This is the fourth (extremely late) installment in a new (ideally) weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”.

お待たせ（またせ）！So sorry to keep you waiting for this week’s お巫山戯. The Khatz and I attended two big wedding parties last week, and, being the grungy T-shirts-lounge-pants-and-sneaker-wearing geeks that we are, it took a LOT of effort and focus and positive pep talks (and bribes from our friends) to get us off our lazy a**es and into formal attire. Anything formal…is like Kryptonite to us…but we did it…and it was actually incredibly fun, and we’re extremely lucky to have such awesome, patient friends. But, like I said, it took a bit of time and energy so that is why this is so late this week.

I’ve decided to take a short break from my recent obsession with potty training (I’m guessing you’d probably like to give your gag reflex a rest) and turn to something much more…pretty…and sparkling and cozy like pink hearts and glitter and fluffy bunnies!! So this week we’re going to take out our frilly Lolita umbrellas and frolic around in the magical Hello-Kitty-esque land of…

✭⋱⋆ღ♥ஐカワイイ!!!ஐ♥ღ⋆⋰ ✭

Just what exactly is 可愛い（かわいい）? Let me introduce you to some experts on the subject…

Kittens!

This little kitten （子猫／こねこ） is 可愛い…

So is this extremely sleepy （眠い／ねむい） one:

And this kitten is SUPER kawaii (超可愛い／ちょうかわいい):

Awww, ain’t that precious. 可愛くない（かわいくない）！？ There’s only one thing more 可愛い than kittens…

School Girls!

Q: What do you get when you cross 可愛い with 女子高生（じょしこうせい） — those world-renowned Japanese high school girls in ultra-short-skirted (they really are, even in the winter…I’m totally in awe…no idea how they do it) uniforms?
A: 萌え（もえ）！！

And right now nothing is as 可愛い or 女子高生 or 萌え as the manga/anime series らき☆すた (“Lucky ☆ Star” — Yes, that is an actual star symbol in the middle. Get used to it! We’re not in Kansas anymore…)

Now, I’m warning you. The intro song, もってけ！セーラーふく (Work that sailor uniform!), is like 可愛い ON STEROIDS. Brace yourself, okay? Here’s the full/extended version, complete with Japanese lyrics (thank you tanigutanigu!):

(You can find copy-and-pasteable lyrics for the whole song here.)

I know, I know, I was a bit shell-shocked when I heard that song for the first time, too.

If you want a closer look at what hit you back there, here are the opening lyrics in all their stupefying glory. For the (rough) translation, I relied on the extremely helpful line-by-line explanation provided by a knowledgeable fan here (助かりました、パトリシア＝マーティンさん！）, the English subtitles from the video clip we’ll get to in just a minute (thanks gleipnir2!), and Khatz’s suggestions (ありがとう、ダーリン！　(^з^)-☆):

It’s like peering into the jaws of madness, no?

Guess what? Most Japanese people feel completely lost, too. Here is just a sampling of the online comments I came across when I was sweating blood trying to understand and translate the lyrics:

深く（ふかく）考えちゃ（かんがえちゃ）いけない歌詞（かし）だ
These are lyrics you just can’t think too hard about.

深く考えないで　まいっか（＝まあいいか）
Don’t think too hard about it. F*** it.

ぅん!!考えちゃだめだこの歌（うた）は!!聞く（きく）に限る（かぎる）！！
Yeah!! You better not think about this song!! Just listen to it!!

And of course, the predictable

萌えーーーーー

from a smitten geek.

I even stumbled upon this hilarious mock-conspiracy-theory “exposé” that reveals how the mysterious lyrics encode information about the coming annihilation of humanity （人類滅亡／じん・るい・めつ・ぼう） in World War III （第三次世界大戦／だい・さん・じ・せ・かい・たい・せん）! (It’s even illustrated like a manga with awesome ASCII art. If you need one reason to learn Japanese, this is it…)

Why is it so hard for even Japanese people to understand the lyrics? Because under the breezy surface of this cute little song lies a Pandora’s box chock-full of school girl slang, clever word play and sexual innuendo. Linguistically speaking, this is some dope shi**.

So let us take the advice of our Japanese betters. Just roll with it. (Or invent your own conspiracy theory.) Do NOT try to make it make sense. Just listen. Sing along. To preserve your sanity.

Now let’s skip past that really fast part to the chorus…

Wow. It doesn’t get much more 可愛い than “キャ？　ワ！　イイv” (“v” = the “v”-shaped peace/victory sign you make with your fingers…I think).

And, finally, here for your viewing entertainment and CULTURAL EDIFICATION is the first episode. In the main scene (starting at about 2 minutes into the clip), three of the four main characters — こなた （「こなちゃん」, the tomboyish one with blue hair), つかさ (the purple-haired one with a bow in her hair; her twin sister, かがみ, has pig tails), and みゆき (the overly polite, pink-haired one with glasses) — fret over the best ways to eat various pastries: a chocolate-filled cornet （チョココロネ／チョココルネ）; a cream puff （シュークリーム）; a piece of strawberry shortcake （イチゴショート）; a popsicle （アイス）; and a (soft-serve) ice cream cone （ソフトクリーム）. Enjoy:

(Is it just me, or is there something…a bit “Freudian”…about this scene? But, hey, it could just be me… I mean, what IS the best way to suck out the creamy contents of various phallic-shaped desserts? These are important philosophical questions!!)

The central question here, as posed by こなた, is which side you should eat the chocolate cornet from:

こなた：　ね、つかさ、チョココロネってどこから食べる（たべる）？

つかさ postulates that you start from the “head”:

つかさ：　頭（あたま）からかな。

こなた：　そうっか。

Okay… So the next logical question would be, which end is the head: the fat one or the thin one?

こなた：　ところでさ、頭ってどっち、太い（ふとい）方（ほう）と細い（ほそい）方（ほう）？

つかさ opts for the thin end:

つかさ：　私（わたし）はこっちの細い方が頭だと思う（おもう）んだけど。

This suprises こなた, who has always thought the fat end was the “head”:

こなた：　あっそうか。あたしは太った（ふとった）方（ほう）が頭だと思った（おもった）よ。

When こなた asks つかさ why she takes the former position,

こなた： でも何（なん）で細い方が頭？

つかさ argues that the chocolate cornet looks like a seashell:

つかさ：　だって貝（かい）みたいじゃない？

And when つかさ turns the question back on こなた,

つかさ： こなちゃんは何で太った方？

こなた offers the counter-argument that the cornet looks like a caterpillar (literally, “potato bug”),

こなた：　だってさ、芋虫（いもむし）みたいじゃん。

grossing out つかさ:

つかさ：　えっ！芋虫！？

Upon which こなた agrees that the seashell model is much more appetizing:

こなた：　まあ、でもそう考える（かんがえる）と貝の方（ほう）がイメージいいね。

This model turns out to be more elegant in theory than in practice, however. When Konata bites the thin end, the chocolate filling squeezes out of the fat end, and she has to keep turning it around to lick the extra chocolate before it falls out.

At which point, the perfectionist Miyuki has to intervene…

みゆき：　あ、あの・・・
こなた：　ん？

She offers a third, compelling (if perhaps complicated) solution to the problem:

みゆき：　細い方が千切って（ちぎって）、余った（あまった）チョコを付けて(つけて）食べるという食べ方（たべかた）も・・・

You can also break off the thin end and dip it in the extra chocolate (from the fat end)…

つかさ：　なるほどね！

Eureka! Seems to make sense.

But after a detour into how to eat curry rice （カレーライス）, what condiments to use on what dishes, and different ways of eating egg and meat dishes, Konata realizes

こなた：　あっ。ところで、太い方と細い方、どっちがチョココロネの頭？

she still isn’t sure which end of the cornet is the “head”…

So, comrades, let me turn this dilemma over to you: what do YOU think the best way to eat a chocolate cornet is? And which end is the “head”?

Next up, the only thing more 可愛い than school girls is:

School Boys!

