Someone died and made me king, prince and dictator-for-life of all gaijin. As my first responsibility, I have 12 tips for gaijin…

-1. Yes, I have changed a lot of my opinions here. I was wrong. I was bringing a lot of baggage and history from west of Japan. None of that belongs here; it is completely out of context. You need to…

0. Leave your politics at home. Japan is neither the post bellum southern United States nor contemporary eastern Germany. When something you don’t understand happens, and you feel a gnawing suspicion of racism, seek first to understand. Case in point: Japanese people kept asking me whether I could speak or read Japanese. And it annoyed the heck out of me, “what the questioning my literacy are you doing?”, I thought. It turned out they were just being nice, trying to look out for a brother, because too many stupid gaijin have come here with nothing but a shaky grasp of hiragana to their name and proceeded to fumblingly live here in ignorance for years on end and I’m not bitter. Three weeks ago [at the time of writing] I was in Korea, and I didn’t know Korean, and I was more grreeeeeatful than Tony the Tiger for people who could speak English. I know hangul now, so next time I won’t be a total noob. Speaking of gaijin…

1. That’s right. “Gaijin”. It’s not a racial slur. Get it out of your head that it is. It means “outside person”. You are an outside person. It’s OK; it’s not an insult. Gaijin, gaijin, gaijin, gaijin. Yes, I know it sounds like 怪人 and 害人, just get over it. What, you think putting a “國” in the middle will make the world better?

2. Learn Japanese. For crying out loud, what the front were you thinking coming to a country without knowing its language? Who do you think you are? If you’re going to live here, learn the language. And for crying-out-loud learn to read. It is not OK to be illiterate. I don’t care how many “kanjis” there are — find a freaking way: illiteracy is illiteracy is illiteracy. Do not ever expect to be treated like a full, adult member of society without such a basic skill. Yes, it’s like being a child again. Humble yourself…better yet, enjoy the journey, if you actually just plug in, it doesn’t take that long.

3. If you don’t like it…uh, leave. Were you brought here naked and beaten on a shipful of strangers under duress? Are you being held against your will? If it sucks so much here, go home — you know, where they speak your precious language and eat three square meals of fat every day…

4. If and when the cops stop you…why not ask them WHY they’re stopping you? Ask them if they don’t like gaijin. Give them a candy (I mean it), tell them to sit down (I mean it), and talk this thing out. What’s that, you don’t know Japanese? Go back to step 2. Pig…Policemen are problematic in every country in the world.

5. Leave the country. Not forever. Just for a break. Go back to your country or better yet to another foreign country. It’ll clear your vision like nothing else. Then come back to 日出国 refreshed and with a more lucid perspective.

6. Stay away from foreigners. No, poor word choice. Just, avoid clumping with foreigners…Still poor word choice. OK, here: go make Japanese friends! Hello? In step 2 you learned Japanese, right? Now go use it with people who speak it, champ — that’s what it’s for. Japanese is for communicating with Japanese people…other than your girlfriends…此れ下さい and 有難う do not count.

You see, the problem is that…Japanese people are often shy and quiet compared to other peoples of the world. And so this allows a lot of gaijeen far too much space to “fill in the blanks” and project what they think Japanese people are thinking. Which is dangerous because they’re filling in the blanks wrong. Let me give you an analogy — talking to gaijin trying to figure out how Japanese people are thinking is kind of like when guys try to get woman-advice from other guys, or women try to take man-advice from other women. Guys, you’ve all read Cosmopolitan once or twice, I’m sure. And I’m sure you found that stuff was whack. Stop being led in the dark by other blind people. You need to…

7. Ask Japanese people. If you have a problem *ask*. If you don’t know something, *ask*. People are dying to tell you; they think you’re the most handsome, beautiful, good-looking, desirable, attractive glass of something in the room (see  step 1) — go google “外人” right now, dude, whether you are man or woman you will find that people want to bed-you-right-now-to-day ベッドイン today! Japanese people L-O-V-E foreigners, even the people that don’t like foreginers L-O-V-E foreigners; they want YOUR GAIGENES IN THE CELLS OF THEIR BABIES! They want dark skin and “high noses” and rhythm and brown, curly hair! They want your gaijin ideas in their companies! They want your gaijin language skills spewed all over the text they read. They want your gaijin face on TV. They want your gaijin voice in their music. Refer to step 2.

