Trick-or-treating brings young people out on the streets after dark, leaving them vulnerable to attacks when they least expect it. And we’re not talking about people that kill cats or put razor blades in apples or poison lollipops… No, there is a much more serious threat, a threat that can easily grow to post-apocalyptic proportions if left unchecked…

We are talking, of course, about zombies.

Luckily, at least one successful escape from a would-be flesh eater has been captured on video. A few years ago in Japan, against all odds, a young boy — with a little bit of help from his sister and younger brother – saved their family from a zombie attack. As avid horror film enthusiasts, the three children were uniquely prepared with the knowledge and tools they would need. Their valiant fight was recorded by a TV camera crew who just happened to be filming at their home that night.

We present that footage here, in the hope that it can act as a kind of instructional video to help us all prepare for the unthinkable.

 「ホラー大好き3姉弟、ゾンビ撃退作戦！」 （ほらー・だいすき・さん・してい＝きょうだい、ぞんび・げきたいさくせん！： “3 Horror-Loving Siblings and Their Zombie-Repelling Tactics!”）

The Night That Turned Their World Upside-Down

It was an evening just like any other evening. The family members were relaxing at home, enjoying wholesome family activities like imitating the crabwalk from the Exorcist—a “special skill” (特技・とくぎ) of the daughter.

Then all of a sudden—

外から悲鳴が・・・　（そと　から　ひめい　が・・・）

—shrieks from outside.

The family hurried out to see what was happening, only to find

逃げ惑う近所の人々　（にげまどう　きんじょの　ひとびと）

panicked neighbors running down the street, fleeing from…but it couldn’t be…but yes, yes it was…

ゾンビが来た！ゾンビが来たぞ！皆が好きなゾンビが来たぞ！

（ぞんび　が　きた！　ぞんび　が　きた　ぞ！　みんな　が　すきな　ぞんび　が　きた　ぞ！）

A zombie! In a tragic twist of irony, one of the children’s favorite horror film icons had come to attack their own neighborhood!

The family rushed back into their home, the youngest child, Tomo （友・とも）, overcome with terror:

怖い！（こわい！）

Unfortunately, the worst was still to come. A woman from next door arrived—

近所のオバちゃんがゾンビから預かった手紙

（きんじょの　おばちゃん　が　ぞんび　から　あずかった　てがみ）

—with a letter from the zombie!

なんて書いてある？（なんて　かいてある？）

“What does it say?” The children gathered around only to have their worst fears confirmed:

「もうすぐいきます　ゾンビ」

“I’ll be there shortly.    -Zombie”

An announcement of an imminent attack—in chillingly polite Japanese!

Battle Plans

戦おう！（たたかおう！）

“Let’s fight!” The reporter rallied the children.

俺（おれ）、やるわ！

“I’ll get him!” cried Tora（虎・とら）, the older brother, waving his toy machine gun by its barrel like a baseball bat.

よーし、やる気（き）になってきた！

“Atta-boy! All fired up and rarin’ to go!”

Meanwhile his older sister Rinko（凛子・りんこ） readied the traps. Pot hung above the door, check. Tape stretched across the bottom of the door frame, check.  And most importantly:

タバスコを配置（はいち）！

Tabasco sauce, CHECK.

３対１や！　（さん　たい　いち　や！）

“It’s 3 against 1!” she piped up with Kansai bravado as they took their stations.

Confidence was running high until…

タバスコ　こぼす！

“You’re gonna tip over the tabasco!” warned the mother. But it was too late. The sauce spilled, unnerving Tora.

But this was no time to cry over spilled tabasco sauce. Thud, thud, thud—heavy footsteps on the stairs!

The Zombie Arrives!

来た、来た！頑張って、頑張って！　（きた、きた！がんばって、がんばって！）

“He’s come, he’s come!” whispered the reporter, “Give it all you’ve got!”

Removing his shoes after entering, as Japanese zombies tend to do, the zombie

仕掛けには、全てお付き合いします　（しかけ　には、すべて　おつきあい　します）

obligingly stumbled through all the traps that had been laid. But would it be enough to stop him?!

The door creaked open…Rinko dropped the pot too soon!  In his panic, Tora threw his toy gun at the zombie and had to retreat.

But the next trap was successful! The zombie fell to his knees…

冷たい～　（つめたい～）

“It’s co-old!” He lurched up only to trip once again and plunge head first into the next trap!

With the zombie distracted…

凛子ちゃん、先回りしてサランラップスタンバイ！

（りんこちゃん、さきまわりして　さらんらっぷ　すたんばい！）

Rinko ran ahead into the next room to ready their secret weapon—*SARAN WRAP*

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen—

アレ血、アレ血！　（あれ　ち、あれ　ち！）

—“That’s blood, that’s blood!” Tora bravely guided the zombie toward the “blood” on the floor…

血！？　（ち！？）

“Blood?!” The zombie was all ears.

食べるんやろ！　（たべるんやろ！）

“Try some!”

Tabasco bombs away! His mouth on fire, the enraged zombie turned on the children…

Backed Into a Corner

早く、早く！こっち逃げよう！そっち逃げよう！　（はやく、はやく！こっち　にげよう！そっち　にげよう！）

“Hurry, hurry! Run over here! Run over there!”

Flinging projectiles at the zombie, the children backed into the inner room.

来い！　（こい！）

“Bring it!” yelled Tora from the door, holding a toy dinosaur tied to a string above his head.

The zombie lurched closer…only to be struck back by the swinging dinosaur!

死ねよ！絶対死ね！　（しねよ！ぜったいしね！）

“Die! I mean it!!”

もっと来い！もっと来い！早く！もっと来いや！

（もっと　こい！　もっと　こい！　はやく！　もっと　こい　や！）

“C’mon! C’mon! Hurry up! Come back here for some more!” Tora was on fire! He swung the dinosaur one last time into the zombie and shut the door.

みんな、用意、用意！　（みんな、ようい！ようい！）

“Everyone, get ready, get ready!” The children prepared for the final battle as the zombie pounded at the door, but a new conflict was brewing within their own ranks…

Breaking Point

友、何にもしてへんやん、自分　（とも、なんにも　してへんやん、じぶん）

“Tomo, you aren’t doing anything,” the reporter complained as Tomo hid behind a stuffed animal on the bed.

And Rinko, holding the saran wrap ready, was starting to panic,

来て、みんな、お願い！こっち来て！　（きて、みんな、おねがい！こっちきて！）

urging everyone to come closer to the door.

Tora shot back:

噛まれたらどうすんの！？　（かまれたら　どうすんの？！）

“[Come closer to the door -- great idea!] And what if he bites us[, genius]?!”

グチャグチャにソレ、すんなよ！

“Don’t mess this up!” he barked.

だって、怖いもん！　（だって、こわい　もん！）

“But I’m scared!” she pleaded.

The reporter started telling them they’d need to work together to make it through this, but Tora couldn’t take it anymore…

全然、手伝ってないくせに！何言ってんや！そんなん言わんといて！

（ぜんぜん、てつだってない　くせに！　なに　いってん　や！　そんなん　いわんといて！）

“How can you say that! YOU haven’t been helping us at all! Don’t SAY that!”

俺たち、頑張ってんね！（おれたち、がんばってんね！）

“We’re doing our best!”

He was on the verge of a meltdown, but this boy was not about to back down to a filthy blood licker…Oh HELL no!

The Final Battle

俺が戦ってやる！早く、出て来い！早く！（おれがたたかってやる！はやく、でてこい！はやく！）

“I’m taking you down! Come out here already! NOW!” Tora shouted through his tears.

The zombie staggered in through the door, closer and closer…

食べてやる！　（たべてやる！）

“I’m gonna eat you!” he rasped, and Tora, perched on top a pile of futons, unleashed a hail of blows onto the zombie’s head.  It was time for the…

サランラップ！

“SARAN WRAP!”