(to be continued next week…)

This is the third installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week, you began your journey into the secrets of Japanese potty training and became a パンツマン: answering the call of the むずむず, practicing おしっこ (while humming the しーぱぱ song) and うんち (while grunting along with the うーんぱぱ song), flushing おしっこ君 and うんち君 bye-bye, and strutting around in those hot J-pants.

Yes, your sit-down style is very good. But patience, grasshopper. You still have much to learn. It is time for you to leave the dojo (道場・どうじょう） and venture out into the wide world of toilet variation!

Your favorite potty-training tiger しまじろう is back with two new magical friends. おしっこバケツ, Pee Bucket, will show you how to use the principle of timing to avoid an embarrassing EMERGENCY. And 和式トイレ, Squatty Potty, will train you in the techniques of the squat style practiced all over Asia and popular in public restrooms in Japan.

Listen to these skilled masters, and 「どんなトイレも　へっちゃらちゃ！」 — any toilet will be a piece of cake!:

Wasn’t that *special*?

Now stretch your quads and grab those training pants. It’s time for another potty training adventure!

おしっこバケツ！: Pee Bucket!

わーい！

Yay!

Boy, are you excited! You skip through the doors of the huge ヨドバシカメラ electronics mega-store in 秋葉原（あきはばら）. You start making a bee-line for the i-Pad display when

(Your name)？ トイレは？

Your momma tries to talk some sense into you: Boy/Girl, check yo self! You need to go?

うーん･･･

Mmmm… You look down at your “tummy”, listening for the むずむず’s, but instead — boom! Out pops a…bucket?

僕(ぼく） (your name) のおしっこバケツ！

“I’m your pee bucket!” he gleefully announces.

Just how many freaks you got living in there, mate? Your “pee bucket”, huh… The only thing that would make this any weirder would be if he started…dancing…and singing…oh lard here it comes:

Despite this catchy motivational song, complete with a go-go pee drops chorus, you blow off his advice, you little punk:

やっぱりまだいいや。

Meh, I’m ok for now.

But the pee-pee bucket is already hopping side to side, doing the potty-dance:

(Your name)！ おしっこどんどん溜まって（たまって）きたよ！

Yo! This pee is filling up like mad, son!

トイレ行く（いく）よ！

Get your a** to a toilet!

**********

Ten minutes later, you’re getting a butt massage in one of the deluxe massage chairs, giggling like a fool, when all of a sudden…

おっ！

*Gasp!* You grab your pee-bucket region –

あー・・・

Uh-oh…

おしっこバケツ is frantic now — he can hardly hold it in:

(Your name)！ おしっこ漏れちゃう（もれちゃう）よ！

Dude! I’m gonna EXPLODE (lit. The pee’s gonna leak out)!!

You’re running like crazy–

お母（かあ）さん！ トイレ！

Mommy! I gotts ta GO!!

お母さん’s shaking her head…

やっぱり！ さっき行って（いって）おけばよかったでしょう？

I knew it! Ya shoulda gone before, doncha know!

There you are doing a tap dance, struggling with your zipper in front of the first ceramic basin you lay eyes on…

You’re freaking out:

あー　漏れちゃう！

(*&$%@! I’m gonna pee my pants!!)

Your pee bucket’s freaking out:

早く（はやく）、早く！！

(Move it muddaf***ah!!!)

It’s the freaking end of the world…

Or is it?

…

あ～　間に合った！

Whew! Just in time! You lucky son-of-a-tiger!

Your empty pee bucket breathes a sigh of relief:

フー！

And shows you the back of his hand…well he should…but being a gentleman of honor, he raises his pointing finger (ここがポイント！– Here comes an important point!) instead and cheerfully reminds you:

（Your name)、もうぎりぎりは嫌（いや）だよ！

Don’t EVER just-in-time me again! You hold it in one more time and I will internally wound you!

おしっこがいっぱいになる前（まえ）に、トイレに行ってね！

So go potty before your bladder gets full, mkay?

But before his sage advice can sink in…

お！

Uh-oh… There’s that むずむず tickle in your butt again! And you know what that means…

あー　うんちかな？

Umm… I think I need to poo!

You look around the public restroom and…wait, what is THAT…that long ceramic hole in the ground?!!

和式トイレ！: Squatty Potty!

You start to panic…

どうしよう！ うちのトイレと違う（ちがう）。

Oh crap! It’s different from my potty at home!

And crap is exactly what you’ve got to do… But how?! Your usual パンツマン confidence is shriveling up…

But then…oh my magic sparkles?!…the squatty potty comes to life all fired-up with positive can-do gumption:

大丈夫！

Don’t worry you’re pretty little head!

僕と一緒（いっしょ）にやってみよう！

We can do it together!!

You blink your eyes, a little stunned –

おっ

Now hold on to your J-pants…I can feel another song coming on…

Then the toilet-paper dispenser whisks you off-screen as your underwear and shorts fly off of you…in a totally…non-creepy way…

And then Squatty Potty gives you your first instruction…

それじゃ、僕を跨いで（またいで）！

Ok, straddle me!

…Whoa! Ok, that’s it! You give potty mouth and his pervy sidekick a hard kick where it counts and… Wait! No!! It’s not what you’re thinking! He’s a squatty potty — what’s he supposed to say?! Drop those pants? Spread ‘em? Now for a shower of golden proportions??…

Hehe… *Happy thoughts, happy thoughts*

うん。

Ok. *Gulp*

You turn around so your butt is pointing at the squatty potty’s head, and he’s like, whoa there buddy…

ううん、そっちじゃなくて

No, no, not like that…

And you’re all

え？

Huh?

(…and now Momoko realizes she’s been doing it wrong all these years…&$%#@!…)

Now let Squatty break it down for you with another song:

Lower… lower… lower… (Watch you’re balance! you do NOT want to fall down right now…)

*Drum roll*

ストップ！

Stop!

準備（じゅんび）オッケー？

All ready?

Yep! All set! Now it’s your time to shine!

うーん うーん

A couple of grunts, and… *Bombs Away!* …a juicy little poo pops out!

出た（でた）！

Yeah, it’s out! OMG! You did it!!

ぱぱぱらっぱっぱっぱー ♪

*Trumpets!*

わーい！

Woo HOO! Yeah! Look who’s squatting now!

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Impressive. Now, young パンツマン, you are trained in the styles of both East and West. You have entered the narrow gate to deep cultural understanding. Soon you will be unstoppable!

もうどんなトイレもへっちゃらちゃ！

Now any toilet will be へっちゃらちゃ!

Oh yeah, one more thing…

Now, ladies, if you have a hard time grunting like しまじろう in public…or farting…or even making the tiniest pee tinkle, you are in LUCK because the public restrooms for women in Japan are equipped with one of the most exciting, revolutionary technologies to grace this age — the…

（おとひめ） or “Sound Princess”! It’s a handy little device on the wall next to the toilet, and when you wave your hand like a beauty queen in front of the sensor, it continuously loops a flushing sound like a sparkling mountain stream so that the business that goes on in your stall, stays in your stall.

Check this baby out:

Classy, innit? This is, apparently, one of the carefully guarded secrets Japanese women have been keeping from Japanese men. So sorry guys… I guess you’ll have write a few petitions…make a few posters…go on a few strikes if you want to get some of this action. (Or go in drag… But that’s a お巫山戯 for another week…)

‘Til next time, happy squatting!

This is the second installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week we went head-to-head with a round-up of Japanese babies and found that, despite all their cuteness, those ちび’s got nothing on us Japanese-wise.

Once those little two-and-a-half-year-old’s who can’t remember the names of colors or what they ate for lunch pass their third birthday, however, it’s a different story. Suddenly you’ve got an entitled motor-mouth bossing you around and trying to explain these long, convoluted stories as you desperately nod your incomprehensive face and hope she won’t be able to tell she lost you 10 minutes back after the first breathless あのね、･･･ .

Yes, those three-year-old’s have something…special.

I’ve thought about this phenomenon long and hard, and as I see it, the one thing these kids got that we don’t got is the super-secret coming-of-age rite each Japanese child is initiated into just before they turn three: 排泄訓練（はいせつくんれん）, or potty-training…in Japanese. I mean, where else would they get that gloating air of self-satisfaction, that preternatural confidence and poise?