8. “Wah, waah, waah. I’m gaijin and Japanese people don’t accept me”. Oh yeah, I forgot about the warm reception and full, unconditional societal inclusion that Japanese people receive in your country. There are fourth- fifth- and sixth-generation Japanese-Americans right now being asked “how did you learn English so well?” in their own country. Those slant-eye jokes are funny *any* day of the week, and those concentration camps were practically resorts, those families had a ball. Dehud, we get to use health insurance here, are you kidding me?

9. Tokyo people are not Japanese people. OK, they are, but they’re special. Tokyo is (1) a very big city, in (2) a first-world country. That means people are going to be colder than Queen Elizabeth on a Wednesday morning in northern Scotland with no shirt on; I’m not saying I have evidence that she does that, I’m just saying that my friend’s friend saw her and…Anyway, that’s what cities and first-world countries do — make people frigid. A trainful of lonely people. Weird, huh? If you’re from a more “agrarian” country, like me, this may come as a shock. Chill…Japanese people don’t hate you. They’re just far too busy and stressed out from working 37-hour days, to even put a smile on their face. That’s where you come in.

10. Stay the heck away from Tokyo (the London of Japan). If you live there, start looking for a home elsewhere. Saitama and Chiba do not necessarily count. You need to be at least 60 train minutes away from Tokyo should you ever wish to know happiness. I’m not saying Tokyo’s bad. I’m just saying it’s dirty and smelly and overpriced. I have good friends you actually like squalor, odor and high prices, so they Tokyo it up all the time.

In closing, Japan may not be perfect. But it’s pretty durn close. We all came here of our own free will with anime sparkling in our eyes…(except for some Koreans during let’s just say “the first half of the 20th century”). Anyway, we all came and remain here of our own free will. It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing everything that’s not right and how no one’s reaching out to us  and letting us “fit in”. But let’s ask ourselves this: how much have we done? How much are we really trying? How much have we reached out? What are we contributing to Japanese society — what have we given? And if something is wrong, have we tried to go and tell someone? Have we asked a Japanese person? Or did we just run and whine about it to other gaijin at a gaijin party in a gaijin establishment using our gaijin language while eating gaijin food? [Cue poignant ending] I know what my answer to all those questions is. What’s yours?…[pregnant silence...]

BTW for anyone who has dry/”ashy” skin — have you ever tried using olive oil on your skin instead of store-bought lotion? Dewd…it’s the wiping bum with silk feeling all over again…mmm…Olive oil + skin = win.

I’m serious.

いつも通りのネットサーフィン（おググり）がてらに、「まったり冗長」っていうブログにてこの記事を。ブログ全体は文体も内容も個性的で面黒いから、是非ご覧あれ。

漢字ヲタでもある拙者に刺激を与えて呉れる内容ばかり。特にこれ：

『むしろＮ○Ｋが「洪水」をテロップで
「こう水」と表記したりしてる方がよっぽど問題かと。全然難しくねぇだろ。』

ドカーーーーーン！大同感！！

阿呆かっ、NHK？！（然様、俺は堂々と名前を申すゾ！）やっぱ阿呆だナァ。なんか、「昆虫」を「こん虫」、「寡夫」を「か夫」、「改竄」を「改ざん」、「哺乳類」を「ほ乳類」などと表記しやがて、「っざっけんなよ！」と申させる場面が多い。NHKって、イイ所（例を挙げれば：「サラリーマンNEO」）もあれば、とんでもなく阿呆らしい所も無きにしも非ず。まあ、NHKというより文部科学省かも知れんが。おっと、政府批判しちゃった。

「でも『改竄』が難しいよ！」とかホザく方もいらっしゃるでしょうが、拙者が存じるに、いわゆる「難しさ」は、使用を忌避する原因ではなく、寧ろその結果なんだ。使ったら人に覚えられる。使わないと死語（死字）になる。だからGHQみたいに日本国民を蔑まずドンドン漢字使えっつーの！ってか、ホンマに字が難しいと判断したら振り仮名でも振ったら、振り仮名？