Rinko quickly handed it to Tora. Facing down the beast’s deathly jaws, he held up the secret weapon and…

よっしゃあ！

Hyah! Plastered it over the zombies face!

虎、ありがとうな

“Thanks, Tora,” Rinko said as she patted on some more.

The zombie flailed as they wound more and more saran wrap around his head, followed by with a storm of punches and kicks from behind.

The zombie collapsed to the floor and groaned under the relentless assault.

ゾンビさん、大丈夫（だいじょうぶ）ですか！？

“Are you okay, Mr. Zombie?” asked the reporter.

もうこんな家、来ない！　（もう　こんな　いえ、こない！）

“I’ve had it with this place!” whimpered the Zombie as he headed for the door.

来い、もっとオラ！　（こい、もっと　おら！）

“Come here! I’m not done with you yet!” cried Tora, showering the poor zombie with blows （滅多打ち・めったうち）.

But the zombie couldn’t take any more from these crazy kids.

もう二度と来ないよ！　（もう　にど　と　こない　よ！）

“I’m never coming back again!” he wailed as he limped out of the house.

VICTORY!

倒したぞ！　（たおした　ぞ！）

“We defeated him!” cried Tora triumphantly, breaking into tears of relief and exhaustion.

みんなが頑張ったから勝ったけど…　（みんな　が　がんばった　から　かった　けど）

“We won ‘cause everybody did their best,” he sobbed into the microphone…

みんな協力して頑張ろうってや　ゆったのに、あのな、協力してなかったな！

（みんな　きょうりょくして　がんばろう　ってや　ゆった　のに、あのな、きょうりょく　してなかった　な！）

“But even though I told everyone to work together, they…they didn’t cooperate!”

でもよかったな　倒れたもんな　（たおれたもんな）

“But it turned out all right! You defeated him!” the reporter pointed out, trying to cheer up Tora, who was now crying into his sleeve.

だれが頑張ったから？　（だれ　が　がんばった　から？）
“And it was all thanks to who?” asked the reporter to the boy who had almost single-handedly saved the day.

みんなが頑張ったから

“Thanks to everyone,” answered Tora, generously.

Conclusion

I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that night will go down as one of the best or worst memories of their childhood, but one thing is for certain—those three little horror fans will never ever forget it.

While nothing can really prepare you for a zombie attack, we hope this footage has shown you how a little bit of tabasco sauce, saran wrap and courage go a long way. And teamwork…if the rest of your family doesn’t chicken out on you.

More links:

Version with English and Chinese subs: youtu.be/oEUWG1tmg_I

Niconico version (registration required): www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm5140891

1. 茶の味/The Taste Of Tea (2004)
   • Quirky. No plot. It doesn’t need one. This movie is above and beyond plot. It just makes you happy. Plus it really lends itself to repeat viewings. Just watch it, man. I no I said “in no particular order”. I lied. There is a reason why this is at the top of the list.
2. バトル・ロワイアル/BATTLE ROYALE (2000)
   • A relentlessly bloody orgy of violence wrapped around an emotionally wrenching, thought-provoking story. Wrapped around an enigma. Wrapped around a  conundrum. This is the kind of movie that made Japan great .
3. インストール/Install (2004)
   • I wish 上戸彩 (UETO Aya) had been my neighborhood truant high school girl when I was ten years old … Fun story. Cool editing. Also pretty quirky, not 茶の味-level quirky, but pretty durn quirky. Based on a grown-up award-winning novel written by an actual high schooler (綿矢りさ/WATAYA Risa).
4. 誰も知らない/Nobody Knows (2004)
   • Based on a true story. Seriously messed up — I mean, it’s a about child neglect, baby — and interesting at the same time. Not a tearjerker, though: this film is better than that. Powerful stuff. Might make you want to go and thank your Mum for being such a nag .
5. がんばっていきまっしょい/Give It All (1998)
   • So I had a crush on 田中麗奈 (TANAKA Rena) after seeing her in NIN×NIN 忍者ハットリくん THE MOVIE/Ninja Hattori-Kun: The Movie (because she has the same eyes as an RL girl I used to really like. Actually, now that I think about it, all my crushes seem to be on different versions of the same three people. Now you know).
   • Tanaka’s really young in this movie, though, so she definitely doesn’t look as, you know, “all there” as she does in Ninja; she just looks like a middle schooler who will one day grow up to be…Rena TANAKA . Which leaves the fun of the story, the verdant beauty of the Japanese countryside (Ehime Prefecture/愛媛県) and…whatever you call that feeling you get from watching people who sucked at something, get really good at it. The opposite of Schadenfreude.
   • Yes, in terms of surface subject matter, it is a high school sports movie (with girls’ rowing as the sport in question), but the pacing and flow is such that it’s really more than that. It just feels like…an examination of the simple joy of life? At some level.
   • AJATT history note: IIRC, this is the first domestic Japanese movie I watched completely unaided — no subs of any kind, no prior knowledge of the plot .
6. デスノート/DEATH NOTE (2006)
   • Requires no introduction. I never really got into the manga actually. Um…certain women I know are obsessed with the actor who plays “L”, 松山ケンイチ (MATSUYAMA Kenichi).
7. にゃんこ THE MOVIE/Pussycat: The Movie (2006)
   • More documentary than movie. Follows the actual lives of real cats. There are about 3 sequels out now, all equally good. Really enjoyable.
8. 光の雨/The Rain of Light (2001)
   • Based on a novel that’s based a true story, that of the brainwashing, interrogations, physical and psychological torture carried out by idealistic, ultra-left-wing student groups in Japan in the 1970s, specifically the so-called “United Red Army“. What’s jacked up is that these Communists (Maoists?) didn’t lynch random civilians or right-wingers, they lynched each other. For basically not being “communist enough”. They even sentenced each other to death, IIRC.
   • Anyway, it’s really jacked up (psychologically, especially…you feel trapped right there with them in that mountain cabin)  and won’t leave you feeling good. But at the same time, another level, it’s also powerful and inspiring. I finished the film grateful to be living in a happy time and place, free to live my life without some rear orifice of a human being telling me what to do or think.
   • Other than the punch-in-the-crotch content, one interesting thing about the movie is its narrative structure: it’s a movie within a movie — rather than portray the incident outright, the movie tells the story of a group of typical, apolitical, present-day college students creating a movie re-enacting the original 1971~1972 events. Yeah…weird, and you’d think it might fall apart, but it totally works. It’s also a good device for easing the pressure on the viewer at regular intervals, because it really is hard to watch psychological torture, actually.
   • No, really.
   • So let’s review: it’s a movie within a movie based on a novel based on real people and events.
9. 呪怨/The Grudge (1999)
   • Way too freaking scary. I can’t watch this kind of movie. But I’m glad it gets made? In a way …
10. リング/The Ring (1998)
    • Again, I cannot watch this type of movie. But as art? I guess…it’s worthy? As freaking emotionally scarring art. Who makes these movies?! How do they sleep?!

Honorable mention (films I haven’t seen sat down and watched properly but that look good and I keep meaning to see from start to finish):

• UDON (2006)…my liking of this movie has very little to do with 小西真奈美 (KONISHI Manami)’s face, by the way. I just want to make that clear.
• クローズZERO/CROWS ZERO (2007): non-stop チンピラ (hooligan) action with great cinematography and bone-crushing sound effects…what’s not to like?
• 本格科學冒険映畫20世紀少年/20th Century Boys: A Serious Science Fiction Adventure Movie, Be Arch (2008): One of the Japanese movie industry’s biggest ever projects, budgetwise. Flawed in places but a great effort and very watchable. I just haven’t watched all of it yet. Hmmm…I guess I sound snobbish. No, I mean…they did a good job; converting an intricate, sprawling, 22-volume manga into a coherent, enjoyable, well-paced, attention-holding movie is no joke, and they took their job seriously. This isn’t some fiasco like the Gantz anime ¹. From what I’ve seen of it (it’s actually a trilogy that spilled over into 2009), it’s a decent flick.