Not potty-trained in Japanese yet? NO PROBLEM. Today, my friend, you are going to earn your very own pair of J-pants and become a パンパン・パンツマン! With the help of a singing family of tigers! Yeah!

I know, I know, you’re practically peeing your pants with excitement… Just hold that thought…just a little longer until you know what to do.

We’ll receive our basic training from the infamous classic　「トイレで できたら パンツマン」 (Use-the-Potty Pantsman/ If you can use the potty, you’re a pantsman!). Just click on the screen below and しまじろう （縞次郎 – “Stripey”) and his friends おしっこ君 (Mr. Pee) and うんち君 (Mr. Poo) will hook-you-up （there’s even a peek at some wicked しまじろう potty-training gear at the end):

(A version with helpful matching English subtitles can also be found here.)

This is a lot of information to take in at once, I know. So let’s take it step-by-step and do a little image training, yeah?

おしっこだ！: Going #1

Okay, so you’re sitting there, doing your kanji reps (プップー), gulping down your favorite sugary yogurt drink ピルクル, when all of a sudden you get this weird, prickly sensation down in your… “stomach” …

おっ！お腹（なか）がむずむずする！

you exclaim, wondering what on earth it could mean…

Then the cloying jiminy-cricket-like voice of Mama Tiger pops into your head and chimes in:

むずむずした時（とき）、なーん（何）だ？

What does it mean when your tummy goes むずむず? What indeed… You concentrate really hard, and

むずむず！むずむず！

a tear-drop-shaped gremlin starts jumping up and down all up inside of you, tickling you in strange places, making you think of…Niagara falls…*that’s right, the tear-drop-shaped gremlin means…*

おしっこだ！

Pee-pee!! Yesss!! I’ve got this one!

僕（ぼく）トイレ！

(or if you’re of the female persuasion)

私（わたし）トイレ！

I gotta go!

You scamper off to the toilet and, lo and behold, it greets you in Japanese:

やあ、(your name)！

and you’re like, ohmygosh I gotta pee,

僕／私 おしっこなの。

And then in a totally platonic, non-creepy way, the magical talking toilet tells you to come sit on its lap…

よーし、僕に座って（すわって）。

And you’re all

うん！

Yeah! Let’s do this!

Then in the back of your mind, it’s as if you can hear a million AJATTeer voices all around you, encouraging you on:

(Your name)、一緒（いっしょ）に頑張ろう（がんばろう）！

Let’s do this together!

You clench both fists with a look of grim determination like, I’m going to do this pee-pee or go down trying, and

うん！

you give a firm nod…it’s pee-pee song time.

Hmm…so catchy…しーぱっぱ… Before you know it,

やほー！

Cowabunga!!! おしっこ君 magically water-slides out of you and into the toilet, laughing hysterically like he’s having the time of his life !

And you’re all, OMG! The pee-pee came out!

おしっこ出た（でた）！

And the crowd goes wild:

わーい！やった！やった！

Woohoo! You did it!! Look at you all grown up and peeing in Japanese! Yeah!!

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Mr. Pee as you flush him down to a better place:

おしっこ君（くん）、バイバイ！

As you triumphantly wash your hands, your imaginary tiger mother heaps on the praise:

トイレでおしっこ出来た（できた）わね！

You did a pee-pee on the toilet, doncha know!

うん！

That’s right bee-atch! This little cub’s going places!

Now you’re half-way to those coveted panties. Just one more Rubicon to cross…

僕うんち！: Going #2

So you’re snacking away on ポッキー sticks and popcorn, watching your favorite Japanese drama. It’s just getting to the good part when all of a sudden…

あれ？　お尻（しり）がむずむずする！

What the? It’s that むずむず feeling again, but this time in your butt!!

Here comes that jiminy-cricket voice again, but this time in the paternal bass of Papa Tiger…

むずむずした時、なーんだ？

What could it be? Irritable bowel syndrome? Think, think, think…

むずむず！むずむず！

Woah, there’s another gremlin bouncing up and down inside your nether-regions! But this time it looks like a little brown blob…kind of like…oh ye-eah…

僕／私 うんち！

I gotta poo!!

トイレに行く（いく）！

To the toilet-mobile!

Your trusty toilet is waiting and ready for action:

よーし！うんちも頑張って（がんばって）みよう！

Righty-o! Let’s give this poo-thing a try!

うん！

All right! You’re all psyched up, you get into position, and it’s time for the poo-poo song:

One more squeeze and …

わーい！

Weeee! Out pops うんち君! What a happy little sh**!

うんち出た！

The うんち is out! You did it!

やったね、(your name)！

It’s party time! A magical ball bursts open, trumpets play, and all this confetti floats down! It’s like you’re a hero in a ticker-tape parade!

Now bend over and wipe that a**…

お尻を拭いて（ふいて）

…and say good-bye to the giggling little turd as he swirls down the hole!

うんち君、バイバイ！

Whew, doesn’t that feel good.

あ～　すっきりした！

Fresh as a daisy!

Wow, you can’t believe it… Won’t your tiger dad be proud!

お父さん（おとうさん）、僕／私 トイレでうんち出来たね！

Daddy, daddy, I did a brown poopee on the toilet, didn’t I!!!

うん！すごいぞ！

You sure did, little trouper! Way to go!

パンパン･パンツマンだ！: Look ｗho’s a pantsman now!

And now *ahem* it is time for the donning of the sacred pants:

今日（きょう）から（your name）も･･･パンパン・パンツマンだ！！！

From this day henceforth, you too shall be known as a…

*Dah duh-duh DAH!*

…pan-pan-PANTSMAN!!!

OMG!!! Look at those spanking new J-pants! Sparkling like a million suns! Go ahead, try ‘em on… Yeah, you like that?

パンツで気持ち（きもち）いい！

You bet they feel good! That’s the feeling of POWER! You’re not a Japanese baby anymore, son — now you’re a full-fledged member of the J-Pants Big People Society.

Yeah, go on, give those knickers a good smack!

パンパン　パンツマン！

Now, we must protect…this…house!

*パンパン　パン　パンパン　パン*

Who will protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

Will you protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

We must protect this house!

I will I will!!

J-PANTS!!!

Aaaah! すっきりした！Can you feel it?! That new-found pride and sense of accomplishment?

If you’re still feeling a bit lost, don’t worry! We’ll be practicing a lot more in coming installments. You’ll learn how to handle any situation — Japanese-style toilets, running out of toilet paper, having to go pee and poo at the same time, constipation…

By the end of this month, you will have *mastered* this subtle Japanese art. You, too, can be a パンパン　パンツマン!

きみも一緒にパンツマンになろう！

More fun links:

If しまじろう’s tireless enthusiasm and squeaky voice haven’t driven you crazy yet, try playing some free online games at his official website (don’t worry—no more bouncing turds).

Here are some ones to get you started (these have both sound and Japanese subtitles all the way through):

きみは　なにが　すき？/ What do you like?: Compare what you and しまじろう like (omg!).

きょうは　なにして　あそぶ？/ What do you want to ‘play’ today? (two options: shopping or soccer): Help しまじろう find food in the grocery store or play a soccer game with him.

たんじょうびは　いつ？/ When’s your birthday?: Guess しまじろう’s birthday and tell him yours.

And last but not least, be sure not to miss:

しまじろうと　ぐー・ちょき・ぱー/ Play ‘Rock-Scissors-Paper’ with Shimajirou (sound but no subtitles): See if you can beat しまじろう at Rock-Paper-Scissors (watch out — that tiger’s pretty good).

This is the first installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

I have to admit, one of the most humiliating parts of learning a language is when you realize that even three-year-olds put you to shame—after months or even years of trying to learn the blasted thing. When I go to a Japanese friend’s house and listen to their little ちびちゃん babbling away, my internal monologue usually goes something like this: #@$&*! What’s the word for dinosaur again? hide-and-go-seek? elbow? pee-pee? Sh**! Sh**! Sh**!!! Why don’t I know this stuff?! That snot face is totally owning me!