それじゃ、短い内容でスイマシェン（ていうか、済むけど（笑））。また今度ね！

ええー。何だっけ・・・ご存知かと存じますが、拙者アニメが大好きで御座る。「カウボーイ＝ビーバップ」、「攻殻機動隊」、「フリクリ」、「サムライ＝チャンプルー」、アニヲタなら誰でも認める奴。んで、ネットサーフィンがてら、平和呆けっていうブログにて「アメリカで人気のアニメ」の記事を発見拝読。元はと言えば、2007年のアメリカンアニメアワード[グ]とかいう賞。記事自体が最終候補一覧を転載したモノにしか過ぎないけれど、コメントの方は爆笑を誘う。典型的な掲示板論争じゃが、その漫才っぽい掛け合いは先ず面黒い。以下、その内容を引用します。調子に乗って（一部の読者の参考の便を図って？）翻訳まで付けちゃった。4649ね！

• 「おねがいティーチャーはどうした 」/ What happened to Onegai Teacher?
• 「海外でのナルト人気は異常」/ How come Naruto is popular overseas (outside Japan)?
• 「 なんでプラネテスが入ってねーんだよ。アメ公はやっぱ見る目ないな ！」/ Why isn’t Planetess on the list?　Those Yanks have no taste!
• 「 日本で同じような投票をやったとしてもベスト5にプラネテスが入るとは思えない。 」/ Dude, if the same poll were conducted in Japan, your precious Planetess still wouldn’t be on the list.
• 「攻殻もないな」/ They left out GITS!!
• 「入ってもおかしくないのにね。」/ Yeah!
• 「暴力描写。メリケンは単純」/ Violence. Stupid, stupid, stupid, retarded, stupid gringos.
• 「米人はアニメのこと何にも分かっちゃいないな 。なんでゼロの使い魔が入ってないんだよ」/ Those gringos don’t know their anime, man. Why isn’t The Familiar of Zero on the list?
• 「 アメリカで日本アニメの賞を選出するとか、ちょっと違和感を感じるな。日本でメジャーリーグのMVPを選出するような感じ 」/ It strikes me as somewhat odd to have a Japanese anime award being given in the US. It’s kind of like giving a US major league baseball MVP award in Japan.
• 「日本でアメリカのアニメを選んでみるか」 / Well, try giving an award for American anime in Japan.
• 「サウスパークかパワパフくらいしか…… 」/ Yeah, all they have is South Park and Powerpuff Girls.
• 「シンプソンズがあるだろう」/ And Simpsons! That counts!
• 「 こんな妥当な選考に文句付けてる奴は、どんなアニメが入ってれば満足なんだよ 」/ What is wrong with you people!? It’s a good, reasonable list! Can nothing please you?!
• 「自分の好きなものしか認めないから」/ These clowns only want to hear about the anime they like, that’s why…

他にもっと沢山あるから、是非チェケラチョー。どうやらサイト自体が何らかクッダらない理由で閉鎖されちゃったけど（だからたったの一時的な騒動で閉鎖するなっつーの！）、幸い未だに記事が読める。

蛇足やけど、やっぱり「カウボーイ＝ビーバップ」みたいな良作が入ってないのを俺も問いたい！どう見ても可笑しいぞ！（笑）

ご無沙汰です。実は余り記事をアップしていないにはチャンとした理由が御座ったぞ。なんか、色々迷ってた。新しいブログ立ち上げようかナァーって。で、GoDaddyさんにて新ドメイン名登録をするかしないかその瞬間、池袋ウェストゲートパークのマコト君かのように「（ヤッパ）面倒臭ええ！」と悟った。新しいドメインを登録し、WordPressまでインストールして、ゼロからコンテンツを蓄えるなんて超メンドクセエ！別に従来のAJATT記事とは違う雰囲気のモノをアップしても悪くない（じゃん？）。だからこのママ継続したいかと思いますぅ。4649ね。