Well, that’s it for now. This list is highly subjective and these are just my personal favorites. I actually haven’t watched as many domestic Japanese movies (邦畫) as I could or “should” . Plus I know I’ve skipped over some really cool stuff that simply escaped my memory at the time of writing, so…yeah.

Anyway…

What have your favorites been?

カイト (2010)

So Wonderful (2005)

鐘を鳴らして (2008)

Coincidence? I think not!

All those famous English-language docs you love so much, from Sicko to Supersize Me, are available dubbed in Japanese. But that’s all I’ll say about those. Today, let’s focus on domestic, homegrown Japanese stuff.

OK, anyway, in no particular order, here we go:

1. ガイアの夜明け (Gaia’s Dawn): Business-based show. Follows innovative companies in one industry per episode. A bit 會社萬歳 (“long live any and all corporations” ¹) for my tastes at times, but still…you get exposed to some really inspiring people and ideas; you get them horizons broadened…
2. トリビアの泉 (The Fount of Trivia): Not really a documentary show, but then not really a quiz show either. Basically a bunch of famous people gather in a studio, are shown some trivia, and then react to how awesome it is.
3. 爆笑問題のニッポンの教養 (Bakushoumondai’s Education for the Nation): One hour, one thought leader (usually a Nobel-level college professor), one field of expertise, two comedians taking the mickey. Pretty sweet.
4. BSマンガ夜話 (Manga Nighttalk): One night. One hour. One manga. A bunch of wacky, intelligent people.
   • I was watching this show even back before I could understand what was actually being said. The panelists were like my uncles and aunts, sitting at the grown-up table discussing grown-up stuff whose importance I could feel but whose meaning I could not fully grasp. Plus there were pretty pictures. I love this show as much now as I did then. I like people. But I love this show.
   • Sidenote: the MC (大月 隆寛/OOTSUKI Takahiro), a professor of folkloristics ², is a total jerk to women — and not in a sexy “kiss me, you fool!” way — he’s not negging, he’s just being…abusive. But…he grows on you ³. I mean, one thing you can say in his defense is that he doesn’t suffer fools; he has no patience for women who pretend to like comics just to look cute; he seems to want people to actually know what they’re talking about (and he did finally get a female assistant MC — 笹峰 愛/SASAMINE Ai — who could hold her own).
   • Before Ai became a de facto regular, one of Ootsuki’s eye-candy assistants was actually illiterate. She was hot. Of Japanese descent. But couldn’t read. On a show about books. Ootsuki was…let’s just say he didn’t seem too thrilled . It was a real miscast, and the fault lies with the talent agency, not the performer (Tina NAKAMURA) herself. Nakamura’s particular energetic, kawaii-kei style would have fit really well on a lighter, fluffier program. Despite appearances, 夜話 (Nighttalk) is ultimately quite a dense, literary show, one that demands a fair amount of cultural and intellectual depth of its panelists, whose nonchalantly delivered insights are rooted in an abyssal familiarity with both the work at hand and some aspect of the wider context. Forcing poor Tina to go on live TV and stumble every two seconds in a valiant attempt to read kanji she hadn’t learned yet was a nonstarter — distracting and unnecessary.
   • Speaking of regulars, one of the show’s panelists happens to be a certain 夏目房之介/NATSUME Fusanosuke: manga critic and grandson of 夏目 漱石/NATSUME Souseki…that’s like being Charles Dickens’ grandson, dude. I dunno. I thought it was pretty cool . He likes to joke about how his dad (Souseki’s son) was a total slacker who spent his life living off Souseki’s royalties, funding the worldwide hookers and blow industry ⁴. BTW, Souseki’s works are all public domain now, so…yeah.
   • Similar/related/spin-off shows — often featuring the same panelists — include:
     • BSアニメ夜話
     • 岡田斗司夫のひとり夜話
     • 岡田斗司夫のプチクリ學園
     • マンガノゲンバ
5. 博士も知らないニッポンのウラ (Dr. Suidoubashi’s Japan Uncovered): Words cannot describe the awesomeness of this show. It was web-original and web-only, allowing its host and guests to say things that supposedly apparently can’t be said on regular Japanese TV. Golden stuff.
   • A sequel series, 博士の異常な鼎談 (Dr. Suidoubashi’s Talky Threesome), was made for real TV. Um…I’d like to complain that it wasn’t as good as the web show, but it was pretty darn good. I think I might have preferred the guests on the original, but that’s probably just the fanboy inside me finding fault.
6. プロジェクトX〜挑戦者たち〜 (Project X: Challengers): Ever wonder about the backstory behind all the legendary Japanese technology that has brightened our days and nights since we were but babes? That’s what this show is all about. A tad hagiographic at times, but still good stuff; I mean, it’s nice to see Japanese people genuinely pat the nation on the back, because that’s something I feel happens all too rarely. What else — oh yeah, the theme song for this show got pretty famous and has been subject to a lot of parody…some junk about the Pleiades (=Subaru)…I dunno.
7. カンブリア宮殿 (The Cambrian Temple): I don’t actually like this show that much (there was, like, one really interesting episode once somewhere), but…a lot of people do. I dunno, man…it has its moments. But if Gaia is company worship, this is like…unzipping the company’s fly and performing a televised public sex act. I mean, really. Stop riding the CEO already. Gol darn, yo.
   • For more sucking up, check out プロフェッショナル 仕事の流儀 (Professional: The Way of Work), the most pathetic show ever. Yay, another sleep-deprived middle-aged man who’s marginally famous in his field, has no life, and gets paid in pride and adulation instead of actual money. I think I just wet myself. Excuse me while I change my panties.
8. NHKスペシャル (NHK Special): NHK Special isn’t a single documentary series. Rather, it’s an umbrella thingy housing multiple independent documentary series. Pretty much anything that bears the “NHKスペシャル” name turns to gold — talk about parastatal agencies getting it right, huh? Who’d have thought? I guess the sun shines on everybody’s behind at some point, doesn’t it? So, yeah, pretty much anything that is NHKスペシャル is the shizzle. But were I required to whittle it down, I’d say that two of my personal favorites have been:
   • NHKスペシャル 電子立國日本の自敘伝
     (Birth of An Electronic Nation: An Epic Autobiography of Japanese Gadget Awesomeness): Title is pretty freaking self-explanatory. Better than Project X in that the scope is larger, none of that cheesily overdramatized “one man with a dream” spin. ⁵
     • There is a follow-up to this series. Where the original 1991 BEN focused on hardware — especially microchips — the follow-up series, BEN2: 新・電子立國, made 4~5 years after the original, focusses on software, and is more international in scope.
   • NHKスペシャル 生命40億年はるかな旅 (Life: A Journey of 4.6 Billion Years): OK, we all know that life actually began 6,000 years ago in Missouri, but…for entertainment’s sake, there’s this show. It’s an oldie (the CGI is kind of dated and crap now; homeboy was first aired in 1994) but a goodie. There’s even a manga version.
9. NHK BS世界のドキュメンタリー(NHK Satellite — World Documentaries): NHK takes the best documentaries from around the world, sticks some preliminary commentary on the front end, and dubs the main content into Japanese.
10. NHK クローズアップ現代 (NHK Close-Up On Our Times): More wide-ranging in scope than a regular newsmagazine, a tad bit narrower perhaps than a regular documentary, but overall it makes for really good TV. I won’t lie, dude, NHK can seem sterile and lame, but they get it right a lot. I mean, they made サラリーマンNEO/Salaryman NEO, a vicious satire on modern employee life in Japan; these people don’t mess around; they don’t only use those license fees for hostesses, hookers and Dom Pérignon…

And that ends my list for today. It’s not really expansive or anything, it’s just stuff that I’ve watched and thus know about, that you might not otherwise have heard of. Um…it’s a bit NHK-heavy; it totally wasn’t my intention to big-up the old Nihon Housou KyouKai, but, I mean, they are the ones spending cash on educational TV — quite unlike the private terrestrial TV stations, who mostly focus on pouring out a steady stream of unfunny, low-budget “variety” shows that show an increasing lack of variety ⁶. So…yeah…there you go.