But fear not, comrades. I’ve got just the thing for our wounded egos. Maybe you suck at Japanese, but there’s no WAY you suck as hard as these slobbering cretins precious bundles of joy. (Or you won’t in about 2 minutes after reading this.)

I give you: Japanese babies that suck. Even harder than you.

First off, let’s start with …

Counting!

The title of our first video translates “A baby who can count”. See what you think…

「数字を数える赤ちゃん」? I don’t think so! You can’t just make the same incoherent sound whenever your mom pauses and call that counting. That’s いち、に、さん fool!!

This next baby got one number right…

…and consistently forgot all the nine ones that came before it! Nice. Again, that’s いち、に、さん, not いち、に、じゃ～ん. You just can’t make this stuff up…

I don’t know, folks, but if his parents can claim he can count after that, where, I guess 「数」 is “number” instead of “numbers”, then we all know Japanese. I mean, you know “sushi”, right?

Let’s move on to

Colors!

Our next little ちび is either color blind or suffers from severe short-term memory loss. You decide:

That’s ピンク、あお、あか bee-atch!

Aww… But let’s give her another chance. In this second attempt, she starts out strong…

…and sharply nose-dives into a long stream of gobbledygook.

Take a look at this scorecard:

That’s after, what, two years of Japanese immersion?! Baby, please.

Last of all, let’s take a look at

Food!

“What did you eat?” A question so simple, even a two-and-a-half-year-old who had just eaten a pear and is still sitting at the table wearing her bib could answer it, no problem, right? Right?

I love it! First her dad fakes her out: もも（桃）？

She takes the bait: Yeah, yeah, that’s it, I had a peach…

And he’s like: Unh-unhh *you had a pear, baby!!*

And she’s like: Uh, yeah! なし（梨）！

Lol, and then he’s like: Was it good?

And then she looks over at her mom for a hint, like she can’t remember: Ummmm…ye-eah…

Her mom checks: So what did you eat again?

Baby: A pear! A pear, ok, A PEAR!

And she slaps the table like, Yeah! I know what I eat!

… (Two seconds later) …

Dad, playing dumb: I can’t remember anymore…what did you eat?

Baby: ええと・・・わすれちゃったぁ！

She forgot?!! Again? After two seconds? Is this baby for real?!

Dad tries to trip her up again: もも？

She’s not going for it this time… She’s smarter than that!

And here comes the icing on the cake… Wait for it…

Baby: し・・・しか（鹿）？

…

That’s right, folks, deer. As in Bambi.
She had a pea…DEER.

Sweet Jeebus, this baby’s gone crazy! Watch out, daddy! She’s gonna eat you next before she remembers that stupid piece of fruit!

Hmm… Now let’s see… What did *I* eat　today?

1. 林檎（りんご）
2. サンド
3. カレーライス
4. サラダ
5. バナナ
6. ジュース… Oh yeah and some
7. チップス

Piece. Of. ケーキ.

As for the rest of you, I know you hippies. You had sushi didn’t you?! Don’t worry, sushi （鮨／寿司） counts. And beer （ビール）. Oh, I’m sorry, *green tea* (お茶（ちゃ））. Hippies.

Final Score

Babies: 0
Us: 5

Aaaaaahhhhhh. Can you smell that? That’s the sweet fragrance of pure ownage.

Savor it, friends, savor it.

Alright, Enough Trash-talking Japanese Babies Already

Um, I’ve said a lot of nasty things here about uh… defenseless babies that I’m not too proud of, things I didn’t mean… I’d like to take a moment to publicly apologize to these babies and their parents and thank them for graciously giving us a peek into their private lives. I mean, seriously, those are some cute kids. ＼(-_-*)　反省！！

It’s obviously unfair for an uncouth, callous American brat like me to pick apart these babies’ skills when they’re still just developing. But my point in doing so, aside from just being an immature jacka**, is to remind us that it’s just as outrageous when we put ourselves down—the Japanese babies inside of us—with ridiculous adult-level expectations.

We need to nurture our own awkward growth with the same patience, encouragement, and relaxed sense of humor these parents show toward their children. They never question that their endearingly forgetful, often incoherent babies will grow into fluent, literate members of Japanese society as sure as the sun rises in the morning. And why should they? Living things grow the way they’re fed.

So as much as you may seem to suck now, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Make sure you baby your Japanese baby everyday.

Now for those pesky three-year-olds…　さあ　来い！

Note of acknowledgment. As Ryder astutely noted in the comments below, the “I am better than your kids.” articles by legendary web pirate Maddox, creator of the aptly named The Best Page in the Universe, were indeed an important source of inspiration in writing this article.

Below are some samples of our exchanges. John’s messages contained classified information, so I shan’t reproduce them here. Oh, I didn’t tell you? Yeah, we’re totally spies, dude. What, you didn’t think it was a little weird how invested we were in this whole language deal?

Aaah, screw it. I’ll reproduce the parts of papajohn’s communication that have no operational significance. Observe that John and I have generally used one language’s syntax with the other’s vocabulary, but we have stretches of full-on Chinese. We also switch across Mandarin and Cantonese, but that’s another story.

John’s Mandarin isn’t actually “transitional” — AFAIK, he’s a Mandarin princeling — but mine more or less is. Furthermore, we’re both native speakers of English _{[...oh wait, I forgot -- apparently, according to some people, I'm not ]} so…we have English thoughts _{[That doesn't sound dodgy...no siree]}, but we also have Chinese thoughts, having been raised Chinese since the age of twentysomething . A lot of, at least, my motivation, is to communicate directly to the heart and not just the head, so this sometimes becomes a factor in choosing which language gets to be the substrate or lexifier at any given time.

Too many smilies.

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@papajohn
I think I’m too 文字 focused. Worked great for 普通話, but I think treating 粵語 like some kind of 部落方言 would work better.

@ajatt (that’s me)
No ur absolutely 啱呀 雖然有文字 但係亦都有一個好大嘅部落方言/不立文字嘅element
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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@ajatt
Glad you enjoyed the link. It’s hard to tell how 有用 a link is to other people! I’m prone to 想ing that everyone but me 已經 知道ed about it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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@papajohn
Amazon.cn hey? I’m a Dangdang man myself. Does this mean you’re riding the 簡體 train?

@ajatt
哈哈 梗唔係啦！只不過係因爲台灣嗰邊 除咗動畫之外 都冇歐美電影嘅國語配音版DVD可以買。 咁所以冇辧法囉～。仲有Amazon.cn好平添。大陸萬歲！呵呵

@papajohn
哦，明白了。大陸的配音是不是跟臺灣的有所不同？我一直覺得臺灣的配音很柔軟、可愛似的。大陸配音北方人多：）
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John and I started doing this to save space on Twitter, because Chinese characters can communicate more information in less space. In 140 kanji, you don’t even have to be pithy; yous can writes yourself a whole mini-essay!

I wonder whether such a mixed approach to output (and maybe even input?) might not be a great way to ease into 使うing your target 言語anguage(?)

In the past, it would appear that a lot of 教育ducation systems around the 世界orld have favoured a cold-turkey approach to second-language/basilectal/dialectal learners of a target language. Barring cases of forcible acculturation, the intent behind this was good — the system designers didn’t want to further encourage or create dialects/pidgins/creoles, so they went straight for the goal.

However, I did recently read about some mixed-usage graded readers for children who are native speakers of the Ebonics dialect of English. If I recall correctly, the readers are initially mostly in Ebonics, and gradually introduce more and more acrolectal [is that even the right word?]/Standard English usage until they are written completely in Standard English. Apparently, they were really successful in getting kids reading acrolectal English with ease and fluency. _{[As it turns out, according to some linguists, Ebonics is not mere slang; it's actually an entirely self-contained logical-syntactical system, with a relationship to Standard English akin to that of Schwizerdütsch to Hochdeutsch].}

And that just seems to make a lot of sense. On the one hand, mixing is, of course, “impure”, heterogeneous, asymmetrical. And that kind of thing doesn’t appeal to the little zealot inside all of us, that binary part of us that wants everything just so. But at the same time, there’s just something very natural and organic and logical and workable-seeming about the whole idea.