さて・・・

最近、広東語の習得（決して「勉強」じゃないぞ！）の一環として、陳冠希/エディソン＝チェンの音楽を聴いてんだけど・・・とにかく、奴は上手い。ラップも。ビートも。写真流出事件の所為で芸能界引退を発表した陳だが、やっぱり辞めなかった方がイイと俺は思う。歌手としても、俳優としても、続けて欲しい。ていうか、イケメン俳優が美人女優と「ああいう」（ヤバっ。韻踏んじゃった）関係を持つのがそんなにショックなの？たかが写真の所為でサァ・・・ってソモソモ悪いのはデータを盗んだパソコン修理店員だろうがよ！悔しい。

超ォォ浅はかな内容でスイマセンが、一応アタシの意見です。

以上等

First off, let me share that I believe that everyone should, no MUST, follow their own personal preferences when it comes to selecting learning materials. In order for you to learn Japanese voluntarily, it has to be enjoyable, and for it to be enjoyable, you have to be able to watch, listen to and read whatever you want that is in Japanese — or, indeed, any language. So these aren’t the best Japanese shows, they’re just the ones I like best as of right now (late 2007). Having said that, if you’re just getting started with Japanese, and/or you don’t know many Japanese shows, and you don’t live in Japan, it helps to have someone who’s watched a lot of stuff give you some tips.

Take note: a lot of these shows don’t have subs, Japanese or otherwise. But that’s fine, believe me, you’ll work it out somehow — even being able to understand only small bits and pieces is fine and normal. Also, all these shows are either comedies, dramedies, or somehow funny. Now, a lot of people will go “in learning a new language comedy is the hardest thing to understand”. No. It. Isn’t. (Dewd, I don’t know who went around spreading the bad news and deciding what’s “the hardest” in the world of everything…whoever they are, they suck!). Comedy isn’t intrinsically “hard” to understand, no more than news or a children’s book is. What perhaps sets comedy apart is the necessity of prior knowledge in order for the comedy to be enjoyed. That prior knowledge may be the source of whatever reference or parody is being made (by the way, a lot of really good comedy often contains a lot of internal, self-contained references, so that abbreviates the prior knowledge requirement right there). Or it may be prior knowledge of whatever social norm/status quo is being inappropriately ignored or applied. So, if, as Stephen Colbert and others have suggested, comedy is about status change and betrayal, then you need to know what the original status is or was, in order to recognize the change and therefore (perhaps) find it funny.

Anyway, the comedy itself is not very hard. Like I said, a lot of the best comedy is actually very high in self-references. This may be because, as Jerry Seinfeld suggested in his comedy book, a comedian generally needs to be able to build some kind of semi-realistic logical baseline from which to launch her jokes. As such, a skilled comedian may build a very good baseline: so good that she re-uses it. Or not, I don’t really know. My point is that you can do it. You can enjoy comedy: a lot of it is physical, low-brow or self-referential (and therefore, more or less universal) anyway, so the bar is nowhere near as high as many people appear to contend. Furthermore, the comedy itself can serve as a place for you to learn what the social norms are, such that the next time you see a joke based on the same material, you’ll be informed, and therefore in a position to enjoy it as comedy.

Oh, and by the way, if there’s ever some comedy you don’t seem to get, it may just be the case that it simply isn’t funny. Like any country, Japan is subject to a variant of the Pareto principle, whereby maybe 90% of the consistent laughs (high LPM rate throughout the show) are produced by only maybe 10% of the comedy shows — the rest of the shows suck and aren’t funny. It’s not a bad thing and it’s not a rare thing — after all, Comedy Central is built almost entirely on Chappelle, Stewart and South Park.

Where was I? Yeah, comedy is good, and I watch a lot of it. So here is my list of the best Japanese TV shows (highly biased towards comedy), for informational purposes rather than for recommendation purposes. Do with it as you will. The list is in no particular order.