Let’s hear your recommendations!

PS: You can buy many of these these shows on DVD via Amazon Japan: http://t.co/p0OtVY4 ← Use this link and I get a kickback, which makes the world happy.

Anyway, enjoy the vid!

The basic code is more or less identical to the other bookmarklets you’ve seen here.

Anyway, here it is — link and source code.

• ﾕﾁｭ検！
• javascript:(function(){var w=window,d=w.document,s="";;if(d.selection){s=d.selection.createRange().text}else if(d.getSelection){s=d.getSelection()}else if(w.getSelection){s=window.getSelection()}window.open("http://www.youtube.com/results?search=Search&search_query="+encodeURIComponent(s),"_blank")})()

Just for kicks, here’s one for NicoNico video — Japan’s very own YouTube — as well.

• ﾆｺ検！
• javascript:(function(){var w=window,d=w.document,s="";;if(d.selection){s=d.selection.createRange().text}else if(d.getSelection){s=d.getSelection()}else if(w.getSelection){s=window.getSelection()}window.open("http://www.nicovideo.jp/search/"+encodeURIComponent(s)+"?track=nicouni_search_keyword","_blank")})()

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“Cantonese is a difficult language to learn — not because of its sounds or syntax, but because it’s hard to find good learning resources”

– Eldon

Well, let’s remedy that one mini-transcript at a time, as has been the custom established by Edwin and CanteHK!

白卜庭議長: 要派Jedi{絕地}去救Jabba{賈霸}個仔
baak buk ting yi jeung: yiu paai Jedi {jyut dei} heui gau Jabba {ga ba} go jai
[We] need to send Jedi Knights to rescue Jabba’s son

魅使·雲度: 嗯 其實我真係 好唔想同呢個壞蛋打交道
mei si wan dou: ng kei sat ngo jan hai hou m seung tung ni go waai daan da gaau dou
Hmmm…I’d really rather not deal with that ruffian.

• Audio

Note: I’ve never seen Star Wars: Clone Wars in English, so…I don’t know what the original lines were. These are my re-translation back into English from Cantonese.

This is the third installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week, you began your journey into the secrets of Japanese potty training and became a パンツマン: answering the call of the むずむず, practicing おしっこ (while humming the しーぱぱ song) and うんち (while grunting along with the うーんぱぱ song), flushing おしっこ君 and うんち君 bye-bye, and strutting around in those hot J-pants.

Yes, your sit-down style is very good. But patience, grasshopper. You still have much to learn. It is time for you to leave the dojo (道場・どうじょう） and venture out into the wide world of toilet variation!

Your favorite potty-training tiger しまじろう is back with two new magical friends. おしっこバケツ, Pee Bucket, will show you how to use the principle of timing to avoid an embarrassing EMERGENCY. And 和式トイレ, Squatty Potty, will train you in the techniques of the squat style practiced all over Asia and popular in public restrooms in Japan.

Listen to these skilled masters, and 「どんなトイレも　へっちゃらちゃ！」 — any toilet will be a piece of cake!:

Wasn’t that *special*?

Now stretch your quads and grab those training pants. It’s time for another potty training adventure!

おしっこバケツ！: Pee Bucket!

わーい！

Yay!

Boy, are you excited! You skip through the doors of the huge ヨドバシカメラ electronics mega-store in 秋葉原（あきはばら）. You start making a bee-line for the i-Pad display when

(Your name)？ トイレは？

Your momma tries to talk some sense into you: Boy/Girl, check yo self! You need to go?

うーん･･･

Mmmm… You look down at your “tummy”, listening for the むずむず’s, but instead — boom! Out pops a…bucket?

僕(ぼく） (your name) のおしっこバケツ！

“I’m your pee bucket!” he gleefully announces.

Just how many freaks you got living in there, mate? Your “pee bucket”, huh… The only thing that would make this any weirder would be if he started…dancing…and singing…oh lard here it comes:

Despite this catchy motivational song, complete with a go-go pee drops chorus, you blow off his advice, you little punk:

やっぱりまだいいや。

Meh, I’m ok for now.

But the pee-pee bucket is already hopping side to side, doing the potty-dance:

(Your name)！ おしっこどんどん溜まって（たまって）きたよ！

Yo! This pee is filling up like mad, son!

トイレ行く（いく）よ！

Get your a** to a toilet!

**********

Ten minutes later, you’re getting a butt massage in one of the deluxe massage chairs, giggling like a fool, when all of a sudden…

おっ！

*Gasp!* You grab your pee-bucket region –

あー・・・

Uh-oh…

おしっこバケツ is frantic now — he can hardly hold it in:

(Your name)！ おしっこ漏れちゃう（もれちゃう）よ！

Dude! I’m gonna EXPLODE (lit. The pee’s gonna leak out)!!

You’re running like crazy–

お母（かあ）さん！ トイレ！

Mommy! I gotts ta GO!!

お母さん’s shaking her head…

やっぱり！ さっき行って（いって）おけばよかったでしょう？

I knew it! Ya shoulda gone before, doncha know!

There you are doing a tap dance, struggling with your zipper in front of the first ceramic basin you lay eyes on…

You’re freaking out:

あー　漏れちゃう！

(*&$%@! I’m gonna pee my pants!!)

Your pee bucket’s freaking out:

早く（はやく）、早く！！

(Move it muddaf***ah!!!)

It’s the freaking end of the world…

Or is it?

…

あ～　間に合った！

Whew! Just in time! You lucky son-of-a-tiger!

Your empty pee bucket breathes a sigh of relief:

フー！

And shows you the back of his hand…well he should…but being a gentleman of honor, he raises his pointing finger (ここがポイント！– Here comes an important point!) instead and cheerfully reminds you:

（Your name)、もうぎりぎりは嫌（いや）だよ！

Don’t EVER just-in-time me again! You hold it in one more time and I will internally wound you!

おしっこがいっぱいになる前（まえ）に、トイレに行ってね！

So go potty before your bladder gets full, mkay?

But before his sage advice can sink in…

お！

Uh-oh… There’s that むずむず tickle in your butt again! And you know what that means…

あー　うんちかな？

Umm… I think I need to poo!

You look around the public restroom and…wait, what is THAT…that long ceramic hole in the ground?!!

和式トイレ！: Squatty Potty!

You start to panic…

どうしよう！ うちのトイレと違う（ちがう）。

Oh crap! It’s different from my potty at home!

And crap is exactly what you’ve got to do… But how?! Your usual パンツマン confidence is shriveling up…

But then…oh my magic sparkles?!…the squatty potty comes to life all fired-up with positive can-do gumption:

大丈夫！

Don’t worry you’re pretty little head!

僕と一緒（いっしょ）にやってみよう！

We can do it together!!

You blink your eyes, a little stunned –

おっ

Now hold on to your J-pants…I can feel another song coming on…

Then the toilet-paper dispenser whisks you off-screen as your underwear and shorts fly off of you…in a totally…non-creepy way…

And then Squatty Potty gives you your first instruction…

それじゃ、僕を跨いで（またいで）！

Ok, straddle me!

…Whoa! Ok, that’s it! You give potty mouth and his pervy sidekick a hard kick where it counts and… Wait! No!! It’s not what you’re thinking! He’s a squatty potty — what’s he supposed to say?! Drop those pants? Spread ‘em? Now for a shower of golden proportions??…

Hehe… *Happy thoughts, happy thoughts*

うん。

Ok. *Gulp*

You turn around so your butt is pointing at the squatty potty’s head, and he’s like, whoa there buddy…

ううん、そっちじゃなくて

No, no, not like that…

And you’re all

え？

Huh?

(…and now Momoko realizes she’s been doing it wrong all these years…&$%#@!…)

Now let Squatty break it down for you with another song:

Lower… lower… lower… (Watch you’re balance! you do NOT want to fall down right now…)

*Drum roll*

ストップ！

Stop!