Human beings, more often than not, need to be eased into things, I think. Put another way, there’s far less likely to be a rebound — much like an organ transplant rejection — if the transition is gradual rather than sudden. Accomodating this apparently natural tendency can seem like a sort of half-buttocked mishmash compromise (and it can end that way if the transition window stops moving), but ironically enough it can also lead to rain on wedding days, free rides when you’ve already paid, and true, permanent behavior change in a way that coercion often does not. Coercion produces resistance. Well-executed gradual change can bypass this resistance completely.

Frog in hot water. Frog in water that gradually gets hotter.

This gradualism thing, we are seeing, is true of children, and I think it may be even more true of adults. Not because adults are less malleable or resilient than kids or any other ageist crap like that, but because adults have the power to resist and escape. I’ve seen this with training my two cats, who are of different ages: it’s not actually “easier” to train kittens — they have short attention spans and less background knowledge — but kittens aren’t as strong as adult cats, so you can…you know…literally put them right where you want them. With adult cats, on the other hand, you kind of have to coax and negotiate and reason, otherwise you will get the scratch, motherlover.

Babies can’t turn off their immersion environment. Babies can’t build their own gaijin bubbles.

So, kids, 次回ext time you’re at a loss for 詞words…try mixing 言語anguages. Of course, you want to get to the stage where you use or can use just the one. But for now, treat it as a phase you’re going through.

To tell you the truth, I’ve already done this mixing before, but in analog form — when I was in college, I would take coursework notes in a hybrid kanji-katakana-Latin [in order of priority/abundance] shorthand, making and using words very loosely in a highly personalized, idiosyncratic sort of way; I’d often make up original kanji compounds on the spot.

When you think about it, until your vocabulary matures and fills out, you’re already a de facto “transitional user” of your target language. The only question is: do you now recognize and exploit this fact, or do you suppress it out of fear of the risk involved? As it is, with conventional methods, many people give up learning their target language and thus remain “transitional” for life anyhow. But acknowledging this “middle passage” through language-mixing may have the paradoxical effect of carrying more people through to full fluency than a strict language separation.

Anyway, food for thought. Anyone with information to share, go ahead and 發言launch words! Oh yeah — sorry for being autological; I know that annoys some people. Or maybe it’s my inner purist that’s annoyed. Yeah, it’s probably just me. Oh well…

Why is this girl so good at Japanese?

Because she spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a years studying Japanese. She has spent 40,000 hours listening to Japanese. Her name is Didi.

The people who went to college spent 5 class hours a week, plus perhaps 1-2 hours out of class per hour in class, for 52 weeks a year. That comes to 2000-4000 hours a year, being generous. This is an order of magnitude less than Didi.

Didi is just shy of four and a half years old.

Don’t ever talk to me about how kids are magical until you spend 40,000 hours listening to your target language.

Don’t ever talk to me about how you’ve spent 4 years studying Japanese when really you’ve only spent 3-6 months, counting by hours.

Don’t ever blame on something as nebulous and BS-ological as talent, what can much more easily be explained mathematics.

Put in your hours. And you will be rewarded. It’s that simple. It is a poisonous combination of ignorance, arrogance and innumeracy to expect to have even passable Japanese WITH AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE LESS EFFORT than even a typical Japanese toddler has put in.

For the record, I have logged about 20,000 hours of listening since June 2004. And my vocab is easily far larger than Didi’s (sorry, Didi! you’re still my friend!). So chalk another one up for adult learners.

Adults can do it. You can do it. Japanese — any language. But you need to step up to the plate; you need to show up; you need to not have the temerity to think that 1000 classroom hours and some homework is an acceptable level of effort. Because it isn’t. Come back with 5 figures, and then we can talk, literally .

Steve Kaufmann does a much better job explaining it than I have. If, as he says (and I think he is absolutely right) most vocabulary is learned incidentally rather than deliberately, then it is crucial that we give the vocabulary lots of chances — lots of “incidents”, lots of hours of input — to hit us, and thereby be learned.

This is not fluff. This is not theory. This is cold, hard, listen to effen Japanese in 5-figure+ quantities if you want to get good at it. That’s all you have to do. But you do have to do it. As Jim Rohn suggests, success is easy; the things that you need to do to succeed are easy. But the reason so many fail is because: “The things that are easy to do are also easy not to do”.

Language is easy. There may or may not be difficult problems in life, but language is not one of them; get it out of your head that it is.

Now get listening!

See, everyone is so discouraging when you learn a new language and say you’ll always ’sound like a foreigner’ and this is a bit depressing. I realize that certain speech patterns are set and all that but what would be your advice and aquiring an authentic accent (Japanese or any other language)?

And my response:

ACT. Pretend you ARE from that country. Pretend you’re that Jared kid from The Pretender, and that your life depends on you convincing people that you were born and raised in whatever country has native speakers of your language. Pick specific people (often, actors) to imitate and copy their mannerisms, look at the way their mouths are shaped, their hand gestures, the facial muscles they use. Be like a comedian doing impressions.

You stop being foreign when you stop believing you are foreign, at least in terms of the language. Hold yourself to the same standard as a native speaker — if someone had to talk to you on the phone, they shouldn’t be able to tell. Never fall for the excuse of “oh, it’s not my native language”. You needn’t be harsh on yourself, just always be looking for ways to improve.

I had a Japanese friend who self-taught English, and when I first met her I thought she was Japanese-American: it was that flawless. She told me she’d watched a lot of TV and movies, and had changed the way she acted and used her facial muscles and shaped her mouth when making sounds.

So, input and imitation. Input, because you have to hear a lot of examples not just of certain words, but certain COMBINATIONS or strings of words. Words change a bit when people shout, intonation changes based on emotion.

Also, pauses. Use the same pauses and bridges as native speakers. So, no “um” because “um” is English, find the equivalents of “um” and “uhhhuhhh” in the languages you are learning.

What else…YES! I call it “doping“. In semiconductor production, doping is the process of deliberately introducing impurities into an extremely pure material in order to obtain better/desired performance properties. In learning a language, doping is the process of almost “dumbing-down” or de-streamlining your spoken language by introducing inefficient elements that have function but no meaning, and serve to make it more natural and native-like. You see, foreigners, tend to learn from texts and textbooks. And text is much, much more efficient (“pure”) than speaking. In text you get straight to the point:
A) “This is an example”. [4 words, 0 long pauses]

But in speech, you amble zig zigzag-zag toward your point:
B) “Well, um, this is, like, an example or whatever…kind of, I dunno”. [13 words, 1 long pause]

Native speakers are wasteful and inefficient. This is why the Borg in Star Trek despise human communication. In my experience, native speakers use perhaps 2 or 3 times the number of words they “need”, and all that extra baggage has no lexical meaning. “Um” does not mean anything. “Like” does not really mean anything. It’s all just filler.

Make your speech more native-like by making it more wasteful — I know, it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. If you speak too plainly, without any flavor, you come out sounding robotic or just foreign (often both). Also, the wasteful pauses can help buy you time when you need to remember a specific word — you do this in your native language, too — you don’t remember a specific word or phrase, so you keep stringing words or phrases that are close to it in meaning and until you hit the jackpot. Examples:

A) “Is it like a wiki or a blog, or, like a CMS or something?”.
B) “I’ve never, like really had Japanese food, Or, I guess, been to a Japanese restaurant or whatever, at least on my own. I mean, I can, like, read the menu, but, um, you know, what’s actually inside it — the stuff, you know, the food, the tendon or whatever…Is what I want to know?”.

Not very good examples, but I think you get the point.

Finally, you want to swallow the words that native speakers swallow. For example, in Japanese, there is a word:　雰囲気. Technically, it should be pronounced “fun-i-ki”, but native speakers swallow it and say “fuinki”; I say it the garbled, native way.

