…

By the way, the collective name for these is シナリオ本(ぼん） — “scenario books”.

[New information: w00t! You don't have to buy the book! Many TV drama scripts are available online here. Here's the Tiger & Dragon one! [all main episodes...no prequel in sight, though...]

You’ve got to paradigm-shift! Diversify, optimize, realize! OK, now I’m just being silly.