準備（じゅんび）オッケー？

All ready?

Yep! All set! Now it’s your time to shine!

うーん うーん

A couple of grunts, and… *Bombs Away!* …a juicy little poo pops out!

出た（でた）！

Yeah, it’s out! OMG! You did it!!

ぱぱぱらっぱっぱっぱー ♪

*Trumpets!*

わーい！

Woo HOO! Yeah! Look who’s squatting now!

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Impressive. Now, young パンツマン, you are trained in the styles of both East and West. You have entered the narrow gate to deep cultural understanding. Soon you will be unstoppable!

もうどんなトイレもへっちゃらちゃ！

Now any toilet will be へっちゃらちゃ!

Oh yeah, one more thing…

Now, ladies, if you have a hard time grunting like しまじろう in public…or farting…or even making the tiniest pee tinkle, you are in LUCK because the public restrooms for women in Japan are equipped with one of the most exciting, revolutionary technologies to grace this age — the…

（おとひめ） or “Sound Princess”! It’s a handy little device on the wall next to the toilet, and when you wave your hand like a beauty queen in front of the sensor, it continuously loops a flushing sound like a sparkling mountain stream so that the business that goes on in your stall, stays in your stall.

Check this baby out:

Classy, innit? This is, apparently, one of the carefully guarded secrets Japanese women have been keeping from Japanese men. So sorry guys… I guess you’ll have write a few petitions…make a few posters…go on a few strikes if you want to get some of this action. (Or go in drag… But that’s a お巫山戯 for another week…)

‘Til next time, happy squatting!

This is the second installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week we went head-to-head with a round-up of Japanese babies and found that, despite all their cuteness, those ちび’s got nothing on us Japanese-wise.

Once those little two-and-a-half-year-old’s who can’t remember the names of colors or what they ate for lunch pass their third birthday, however, it’s a different story. Suddenly you’ve got an entitled motor-mouth bossing you around and trying to explain these long, convoluted stories as you desperately nod your incomprehensive face and hope she won’t be able to tell she lost you 10 minutes back after the first breathless あのね、･･･ .

Yes, those three-year-old’s have something…special.

I’ve thought about this phenomenon long and hard, and as I see it, the one thing these kids got that we don’t got is the super-secret coming-of-age rite each Japanese child is initiated into just before they turn three: 排泄訓練（はいせつくんれん）, or potty-training…in Japanese. I mean, where else would they get that gloating air of self-satisfaction, that preternatural confidence and poise?

Not potty-trained in Japanese yet? NO PROBLEM. Today, my friend, you are going to earn your very own pair of J-pants and become a パンパン・パンツマン! With the help of a singing family of tigers! Yeah!

I know, I know, you’re practically peeing your pants with excitement… Just hold that thought…just a little longer until you know what to do.

We’ll receive our basic training from the infamous classic　「トイレで できたら パンツマン」 (Use-the-Potty Pantsman/ If you can use the potty, you’re a pantsman!). Just click on the screen below and しまじろう （縞次郎 – “Stripey”) and his friends おしっこ君 (Mr. Pee) and うんち君 (Mr. Poo) will hook-you-up （there’s even a peek at some wicked しまじろう potty-training gear at the end):

(A version with helpful matching English subtitles can also be found here.)

This is a lot of information to take in at once, I know. So let’s take it step-by-step and do a little image training, yeah?

おしっこだ！: Going #1

Okay, so you’re sitting there, doing your kanji reps (プップー), gulping down your favorite sugary yogurt drink ピルクル, when all of a sudden you get this weird, prickly sensation down in your… “stomach” …

おっ！お腹（なか）がむずむずする！

you exclaim, wondering what on earth it could mean…

Then the cloying jiminy-cricket-like voice of Mama Tiger pops into your head and chimes in:

むずむずした時（とき）、なーん（何）だ？

What does it mean when your tummy goes むずむず? What indeed… You concentrate really hard, and

むずむず！むずむず！

a tear-drop-shaped gremlin starts jumping up and down all up inside of you, tickling you in strange places, making you think of…Niagara falls…*that’s right, the tear-drop-shaped gremlin means…*

おしっこだ！

Pee-pee!! Yesss!! I’ve got this one!

僕（ぼく）トイレ！

(or if you’re of the female persuasion)

私（わたし）トイレ！

I gotta go!

You scamper off to the toilet and, lo and behold, it greets you in Japanese:

やあ、(your name)！

and you’re like, ohmygosh I gotta pee,

僕／私 おしっこなの。

And then in a totally platonic, non-creepy way, the magical talking toilet tells you to come sit on its lap…

よーし、僕に座って（すわって）。

And you’re all

うん！

Yeah! Let’s do this!

Then in the back of your mind, it’s as if you can hear a million AJATTeer voices all around you, encouraging you on:

(Your name)、一緒（いっしょ）に頑張ろう（がんばろう）！

Let’s do this together!

You clench both fists with a look of grim determination like, I’m going to do this pee-pee or go down trying, and

うん！

you give a firm nod…it’s pee-pee song time.

Hmm…so catchy…しーぱっぱ… Before you know it,

やほー！

Cowabunga!!! おしっこ君 magically water-slides out of you and into the toilet, laughing hysterically like he’s having the time of his life !

And you’re all, OMG! The pee-pee came out!

おしっこ出た（でた）！

And the crowd goes wild:

わーい！やった！やった！

Woohoo! You did it!! Look at you all grown up and peeing in Japanese! Yeah!!

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Mr. Pee as you flush him down to a better place:

おしっこ君（くん）、バイバイ！

As you triumphantly wash your hands, your imaginary tiger mother heaps on the praise:

トイレでおしっこ出來た（できた）わね！

You did a pee-pee on the toilet, doncha know!

うん！

That’s right bee-atch! This little cub’s going places!

Now you’re half-way to those coveted panties. Just one more Rubicon to cross…

僕うんち！: Going #2

So you’re snacking away on ポッキー sticks and popcorn, watching your favorite Japanese drama. It’s just getting to the good part when all of a sudden…

あれ？　お尻（しり）がむずむずする！

What the? It’s that むずむず feeling again, but this time in your butt!!

Here comes that jiminy-cricket voice again, but this time in the paternal bass of Papa Tiger…

むずむずした時、なーんだ？

What could it be? Irritable bowel syndrome? Think, think, think…

むずむず！むずむず！

Woah, there’s another gremlin bouncing up and down inside your nether-regions! But this time it looks like a little brown blob…kind of like…oh ye-eah…

僕／私 うんち！

I gotta poo!!

トイレに行く（いく）！

To the toilet-mobile!

Your trusty toilet is waiting and ready for action:

よーし！うんちも頑張って（がんばって）みよう！

Righty-o! Let’s give this poo-thing a try!

うん！

All right! You’re all psyched up, you get into position, and it’s time for the poo-poo song:

One more squeeze and …

わーい！

Weeee! Out pops うんち君! What a happy little sh**!

うんち出た！

The うんち is out! You did it!

やったね、(your name)！

It’s party time! A magical ball bursts open, trumpets play, and all this confetti floats down! It’s like you’re a hero in a ticker-tape parade!

Now bend over and wipe that a**…

お尻を拭いて（ふいて）

…and say good-bye to the giggling little turd as he swirls down the hole!

うんち君、バイバイ！

Whew, doesn’t that feel good.

あ～　すっきりした！

Fresh as a daisy!

Wow, you can’t believe it… Won’t your tiger dad be proud!

お父さん（おとうさん）、僕／私 トイレでうんち出來たね！

Daddy, daddy, I did a brown poopee on the toilet, didn’t I!!!

うん！すごいぞ！

You sure did, little trouper! Way to go!

パンパン･パンツマンだ！: Look ｗho’s a pantsman now!