• エンタの神様 (Enta no kami sama/The kami of entertainment).
  A cross between stand-up and sketch comedy, comedians (usually in duos, sometimes alone, rarely in larger groups) perform on stage in front of a live studio audience. The Enta no kami sama people seem to work really hard to make sure that the people on the show are funny, so…highly recommended. It also has subs for the punchlines.
• トリック (Trick)
  [Season 1, vol. 1] [Season 1, vol. 2] [Season 1, vol. 3] [Season 1, vol. 4] [Season 1, vol. 5]
  トリック2 (Trick Season 2)
  トリック: troisieme partie (Trick Season 3)
  トリック：新作スペシャル (Trick: The New Special)
  トリック劇場版 (Trick: The Movie)
  トリック劇場版2 (Trick: The Movie 2)
  トリック 堤幸彦演出研究序説 (The Making of Trick, behind the scenes footage and discussion with director TSUTSUMI Yukihiko)
  I don’t know if you can tell yet, but…I love this show. The plot is basically UEDA Jirou (an arrogant, cowardly, well-endowed physics professor) and YAMADA Naoko (a modestly-chested magician who’s useless on stage and chronically strapped for cash but also something of a genius in term of investigation), go around busting a string of shady psychics, cult leaders and other pretenders to paranormal abilities. Ueda pretends to use physics to bust them while Naoko does all the real work. Hilarity ensues. So, I guess it’s a mystery-dramedy, with LOTS of laughs, and great supporting characters, and all kinds of random regional dialects. Most Japanese shows don’t run more than one season. Trick ran for not one but three seasons and had not one, but two movies released in real theaters. A show has to either (a) be backed by the Illuminati, or, (b) be really good, to get this far. The answer is (b).
• ハンドク (Handoc/half-doctors)
  NAGASE Tomoya was one of my surrogate parents for Japanese (he doesn’t know this, but…). Anyway, so this show’s about new doctors (who only have half the skill of experience doctors, therefore half-doctors), working in a top-flight whiz-bang super-elite hospital run by a chief surgeon who is as unethical as he is skilled. But it’s not like your typical American medical drama. This one is genuinely funny, has actual direction, and doesn’t try to use blood-spewing emergency room patients to push up its ratings…oh, did I say that out loud?
• ごくせん (Gokusen/Yakuza homeroom teacher)
  [Season 1, vol. 1] [Season 1, vol. 2] [Season 1, vol. 3] [Season 1, vol. 4] [Season 1 Special]
  ごくせん2 (Gokusen, Season 2)
  Usually, when a show has a formulaic plot, it’s a bad thing. But Gokusen uses that to its advantage and just takes things to a whole ‘nother level. NAKAMA Yukie plays a homeroom teacher who’s secretly a yakuza. She’ll roundhouse kick her wayward students (all boys) for going out of line, but also beat up anyone who tries to harm them. And try to keep her yakuzaness a secret from the school board. By the way, my spoken Japanese became really vulgar as a result of watching this show (テメエ、▲▲▲じゃねえぞぉ！). That’s not meant as a warning, but actually as recommendation — this show is fun. Just be sure to pretty-up your Japanese later. Gokusen has two seasons. [Edit: the name ごくせん is a portmanteau (?) of 極道 (ごくどう -- the road of crime, gambling, drugs) and 先生 (せんせい -- teacher), so, yakuza teacher: for some reason, I missed the part where this was made clear on the show, if there was such a part, so this is for everyone who's wondering].
• タイガー＆ドラゴン (Tiger & Dragon)
  + Tiger & Dragon special prequel double-length episode
  This show is in terms of structure, content and characters, one of the best shows I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. I don’t mean to talk it up, but it’s an AMAZING show, and super-rewatchable. Go judge for yourself. P.S. — it has exact subs!
• ココリコミラクルタイプ (Kokoriko Miracle Type)
  Viewers send in real-life stories which become sketches which make you laugh.
• ワンナイR&R(Wannai/One Night Rock & Roll)
  Along with Kokoriko Miracle Type, part of a Wednesday night line-up called 水10 (すいじゅう/suijuu). The two shows are separate, they just run/ran back-to-back. Both are really funny. Wannai is a sketch comedy show, more fictional, but like In Living Color, having a lot of recurring characters like 轟 (Todoroki), ゴリエ (Gorie) and チョコボーイ山口 (Choco-boy Yamaguchi). The names alone will get you giggling.
• アイチテル! (Aichiteru/I rabu you)
  A roomful of foreign women from around the world (Africa, East Asia, Latin America, Eastern Europe, and cetera) who speak fluent Japanese, and two of the guys from Wannai combine for fast-paced, talk-based and often pretty biting humor. Really funny.
• はねるのトびら (Haneru no tobira/you knock on a jumping door)
  About 6 comedy duos (most comedians in Japan run as duos and do or can do 漫才/manzai) combined to make this youth-oriented sketch comedy show. A big hit with the twentysomething crowd, and with good reason. Funny stuff. カワイイ！
• サラリーマンNEO (Salaryman Neo)
  First, this show will have you on the floor laughing. Then…you’ll break your jaw when it hits the ground when you realize that NHK, the GOVERNMENT station, made one of the funniest and most sardonic TV shows to ever hit Japanese TV screens. Who says the gubmit can never get it right!? Semi-prerequisite: have worked in a Japanese company or know what it’s like to do so.
• 池袋ウェストゲートパーク(Ikebukuro West Gate Park/IWGP)
  If you only buy one Japanese TV series, buy Tiger & Dragon. If you only by two, buy Ikebukuro West Gate Park. IWGP is one of the best TV shows ever to be produced in any language…ever. It’s no surprise that it was written by the same guy who wrote Tiger & Dragon, one 宮藤官九郎 (くどう かんくろう/KUDOU Kankurou). It also stars the same guy as T&D, namely Nagase Tomoya, in the role of Makoto.