Oh, one more thing: pick an accent. The easiest to pick is the standard accent since it tends to have the most materials produced in it. Either way, pick a focus: pretend the people who speak that dialect are your parents and classmates — functionally, they are.

Finally (for real), try recording yourself now and then. It can reveal where you need work. For more, try out these articles:

• Language is Acting
• How To Pronounce Japanese

In my time in Japan, I’ve found that when you first meet someone, it’s normal to start out very formal and distant, but as you get to know them better (even within the course of a single conversation), there’s this natural relaxation of the stiffness; of course, unless you’re the same age and rank, the tone remains polite — you’re not likely to be dissing each other’s mommas — but you’re certainly not talking to them as if they were Emperor Palpatine, either. In a sense, that’s exactly how it is in much of the rest of the world, too. Anyway, it’s that typical semi-formal tone that you’ll find in the interview.

I’m allergic to BS, so that type of thing is really hard for me to hear. And even harder to type out. Time for more myth-busting. You can watch and understand the news in Japanese. I’ve been doing it since 2005, and my intelligence is famously questionable.

Don’t believe the hype. There’s nothing especially complex about the news. How could a type of program that uses a fixed set of phrases, and (due to the nature of news) repeats itself for weeks at a time…be difficult? How can a form of television invented to inform a non-expert audience be difficult? If anything, news is very much a lowest common denominator of television.

As with most so-called “difficult” things, there is no magic to watching the news. You just have to get used to it. And the way you do that is by watching a lot of it. I mean a LOT. A. LOT. There was a time when I watched and listened to the news exclusively on a close to 24-hour basis (yes, when sleeping as well). I would even watch a news broadcast, record the audio from it, and replay it for days at a time. Watching, watching, watching. Listening. Listening. Listening.

The news source I used for that was the Fuji News Network (FNN). Then and now, they offer a 30-minute news digest that updates once a day. The news streams in clips of about 90 seconds. Each clip has an accompanying text section on the FNN site, often this text is an exact transcript of the words spoken by the newscaster. Even when it isn’t, it’s very close.

I would loop the FNN webcast all day. It only updates once a day, so that means a lot of repetition for you. But not in a boring way — each time the news repeats, you will catch something you may have missed the last time. Pretty soon, you’ll start to pick up the set phrases (“逮捕されたのは・・・”、”警察は事故の原因を調べています”) and the keywords (“北朝鮮”, “拉致問題”) and such.

Eventually, you’ll understand the entire broadcast. It will take a while (weeks and months), but you’ll learn a lot and you’ll feel yourself learning a lot along the way. In the end, news will cease to be a challenge for you. After that, you can either continue being a news junkie, or become a jaded news refusenik like me .

Either way, the vocabulary you learned from watching news will remain with you through your SRS. And since TV news and newspapers are related, I imagine your TV news proficiency will help you read the papers as well.

Finally, you’ll learn about more formal words and styles of Japanese speech, for example, that people when speaking formally, use filler words like “まあ” rather than “さあ”, and “ですね” rather than just “ね”, and tend to end their sentences in “・・・と、いう風に思います”. All these things that born native speakers take for granted, you the self-made native speaker can learn just like they did — through intense observation, followed by imitation.

FNN was the main news source I used; while I was using it, Yomiuri News Podcasts came into being. They offer news in both audio and video formats; which may save you having to record audio from the Fuji News Network site (although, I would still recommend doing that; it’s more fun to listen to something you’ve watched, as well as being easier to understand when you’re still learning a lot). Also, being podcasts, updates can be “hands-free” in a sense.

One of my favorite ways to simulate having Japanese friends is (was?…wait, is…is today my day to be indecisive?) podcasts. And one of the best podcasts out there is 「道産子女子高生のしゃべり場！まりもえお！」（ど・さん・こ・じょ・し・こう・せい・の・喋り・ば・まりもえお, which somewhat loosely translates to: Marimoe! Three Hokkaido High School Girls’ Hang-Out Joint!).

By the way, this isn’t another instance of me trying to force gentlemen to talk like ladies . Marimoe aren’t your stereotypical high school girls who’ve forgone the services of their brains; they aren’t airheads and they don’t really talk in a ditzy or explicitly feminine way; most of their speech is neither womanly nor manly but gender neutral, so do feel free to imitate and listen to them without fear.

Perhaps the coolest thing about Marimoe podcasts is that they have the quality of being both very natural (as if you just happened to be listening to three native speakers having a normal conversation), and very professional in that they actually do/did the podcasts on a regular basis; they pick something of a topic in advance and there are no dumb pauses — none of the narcissism and repetition of poorly done podcasts: “うん・･･･････････････・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・ええと・・・”…I mean, after a while, that just gets too much.

Whether or not you are the level in your Japanese where you understand them, there’s still value in having them playing in the background. And the cool thing about spoken word over music is that it’s not as distracting — sometimes you want to concentrate on something else while still to remaining “in Japan”; Rip Slyme are too groovy to let you focus anything else; but with something like Marimoe, you can.

Anyway, definitely give it a try.

• Marimoe
• Yomiuri Shimbun News Podcasts and Video Podcasts
• Podcast NAVI, Japanese Podcast Directory
• What is a Podcast?

“…I can certainly see how an emphasis on reading sentences leads to a large vocabulary and an intuitive sense of grammar and usage. However, what about listening and speaking? To what extent have you found that reading skills transfer over to these areas? On the site you talk about surrounding yourself with Japanese TV, movies, and music, but unlike reading material, real-world sources of audio and video are more difficult to capture in an SRS. I can imagine how intermediate students might be able to learn something from TV & movies, but as a beginner, things like TV Japan just go over my head without helping me to learn very much. Do you recommend the use of simple (yet admittedly contrived) audio resources like Pimsleur, JapanesePod101, or something else?”

Perhaps there’s nothing intrisically wrong with your typical language-learning tape, but:
1) I never used them
2) The people I have met who have used them, have trouble with real Japanese as it is spoken by actual Japanese people…
…because, as you said, they ARE contrived. So contrived as to be almost useless. Have you heard the kinds of tapes people in Japan and other countries use to learn English? Let me give you an example:

“How do you do? My name is Smith”
“Pleased to meet you. My name is Tanaka.”

The same Japanese people who listen to this kind of thing are the same ones who can’t successfully order fast food at a Wendy’s in America, or follow an episode of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”. These are the people who blame English for being “hard”, blame people for “talking too fast”, and/or buy into some quack-science nihonjinron theory that “the Japanese ear cannot process those frequencies”, because, well, it certainly couldn’t be the case that their learning methods were deficient to begin with, since they spent so much time and money on them, right? Hmm…

You see, the stuff on those English tapes, it’s not that it’s not English, it’s just that it’s the dead corpse of English injected with linguistic formaldehyde(?)…that was a spectacular failure of a medical metaphor…Anyway, it’s not alive. It’s like a wax sculpture of the actual living person that is English. I mean, who in their right mind goes around saying: “how do you do”? The English tapes would have you believe that that’s normal. And to top it off, those tapes tend to be about as entertaining as watching nails grow. Fake and boring — not a great recipe for learning.

“unlike reading material, real-world sources of audio and video are more difficult”

Aha! There’s a contradiction. Most people go around wailing about the perceived difficulty of written language. Now it’s spoken language that’s the problem. It can’t be both. Which is it? Well, in truth it’s neither one. I will admit that listening to real Japanese and reading/writing real Japanese require attention, effort and some time. Which is exactly why you can’t afford to put them off. You HAVE to start with them as soon as possible because they are “difficult” (which really only means “different” — you just need to get used to them). So start with real Japanese audio-visual sources right now. Of course, you won’t understand most of what’s said, but I guarantee you will understand at least one word. That’s how you start. With one word. For the longest time, you’ll only be able to pick up individual words. But from words you’ll grow until you pick up whole phrases, then sentences and then, eventually, the entire show. It takes months, but it is a finite process. And it’s not just words — the rhythms and cadences of real Japanese are important for you to hear, too. There are sounds that Japanese people naturally shorten, lengthen or combine. There are places in the sentence where you pause or don’t pause. The visuals — the facial expressions, the shape of the face/mouth, the bridges (“さあ”, “ええ”）. The hand gestures, the body movements. All of these are part of Japanese, too — a part that is a heck of a lot more easily, more enjoyably and more effectively (in terms of memorization) learned by direct observation than by having some textbook just list them for you.