And now *ahem* it is time for the donning of the sacred pants:

今日（きょう）から（your name）も･･･パンパン・パンツマンだ！！！

From this day henceforth, you too shall be known as a…

*Dah duh-duh DAH!*

…pan-pan-PANTSMAN!!!

OMG!!! Look at those spanking new J-pants! Sparkling like a million suns! Go ahead, try ‘em on… Yeah, you like that?

パンツで気持ち（きもち）いい！

You bet they feel good! That’s the feeling of POWER! You’re not a Japanese baby anymore, son — now you’re a full-fledged member of the J-Pants Big People Society.

Yeah, go on, give those knickers a good smack!

パンパン　パンツマン！

Now, we must protect…this…house!

*パンパン　パン　パンパン　パン*

Who will protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

Will you protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

We must protect this house!

I will I will!!

J-PANTS!!!

Aaaah! すっきりした！Can you feel it?! That new-found pride and sense of accomplishment?

If you’re still feeling a bit lost, don’t worry! We’ll be practicing a lot more in coming installments. You’ll learn how to handle any situation — Japanese-style toilets, running out of toilet paper, having to go pee and poo at the same time, constipation…

By the end of this month, you will have *mastered* this subtle Japanese art. You, too, can be a パンパン　パンツマン!

きみも一緒にパンツマンになろう！

More fun links:

If しまじろう’s tireless enthusiasm and squeaky voice haven’t driven you crazy yet, try playing some free online games at his official website (don’t worry—no more bouncing turds).

Here are some ones to get you started (these have both sound and Japanese subtitles all the way through):

きみは　なにが　すき？/ What do you like?: Compare what you and しまじろう like (omg!).

きょうは　なにして　あそぶ？/ What do you want to ‘play’ today? (two options: shopping or soccer): Help しまじろう find food in the grocery store or play a soccer game with him.

たんじょうびは　いつ？/ When’s your birthday?: Guess しまじろう’s birthday and tell him yours.

And last but not least, be sure not to miss:

しまじろうと　ぐー・ちょき・ぱー/ Play ‘Rock-Scissors-Paper’ with Shimajirou (sound but no subtitles): See if you can beat しまじろう at Rock-Paper-Scissors (watch out — that tiger’s pretty good).

This is the first installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

I have to admit, one of the most humiliating parts of learning a language is when you realize that even three-year-olds put you to shame—after months or even years of trying to learn the blasted thing. When I go to a Japanese friend’s house and listen to their little ちびちゃん babbling away, my internal monologue usually goes something like this: #@$&*! What’s the word for dinosaur again? hide-and-go-seek? elbow? pee-pee? Sh**! Sh**! Sh**!!! Why don’t I know this stuff?! That snot face is totally owning me!

But fear not, comrades. I’ve got just the thing for our wounded egos. Maybe you suck at Japanese, but there’s no WAY you suck as hard as these slobbering cretins precious bundles of joy. (Or you won’t in about 2 minutes after reading this.)

I give you: Japanese babies that suck. Even harder than you.

First off, let’s start with …

Counting!

The title of our first video translates “A baby who can count”. See what you think…

「數字を數える赤ちゃん」? I don’t think so! You can’t just make the same incoherent sound whenever your mom pauses and call that counting. That’s いち、に、さん fool!!

This next baby got one number right…

…and consistently forgot all the nine ones that came before it! Nice. Again, that’s いち、に、さん, not いち、に、じゃ～ん. You just can’t make this stuff up…

I don’t know, folks, but if his parents can claim he can count after that, where, I guess 「數」 is “number” instead of “numbers”, then we all know Japanese. I mean, you know “sushi”, right?

Let’s move on to

Colors!

Our next little ちび is either color blind or suffers from severe short-term memory loss. You decide:

That’s ピンク、あお、あか bee-atch!

Aww… But let’s give her another chance. In this second attempt, she starts out strong…

…and sharply nose-dives into a long stream of gobbledygook.

Take a look at this scorecard:

That’s after, what, two years of Japanese immersion?! Baby, please.

Last of all, let’s take a look at

Food!

“What did you eat?” A question so simple, even a two-and-a-half-year-old who had just eaten a pear and is still sitting at the table wearing her bib could answer it, no problem, right? Right?

I love it! First her dad fakes her out: もも（桃）？

She takes the bait: Yeah, yeah, that’s it, I had a peach…

And he’s like: Unh-unhh *you had a pear, baby!!*

And she’s like: Uh, yeah! なし（梨）！

Lol, and then he’s like: Was it good?

And then she looks over at her mom for a hint, like she can’t remember: Ummmm…ye-eah…

Her mom checks: So what did you eat again?

Baby: A pear! A pear, ok, A PEAR!

And she slaps the table like, Yeah! I know what I eat!

… (Two seconds later) …

Dad, playing dumb: I can’t remember anymore…what did you eat?

Baby: ええと・・・わすれちゃったぁ！

She forgot?!! Again? After two seconds? Is this baby for real?!

Dad tries to trip her up again: もも？

She’s not going for it this time… She’s smarter than that!

And here comes the icing on the cake… Wait for it…

Baby: し・・・しか（鹿）？

…

That’s right, folks, deer. As in Bambi.
She had a pea…DEER.

Sweet Jeebus, this baby’s gone crazy! Watch out, daddy! She’s gonna eat you next before she remembers that stupid piece of fruit!

Hmm… Now let’s see… What did *I* eat　today?

1. 林檎（りんご）
2. サンド
3. カレーライス
4. サラダ
5. バナナ
6. ジュース… Oh yeah and some
7. チップス

Piece. Of. ケーキ.

As for the rest of you, I know you hippies. You had sushi didn’t you?! Don’t worry, sushi （鮨／壽司） counts. And beer （ビール）. Oh, I’m sorry, *green tea* (お茶（ちゃ））. Hippies.

Final Score

Babies: 0
Us: 5

Aaaaaahhhhhh. Can you smell that? That’s the sweet fragrance of pure ownage.

Savor it, friends, savor it.

Alright, Enough Trash-talking Japanese Babies Already

Um, I’ve said a lot of nasty things here about uh… defenseless babies that I’m not too proud of, things I didn’t mean… I’d like to take a moment to publicly apologize to these babies and their parents and thank them for graciously giving us a peek into their private lives. I mean, seriously, those are some cute kids. ＼(-_-*)　反省！！

It’s obviously unfair for an uncouth, callous American brat like me to pick apart these babies’ skills when they’re still just developing. But my point in doing so, aside from just being an immature jacka**, is to remind us that it’s just as outrageous when we put ourselves down—the Japanese babies inside of us—with ridiculous adult-level expectations.

We need to nurture our own awkward growth with the same patience, encouragement, and relaxed sense of humor these parents show toward their children. They never question that their endearingly forgetful, often incoherent babies will grow into fluent, literate members of Japanese society as sure as the sun rises in the morning. And why should they? Living things grow the way they’re fed.

So as much as you may seem to suck now, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Make sure you baby your Japanese baby everyday.

Now for those pesky three-year-olds…　さあ　來い！

Note of acknowledgment. As Ryder astutely noted in the comments below, the “I am better than your kids.” articles by legendary web pirate Maddox, creator of the aptly named The Best Page in the Universe, were indeed an important source of inspiration in writing this article.

Today’s transcript is from Gladiator. One of my favorite movies. I didn’t get round to seeing it until about 2005. Being a man of extensive huevos, I personally did not cry at the end, but, my…friend did. Anywhere, here’s the English and Japanese. Also:

The Japanese audio of the speech.

Commodus: How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.

Maximus: [removes helmet and turns around to face Commodus] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

コンモドゥス：「余に背を向けるのか？無礼者！兜を脱ぎ、名を名乗るのだ！」

マキシマス：「名はマキシマス＝デシマス＝メリディアス、
北軍の司令官、フェリキス軍団の将軍、
真の皇帝、マルクス＝アウレリウスの家臣。
殺された幼子の父、殺された妻の夫。
今生でなくば来世で（その）復讐を果たす。」

I like how the Japanese pronunciation (vowels, especially) is much closer to what we presume (?) Latin sounded like…well, the “Marcus Aurelius” part at least; Maximus’ name seems like it was modeling the English. Anyway, enjoy!