  IWGP has lots of laughs, lots of action [a little violent at times, actually], great characters and a bumping soundtrack. It also serves as a great window on contemporary Japanese youth and street culture; Kudou has a real ear for dialogue and a sense of situational realism. I’m not going to tell you any more, you have to watch it for yourself. It’ll have you saying “面倒臭ええナァ！”…

  I can’t believe I almost didn’t add IWGP to this list. It brings the total to eleven, but whatever. Definitely an example of “last but not least”.

  By the way, if you only buy three shows, buy Trick…

One of my continuing sub-interests in Japanese has been how to read things that aren’t explicitly written in Japanese. These things are a part of the Japanese language, and there are widely accepted ways as to how to read them, but for whatever reason they’re so obvious or so unnecessary to write that everyone seems to overlook them.

In learning Japanese, I’m sure you’ve wanted to know — hey, how do you read out the pauses between a phone number? How do you say “model number” just before you read out the make and model of your brand new electronic dictionary? How do you read out the zip code in an address? How? How? How?

Today, let’s cover postal addresses by way of a real example taken off the internets.

This address is taken from the Minato-Ku (Minato Ward) official site. As you probably already know, a Japanese postal address can all go on one line, since kanji (都/道/府/県, 市区町村), rather than whitespace, breaks it up.

■〒105-8511 東京都港区芝公園1丁目5番25号.

OK, let’s take this address and break it up.

■〒 (reading: ゆう・びん・ばん・ごう) . “〒” is the general symbol for Japan Post. In this case (as often) it’s being used to denote that what follows it is no ordinary number, but a postal code.

■105-8511 (reading: いち・まる・ご・の・はち・ご・いち・いち）. Notice how “0″ can be read as “まる”. This is analogous to reading “0″ as “oh” in English. You could also say “零”（reading: れい） or ゼロ; I never say ゼロ because I believe in speaking Japanese when using Japanese , pedantic sonofagun that I am. Notice also how the dash/breaker between the two groups of digits is read as “の” — just like with phone numbers.

OK, skip a few parts and go down to here. There are at least three different ways of writing (and about 5 ways of saying) what follows:

■1丁目5番地25号 (reading: いっ・ちょう・め　ご・ばんち　に・じゅう・ご・ごう)

■1丁目5番25号 (reading: いっ・ちょう・め　ご・ばん・（ち）　に・じゅう・ご・ごう). I would usually read this address with “ばん・ち”(番地) rather than just “ばん”（番）, even though only 番 is written out. It’s like pronouncing “No. 1″ as “number one”, even though it’s so heavily abbreviated.

■1-5-25 (reading: いち・の・いち・の・に・じゅうご　OR　いっ・ちょう・め　ご・ばん・ち　に・じゅう・ご・ごう). The first way is more common since it’s easier/shorter.

Anyway, I don’t want to bore you! So there it is — for more postal fun, check out Japan Post’s official site of web.