Of course, it’s rough when you start, but it gets easier. In the beginning stages, take words you hear on TV and get short sentence examples of those words, then build on that. Nouns of course are a big part of any language — always learn a noun together with a verb that acts on it. Adverbs with verbs. Adjectives with nouns. Pay attention to what particle (wo, ni, de, etc,) is used with it. Start taking small, single steps every day while literally keeping your eyes and ears on the prize (reading, speaking and understanding REAL Japanese), and you will get there. It’s not a matter of “whether”, but of “when”. And the more time you spend on it on a day-to-day basis, the sooner “when” will come. The more you are exposed to real Japanese, the more comfortable you will become with it. It will become your default daily reality because you’ll have made it so.

I don’t actively oppose audio-learning tapes like I oppose classes, but it seems to me that they give you a false sense of security and achievement. In reality, Japanese is never going to be spoken as slowly, clearly and precisely as it is on those tapes. People (especially women) are going to talk FAST. Men are going to mumble. Things are going to be shortened — “azzaimass” is as common and natural as “arigatou gozaimasu”. Better that you face reality on a daily basis from the beginning than be lulled into safety only to have it pounce on you suddenly. The fact that people who listen to language tapes of Japanese/French/whatever are STILL floored when they go to the country only underscores the fact that those tapes can’t have been such great preparation in the first place.

“I can imagine how intermediate students might be able to learn something from TV & movies, but as a beginner, things like TV Japan just go over my head without helping me to learn very much.”

Right. That is true. But I would still recommend that you watch as much TV as possible. Having said that, understanding only bits and pieces can be unsatisfying after a while. That’s why I also recommend JAPANESE-DUBBED VERSIONS of movies and TV shows you already know and like. In my case, that meant lots of things like “Star Trek”, “CSI”, “Monk”, “The O.C.” and “Independence Day”. You know the premise; you understand the relationships; you know the plots and you may even have all the dialogue memorized. So it becomes a matter of seeing and hearing the stories you love recounted in Japanese. Since you know what’s happening, you can focus on the Japanese. I’ve found it to be fun, effective and satisfying. Even crappy B-movies turn to gold in Japanese because the predicability of the plot and dialogue frees you from figuring out “what the heck is going on here?”, allowing you to focus on “oh THAT’s how to say ‘arm photon torpedoes’ in Japanese”. You never know when you might need to have a photon torpedo armed .

In terms of learning languages, cause and effect behave strangely . If you want to get good at listening to real Japanese then the way do it is by listening to real Japanese. In other words, being able to function in real Japanese settings is both the effect and cause of exposure to real Japanese settings.

Language tapes make you feel like you are really learning something; they give you a sense of progress and achievement…But again, sometimes, I’m afraid this is a false sense. For one thing, you will almost never hear or have the same conversations as are on those tapes. Even if you ask a question that you learned from the tape verbatim, will you get the same response? Almost certainly not. But those tapes don’t prepare you for the asymmetry of reality — there are a myriad of ways to say the same thing; other people are going to use words and expressions in a quantity and variety greater than you personally ever will. Your ability to understand can’t just be on a par with your ability to produce, you have to understand much more than you will ever produce. Going back to the Japanese people who’ve learned English but have trouble at fast-food restaurants: “Here or to go?” and “Shall I supersize that” were the questions that stumped them.

What was the problem? You could fill reams of paper with the answer to that question. They didn’t know about the “verbing” of nouns, compound words, slang…whatever.

What is the solution? Put more fast-food sections on the English tapes? No. That’s simply patching a problem without actually solving it — treating a symptom without curing the disease.

You can’t just increase the amount of vocabulary either, at least in part because the obvious basic features of a language (standard grammar structures, noun vocabulary) alone will not allow you to function smoothly in that language. Not even close. As much as the more obvious features of a language are necessary, equally necessary is a deep or deeper understanding of the underlying logic of a language. I don’t know what this understanding should be called, some people call it an instinct or an intuition, but that almost sounds too intangible because whether or not someone understands this underlying logic very tangibly makes or breaks them in a language. Not understanding this underlying logic is the cause of translations that are grammatically and syntatically correct but that just don’t “work”. They just don’t “sit” right. They’re awkward, stilted. They’re not “wrong”, yet they are completely wrong. For proof, watch any Japanese TV commercial with English in it: “For your number one”, “Inspire the next”…Hurrrnnh?

There are linguists who devote their careers analyzing and explaining this underlying logic. And that’s a good thing. Meanwhile, textbook writers try (and almost always fail) to codify this logic, which leaves a student confused; or they ignore and sidestep it, leaving a student ignorant and defenseless: after months or years of fake, whitewashed textbook-style Japanese, some students never recover from the shock of “real” Japanese and give up, mystified and mystifying this “impossible Eastern language”, because, you know those East Asians, so “inscrutable” (*eyes roll into back of head*).

I believe that the individual wanting to become a native-like speaker is best off training her brain’s instinct to simply DO it. To get it right and “keep it real” from the beginning. Leave the analysis for the academic discussion because it’s too long-winded and clumsily-worded to be useful anyway — you need to know real Japanese and you need to know it soon. You need to be flexible, fast on the uptake and quick on your feet. The way to do that is to expose yourself to authentic, by-and-for native-speakers Japanese on a constant basis — to observe, understand and imitate real Japanese. Face reality from the beginning.

And that’s not all. Don’t even get me started on different regional accents. Where’s the tape for those? Just think of how many accents you as an English speaker can deal with, even though you may only speak with one. Japanese has dialects, too. You don’t need to use them, but you can’t pretend they don’t exist.

Just because you feel like you’re learning, that doesn’t mean that you really are. Just because you feel like you’re drowning, that doesn’t mean that you won’t swim and live. Feeling that you know Japanese because you can follow fake tapes of it is like feeling like you know an animal because you’ve seen it stuffed in a museum or tamed at a circus. It just doesn’t work that way. You need to see the critter “alive” and in “the wild”. Build yourself a “hidden observation post” ( i.e. acquire and surround yourself with real Japanese materials whether or not you are in Japan) if you need to. Or, if you’re in Japan, turn on the TV and radio; go down to the video store. Whatever it takes. You can take this “language as animal” analogy further. Who are the Western world’s greatest experts on gorillas and chimpanzees respectively? Diane Fossey and Jane Goodall. Both these people literally surrounded themselves with the subject of their study. They didn’t go to the circus, the museum or the zoo. They went to forests in Cameroon and Rwanda to see the real thing. It’s not that they were smarter than their colleagues — they just had better methods. The same goes for language, except that language has the benefit that you don’t have travel to it in order to “feel the realness”. The very nature of language allows you experience it across space and time. In other words, you can bring the language to you; you can turn wherever you are into a little Japan without any fundamental loss of authenticity.

I know I’ve said some harsh things here, and it’s not meant as an attack on any particular audio publisher. They are all trying their best to help people. And there are, in fact, realistic audio tapes out there (I used some for Chinese once), but I definitely get the impression that these are few and far between, the exception rather than the rule — the same company will produce one or two good (realistic) tapes, but then put out a lot of cookie-cutter stuff, too. When learning a language HAVING FUN is crucial. If something gets boring, take a break. If something is always boring, throw it out. Life is short, so do things that are fun and productive.