Today the objet of our adulation is that space-themed romantic comedy romp, Crimson Tide, starring Denzel Washington and Aragorn.

Gene Hackman’s Captain Ramsey gives that speech early on in the film before they board the U-boat. It’s one of my favorites, so I went ahead and transcribed it. Don’t ever say I never did nothing for the peoples!

Anyway, enjoy, and here’s the text of the original speech. Also, here’s a link to the Japanese audio for the little speech.

『全員整列致しました！

家鴨共よ！
露西亜でトラブルだ！
それで呼ばれた。
だから我々は行く（ﾕｸ）！
但し、最も凶悪な殺しのマシーンに乗って、だ。

その気に成れば、
戦争の歴史を塗り替える程の、強力な兵器を発射出来るのだ。
目的は唯一つ！祖国を護る為だ！
我々は国防の最前線に就き、
同時に最後の防衛線と成る。

諸君に望む事は、
最善の努力だ。
それが出来ない者は、空軍に入って貰いたい！
最高司令官は大統領であるが、
これは私の艦(ﾌﾈ)だ。
それに乗る以上は、私に従って貰いたい。
それが出来ない者は、ケツの辺りに刺激的な感覚を覚えるであろう。
私の蹴りが入るからだ！

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ミスター＝コッブ！

はい、艦長！

この艦(ﾌﾈ)の名前を知っておるか？

よく知って居ります！

それは誇り高い名前であるか？

誇り高い名前であります！

乗組員は優秀であるか？

極めて優秀であります！

偉大なる国に住む者か？

偉大なる国の者であります！

其処は世界に冠たる国であるか？

世界に冠たる国であります！

この艦(ﾌﾈ)の名は何だ？

「アラバマ」であります！

気合を入れろ！
行け(ｺﾞｰ)　「バマ」！

行け(ｺﾞｰ)　「バマ」！

艇長！　乗組員解散！

乗組員　解散！了解しました！
乗組員！これより解散して、銘々の部署に就く！
解散！』

As much as it pains me to admit fallibility, there are two words there’s a bit at the very end that I just couldn’t make out clearly. I think #1 is 「以上」 and #2 is…#2 I just have no freaking idea: it sounds like 「命令」, but that doesn’t seem like it would make much sense.

Anyone with a clearer idea…feel free to share .

[Big thanks to KREVA for totally wiping up my mess! I mean covering me!  I mean...yes!]. By way of more late-breaking news — it turns out there at least two other people online who’ve already transcribed this, so check them out here, and here.

I think maybe I’ll do the “you can’t handle the truth” exchange from A Few Good Men next…if I feel like it . Not feeling like it yet…

Anyhoo, that famous President’s speech is so cool, and the subs in the Japanese version are so unlike the dub (most likely made at different times, on different timelines, with different intentions, by different people), that I thought it fit to, since I can, transcribe the Japanese speech for you and put it up here.

Needless to say, all this is copyright 20th Century Fox or whoever, i.e. not me, so…if they want it down, it goes down . Just for kicks, here is a sound clip as well. If anyone whines about the quality, I josh you not, choking will occur .

This film’s got great pacing. I’d always thought it was 90 minutes long. It’s actually two and a half hours.

早う。
お早う！

一時間後には、
諸君は飛び立ち、
世界中の仲間と合流する。

そして人類始まって以來最大の空中戦に臨む事に成る。
然う、「人類」。
この言葉に今日、新しい意味を持たせよう。

これからは、些細な違い等にコダワって居ては行けない。
我々は共通の目的で団結する。

この日が、七月四日だというのも不思議な巡り合わせだ。
我々はもう一度独立の為に戦う。

敵が求める物は、弾圧や迫害ではない。
人類の滅亡だ。
生き殘る権利を賭けて戦おう。

必ず、勝利の旗を掲げ、
七月四日という日を、
単なるアメリカの独立記念日ではなくするのだ！

世界が声を揃えて宣言した日だ！

「我々は決して音無しく死の闇に消えたりはしない！

我々は決して戦わずして死にはしない！

皆で生きるのだ！

生き殘るのだ！

今日　我々の　独立記念日を祝おう！」

Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！
Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！
Ｕ・Ｓ・Ａ！

Enjoy. Go here for the original English text of the speech. And if you haven’t got your Japanese DVD yet, either visit your rental store or the AJATT Amazon store, or, or something!

_{※音無しい（おとなしい）is a non-standard — but not non-existent — kanji representation of 温和しい/大人しい. I like it because it reflects precisely what the President was saying in the original English: “We will not go quietly[=soundlessly] into the night!”, as you can see from the characters.}

As is the custom here at AJATT, let me be the very first to tell you precisely and in no uncertain words:

Why You Don’t Need The QRG Video And Why You Shouldn’t Buy It

• No special effects
• No hot chicks
• No hot guys
• No hot anything, really
• My Mum says I’m handsome, but does that really count?
• No 3D animation
• No popcorn
• In the background, you can still see the tape marks from when I used to try to prevent my cats opening doors (those clever motherlovers…)
• No batteries included
• I hadn’t shaved
• My posture was bad
• It’s a monologue
• There’s virtually no Japanese in it.
• Which is pretty funny for a site called “All Japanese All The Time”.
• Wanna know what’s even more funny?
• 日本語を全く解さない癖に一々「アイツのホームページはさぁ、やっぱ日本語足りないんだよね」とかホザいてる馬鹿野郎が
• That’s what’s freaking funny.
• 百年早いぞｺﾉﾔﾛｰ
• There’s lots of mumbling and rambling. To quote Tolkien verbatim: things were mumbled that shouldn’t have been mumbled.
• At one point in the video, I inexplicably feel the need to tell you that I read a lot of books — intellectual small man syndrome, hmmm?
• I have a weird, hard-to-place, mid-Atlanticy accent thing going on that is neither here nor there, and thus, ultimately, hard for everyone to understand.
• I then take this accent and mumble in it.
• It’s full of unfunny jokes.
• That I then laugh at.
• Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.
• You could just read the AJATT site.
• You could just read the QRG ebook.
• “They” (air quotes) don’t want you to have it.
• A good number of fellow AJATTeers have put up free AJATT walkthroughs on YouTube. For free. For free, meng.
• It comes with free membership in the AJATT cult wait…baby steps…baby steps…

So Who Would Want To Buy The QRG Video?

• People who bought, enjoyed and benefited from the QRG ebook
• People who have enjoyed and benefited from previous AJATT videos
• People who have read, enjoyed and benefited from AJATT articles
• People looking for a lazy, “hands-free” but action-oriented overview of the AJATT “method”
• People who prefer verbal explanations.
• People who prefer watching a video to reading large amounts of text
• People who want to get right to the AJATT “action” without wading through large amounts of interesting but “less action-oriented” individual.

The AJATT site, this site, has grown into a compendium of brilliantly insightful articles written by an incredibly handsome man. This is a good thing. The one weakness is that, well, it’s all very large, and can tend to leave you wondering “OK, but what do I DO?”.

The QRG series has been designed to fulfill the specific need to “get straight to the action”, without sacrificing the more universal and context-independent appeal of many of the articles you typically find here on the site.

Some things are best read, some things are best heard, some things are best said and heard. The QRG video, in combination with the QRG ebook, covers all these bases for you. One of the coolest parts of the video, I think, is the oral walkthrough of the entire AJATT “philosophy” (AKA “mental tools”) section.

Over and above that is the “greater than the some of its parts” effect, that inexplicable magic you get in a video that text can never quite replicate. This video is a lot like sitting with me, in my “Fortress of Solitude”, having a conversation. If that’s something you would enjoy, then I think you might enjoy this video as well.

What’s In The Package?

• A video file — digital download.
• WMV format.
• File size: Approx. 425MB
• Running time: 81 minutes
• All the points in the QRG are covered with sparkling wit and verve.

For best results, I recommend you:

• Get the QRG ebook as well, if you don’t already have it. This video is designed to be used in combination with the QRG ebook, and assumes that you already own it.
• Be learning Japanese. This video, like the current QRG ebook, is quite specifically focussed in that direction.

Own It Now!

Your copy is waiting for you. But “they” may try to take it away! So panic. Buy now. Treat yourself. You deserve this. Do something for yourself for a change! Et cetera .

• QRG Video Only: $25.95
• QRG Video + QRG Ebook + My First Sentence Pack Bundle: $35.95 (save over 37%).

No Likey? No Problem!

As with all its predecessor products, the QRG video comes with a 100%, no-questions-asked refund guarantee. If you are in anyway unhappy with the product, just shoot me an email at qrg at ajatt dot com, and I will be happy to give you a full refund on your purchase.
Even if I try to ask questions, you can be all “nuh-uh…no questions!”

This season’s greatest semi-educational blockbuster is coming soon to a PC near you!

Feel the magic.

Believe the miracle.

Use more abstract nouns.

Enjoy the hype.

実はネ、拙者を含めて多くの外国人がホザいて来た「ニッポンの人種差別」というのは、事実無根の愚痴に過ぎない。「『外人』は差別用語」だの「人に見られている」だの弱音を吐くより、先ずは全面的に自分達の日本語能力をレベルアップした方が遥かに得策。他人の国に住んでるのにその言葉をちゃんと学ぼうともしない我々外人＝差別用語を語る資格の無い、迷惑的な存在だけだ。せやから、理不尽な主張を抜かす前に責任を取りましょう。何よりもここは日本で、国の主は日本国民（俺らも税金払ってんだけどね（笑））。そんなに辛い想いをしてるなら、他に200カ国ぐらいの国家がそこら辺に轉がってるし・・・

っちゅう事を、僕とYouTubeのTkyoSamが英語圏の皆さんに、今回のビデオを通して伝えたいと思った譯。殘念ながら内容は英語のみなんだけど、まあ、ターゲット層も英語圏の奴らだから或る程度合理的な選択かと存じまする！因みに、ワイは「植物中心食生活」（←関係ねえだろうがよ！^_^）のお陰で結構減量してるので、興味のある方は是非ご覧あれ！・・・やっぱり無いか・・・

Not really. In fact, not at all. In fact, people need to shut the truck up, learn Japanese (especially reading and writing), and stop overanalyzing every interaction they have in Japan like some kind of sociopathic girlfriend. As much fun as it is to try to demonize Japan, certain highly vocal countries which shall remain nameless have more racism between the cracks of their pinkie fingernails than Japan does in all 120 odd million of its bodies put together. We all need to give the people of the J-land a break (they’re busy at it is), and learn to have the finesse — I’m one to talk — to discern “racism” from misunderstanding from culture from just being a jerk. If you must hate something, hate individuals.

That’s the basic idea of the video was very kindly put up by TkyoSam. TkyoSam’s like “Konnichiwa, motherlover! I want sushi!”, and I’m like “No! I implement Fuhrman! Look how I’ve regained my girlish figure!” and he’s like “Like I give a truck! You don’t have to eat, just come! We’re recording video!”.

So we’re there, getting around like 寿司 on a 回転, recording a video while I eat peanuts out of my bag…Anyway, yeah — here ya go. Two parts.

And to the housing thing, let me add, you will never ever be prevented from living in nice places or from making PILES of dough in this country. And isn’t that what really matters? There’s really nothing to complain about. I mean, what, are we babies that need everyone around us to smile and applaud whenever we expel waste (グー！)? Is that it (for the record, I would actually like that, but this is early 21st century Japan, where most people simply have-no-time-for-you)? Extreme example…but it hints at something: namely, that what most people are really missing may be a loving family environment.

Remember: no likey = no havey to stayey. There are about 200 countries in the world, no use getting itchy haemmorrhoids over 1 [that's smaller than California!].

Look…ok?…It was late; we were talking; the camera’s on; I have strange quirks and gestures from my childhood (“Mommy loves you! It’s not your fault!”). Then 龍 is all “come on, dawg…I don’t have any make-up on, don’t put me in the video”, so then I cut him out, and there’s no background music and you have no idea how long it took just to make this one sucky video but I’ll keep improving and now you can stop asking me whether I can actually speak Japanese the end.

And now…I’m going to go eat fruit.

And yes, this counts as “Khatzumoto: The Movie”. There! Are you feeling anticlimactic now? “Khatzumoto: The Grainy 8-Minute One-Cut YouTube Video”. The joy…

[Update 2011/07/30@0917 JST: The old transcript site died, but a new one has been found by enterprising AJATTeers! Right here: 攻殻機動隊関連 : 攻殻機動隊 : CMSB. Also, as a precaution against deletion (domestic Japanese site setup and maintenance prices are about ten times higher than the US, leading to high website attrition), there's a mirror of this site archived at gits.ajatt.com . Please use the actual site as far as possible, though, 'coz I think its owner earns ad revenue or something that way...I dunno. Plus they would prolly get a kick out of all the visitors ]

Hey all you boys and girls. Continuing our ongoing series of transcribed Japanese stuff, it happens that just as I was about to start doing it myself, I found that someone had already done it. Done what?

Transcribed all of 攻殼機動隊/Ghost in the Shell (GITS)! That’s right! All the movies [except Solid State Society] and of course all episodes of Stand Alone Complex. The dialog, baby. All of it. In Japanese! Exactly as spoken on-screen.

Those who have looked will know that Japanese/East Asian movies and TV shows that have same-language subs at all, let alone subs that exactly match dialog, are a rare and precious thing indeed. Like, I bet you’ll practically watch a mediocre show just because it has subs (depending on the language, I know I would). Some of the reasons for this are pretty decently summed up here.

GITS notably has no Japanese subs on any of its present DVD releases, despite easily being one of the densest, most literary (is that even the right word?) programs of any kind ever made. Japanese subs for GITS would have been nice. But, whatever, now we have this website — with copy-and-pastable text to boot! W00t.

So, yeah, enjoy. By the way, I would definitely recommend this kind of thing for sentence-picking. And if any of you are inclined to make sentence packs or SRS files for people, this kind of thing, i.e. Japanese by and for native speakers, would IMHO be the best for, like, the health of the world, and in terms of source material [since, as we all know, material made for learners often tends to be some combination of boring and unrealistic].

As an aside, let it also be noted that Ghibli’s 物の怪姫/Princess Mononoke also has exact subs on its Japanese DVD release. Just FYI.

And we’re done! Enjoy!

• Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG on YouTube.
• Script thereof

気楽に突っ走れ！
い・つ・で・も

倒けたら寝転べば
好い・じゃ・な・い

躓いた　謎々さ
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

楽チン頭で鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）
無理しちゃ駄目だよ
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

ちょちょちょ一寸！
ご用心！

貴方（あんた）誰？
奸人

徹夜で夢見て
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

腕白　極楽
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

知りたい　遣りたい
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

止まらない冒険
鴨冒険物語（ダック＝テイリズ）

俺って凄くない？感謝しろよ（笑）。

遥か遠い不思議な森
耳を澄ませて御覧！
勇気と愛と魔法に満ちた
歌声がほら聞こえる。

ガミー熊（ベアー）
僕らの仲間　ガミー熊（ベアー）
さあ、今日も飛び出そう！
冒険が待ってる！

誇り高き熊達の秘密
それはガミーベリージュース
大空高く飛んで跳ねて
正義の為に戦え！

ガミー熊（ベアー）
僕らの仲間　ガミー熊（ベアー）
さあ、今日も飛び出そう！
冒険が待ってる！

僕らのガミー熊（ベアー）！

以上。感謝と賞賛の言葉を待ってるよ。

待ってるよ・・・