A baby is born into the world. She doesn’t know ANY language or ANY customs. Three years later, she’s not only talking, she has to be told to shut up. “Well, babies are magical”, people say. Bollocks. Babies are stupid and ignorant. But with that ignorance comes an ignorance of embarassement, of fear, of limitations. 24/7/365 for 2-3 years, they are exposed to their native language(s) and as toddlers “suddenly” become quite fluent in it/them; no one ever tells them that it’s “hard” or that “it can’t be done”.Nothing is ever expected of babies but success. There is no magic to it; it’s not a “miracle”. If you take a seed, plant it, water it and give it light, don’t act surprised when one day things suddenly start shooting up out of the soil. If we really look at the conditions under which babies are working we see that their success is virtually inevitable. When we as adults work with the daily devotion and unshakeable conviction of a baby combined with our extensive knowledge, life experience and abstract reasoning abilities, we also inevitably succeed; we work our own “miracles”. You and I have to believe that we adults have a lot more going for us cerebrally than babies. What, then, stands in our way? Only ourselves.

Spoken and written language are not hard: if given the chance, they come naturally to all of us. Just think of all the idiots you’ve met in your life …most could speak and write just fine.

We would not deny that “accent is an issue,” but we think imitating native speakers, whether in real life or on the tapes that go with your textbook, is more likely to produce natural-sounding results than attempting to fabricate the sound on your own from a notation or explanation given in writing. This is true for all matters involving pronunciation, which is exactly why our pronunciation guide has the disclaimer you mention …

It’s interesting to note that native Japanese speakers outside Tokyo speak otherwise standard Japanese (hyoojungo) with different “pitch accents” (this is what we are speaking of here, not dialect accents) and never have trouble being understood. For the student of Japanese, a flat, even intonation will always be understood, and for Americans (and some Europeans) who tend to give their words very marked pitch accents, this may be a good way to eliminate some un-Japanese sounding speech habits.

When two or three words sound exactly alike except for pitch accent, context is going to resolve the ambiguity virtually 100 percent of the time. In practical terms, accent is probably the least important aspect of Japanese pronunciation no matter what your level of language skill.

On the whole, we think most people are best off following Jack Seward’s advice … “the degree of variance in pitch is so small that the beginner is advised to voice all Japanese words … with a steady evenness of pitch … Sooner or later, depending on the sharpness of your ear, you will come to be able to distinguish among and mimic the existing minor variations in pitch.”

[...]

People without hearing impairments can mimic the melody of language, but they can hardly interpret visual accent markers into the oral/aural domain without special training because visual and auditory stimuli are processed very differently in the human brain. In all likelihood, the author of the above-mentioned letter simply feels more comfortable visually with accent markers. But using such markers to speak Japanese creates pronunciations that are worse than a crude synthesizer.

OK, so you’re learning Japanese; you’re going for the fluency; you’re going for the native-level proficiency. And as part of that, you want to be pronouncing it right. You don’t want to have the “stupid foreigner accent”. You don’t want to be doing the Japanese equivalent of “eet’s a-me, a-Maaario!”.The answer is simple, folks. Let’s break it down.

1. Talk like a robot.
Yes, I am dead serious. If you want to speak good-sounding Japanese, then talk like a robot. “But Khatzumoto, on TV and in songs, they sound so animated”. Well, not you, my friend. Trust me on this one. You see, compared to English, Japanese is sound-sparse. Very sound sparse. If you intone in Japanese like you do in English it will sound AWFUL. “KerNEEchewa! NiHON toTEmo DAIsuki deSUUU”. No. Cut that crap out. Today. It grates on the ear. Every time you do it, a clown dies. This is part of the reason classes suck—classes are full of girls called Stacy who do that.

Talk like a robot. Flat, monotone, one-beat-per-kana. Give every kana the same length. Ev-er-y-ka-na-is-one-syl-la-ble. Also, two-kana situations where you have one kana smaller than the other—ちょ、しょ、りょ, etc.—these-count-as-one-syl-la-ble-too.

2. Keep it tight
So, when I told my brother-in-law this, I said something to the effect of: “keep your mouth tight, as you would with other body cavities were you in prison”. That kind of innuendo has no place on this website! But, Grasshopper, there is much truth in this correctional advice.

OK, I’m assuming you speak English. So, English has a lot more sounds than Japanese, right? Which means that, when speaking English, you move your mouth in all sorts of shapes and configurations. Stop that. Keep your mouth tight in Japanese. There are only 5 vowel sounds. Stick to them. Do not introduce sounds that don’t exist. That’s the biggest mistake English-speakers make—introducing sounds that have no place in Japanese. Narrow your range. Shorten your stride. A. I. U. E. O.

Remember, Japanese pronunciation is cake. It’s easy. For starters, you don’t have to make any sounds you’re not already making as an English speaker. You’re using a subset of the sounds in English. So keep it tight.

3. Record yourself, and play it back.
If you’re anything like me, then this will feel like the linguistic equivalent of going to the toilet and looking closely at the results—they tend to stink. It’s gross. I hate the sound of my own voice recorded. I keep thinking I sound so cool, unti I hear the evidence and am reminded that I sound like an idiot; this is true regardless of the language in question.
So, why the torture? Because it’s good for you, and because you’re voice isn’t all bad. Playing back your own voice will help you realize where your stuff is good and solid, and where it needs work.

You don’t need to go overboard on the recording. Once a week is more than enough. Record yourself reading something aloud, hear what needs work, and work on it.

4. Pick up intonation piece by piece
Now, there is intonation and emphasis in Japanese. But, like I said, it’s far less prominent than it is in English. So much so that talking like a robot does not sound weird. It sounds good. It sounds like good Japanese. I did it for a long time.

Of course, you’re not going to want to talk like a robot forever—not because it’s bad—but because you’re no doubt going to want to express emotions through the tones cadences of your voice. This is where you’re Japanese Immersion environMent (JIM) comes in. Yes, I just made that up. The TV, movies, radio and podcasts you watch or listen to are you’re source. Watch, watch, watch. Listen, listen, listen. Over time, you will start to pick up little pieces.

You’ll notice that “desu” and “-masu” almost always get shortened such that they come out as “dess” and “mass”. Kind of like how “What the HECK” comes out as “ ‘the HECK?!”. There is this leftover ‘intention’ to say the whole word, and your mouth even more or less makes the right shape, it just doesn’t come out.

You’ll notice how people say “KANkei NAI darou!”. And so on. And so forth. One piece at a time, one expression at a time, you’ll pick it up. If you turn every available waking moment of your life into a JIM, it will come to you. Any moment of the day you do not have to speak or listen to a language other than Japanese, you should—must—speak or listen to Japanese. In the shower, while you sleep (if it doesn’t disturb you), when walking, eating breakfast, making love. Whatever.

5. Adopt a Parent
This is really an extension of the idea of picking up intonation piece by piece. Anyway—have you ever noticed that a lot of people share the speech patterns and mannerisms of their parents? This is no accident—a lot of people spend a lot of time with their parents. You probably don’t have a Japanese-speaking parent. But that doesn’t matter: you can adopt yourself one for free. And they don’t even have to know it.

Learning a language is a lot like acting. Scratch that, it is acting. In many ways, all you’re doing is an impression—an imitation—of other people. As you grow older within a given language, your awareness of this imitation decreases; the imitation has become so natural that you don’t notice it. Plus, you may even have added some unique, personal innovations of your own. Nevertheless, I can remember, even into my early teens, consciously imitating people in my native language.

The point is this—kick-start that imitation again. Pick someone and copy them. Make them your “parent”. If you’re a guy, you should pick a guy to copy; and girls should pick a girl. Watch, listen, imitate. Yes, this is sexism, but it is sexism with a purpose: there is quite a sizeable gender spectrum in Japanese. You can situate yourself somewhere in the middle, without being too macho or too girly, but there are expressions/emphases that are almost exclusively female and ones that are almost exclusively male. Also, men mumble more than women; women intone more than men; all of which perhaps explains why a lot of people initially find feminine/women’s speech “easier to understand”.

Back on topic—you probably do impressions of people already, when you’re making fun of them. Just keep doing that, and strive to make your impression an accurate one.

You don’t have to “set aside time” for this. Since you’ve created a JIM (Japanese Immersion Environment), you can just do it while you’re relaxing watching TV, or listening to radio/podcasts, or whatever. It’s not something complicated; it’s just something you do.

Closing
Anyway, that’s how I did it and it worked well for me. Remember, as always, have FUN!