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You Are Not, Never Have Been and Never Will Be The Right Age For Anything

You are never the right age for anything.

  • 5: You’re too small.
  • 10: You’re too big. You were so cute when you were 5.
  • 12: People would laugh
  • 15: Focus on school. You can do that when you’re 25.
  • 20: Focus on graduating college. Don’t dally, just get it out the way. You were so cute when you were 10. But now…
  • 25: Focus on starting your career. You can do that when you’re settled.
  • 30: Shoulda started in college. If you really wanted to, you would have. You were so cute when you were 20. But now…
  • 35: You should start a family. Stop being silly.
  • 40: Shouldn’t have started a family. You have responsibilities now. You were so cute when you were 30. But now…
  • 45: Pay off the house first. You can do all that weird stuff when you’re retired.
  • 50: Your body aches. Lose weight first.
  • 55: Look, just grow the f### up. Stop with the midlife crisis and childish dreams. Take a trip to Vegas, drink it up and cop a feel with a stripper like a normal person. Then put your nose to the grindstone and focus on retirement, after which you can do all that crazy stuff; I promise.
  • 60: Maybe ten years ago, when you were 50 this would have made sense. You were so sharp-looking when you were 40. But now…
  • 65: Focus on the grandkids. Don’t be selfish. It’s ugly to be selfish when you’re old. It’s endearing in young people, but on you, it just makes you look like you’re a jerk.
  • 75: People would laugh. You’re old now. You should a started when you were 45. In your prime. But that was 30 years ago, you coulda had 30 years of practice under your belt by now.
  • 85: What’s the point anyway? You were still so cute when you were 50. But now…
  • 90: Be dignified and act your age! It’s unseemly trying to be young! Get a cane and a limp like a normal person!
  • …et cetera

There’s always an excuse (and they almost all involve a story about how your efforts may have been acceptable and even admirable ten years ago, but now things are different), though your (social circle’s) excuses and the exact timing may vary somewhat.
But just because there’s poop in the toilet, doesn’t mean you should touch it. 1 Just because there’s a reasonable-sounding excuse, doesn’t mean you should accept it (let alone use it).

It will never be the right time. You will never be the right age.
So be the wrong age and do the wrong thing at the wrong time. You were probably even born at “the” wrong time (my childhood is shrouded in legend and for some reason I look like your dad, but they tell me I was born prematurely; maybe you were, too — we weren’t “the right age” to be leaving a uterus, which is a relatively straightforward, black-or-white action; why, then, would be on “the right age” for anything else?), so…screw time. You’re dying anyway.

You are not, never have been and never will be the right age for anything because there is no “right” age for anything; there are just some socially mandated fictions we agree to believe in. And some of us soon lose track of the fact that we’re playing make-believe. Are all 18-year-olds equally mature? Even roughly? Do you honestly believe that for even a second? No. We just draw these lines and put it out there. Draw your own lines. Or better yet, don’t draw any at all, and just follow your curiosity.

Why would you be too old to learn a language? It doesn’t even make sense. How can you, a person who claims to believe in the scientific method, compare the results of two completely uneven, non-blind, uncontrolled “experiments” and claim to know anything? How can you compare two sets of people (adults and children), operating in completely different external environments and then claim that all their differences are intrinsic? Because if that’s true, then I have some cold fusion at my house in Utah to show you…


  1. You know, unless you’re doing some sort of research with stool samples and even then, you probably…generally…will want to find a touch-free way of going about that 😛 . Hey, no thanks needed for that tip — they don’t call me Mr Helpful for nothing.

  13 comments for “You Are Not, Never Have Been and Never Will Be The Right Age For Anything

  1. October 21, 2013 at 20:04

    There’s no time like the present, and no day like today.

  2. Romuś
    October 22, 2013 at 03:49

    “The thing I like the most about time is that it’s not real. It’s all in the head. There is no such a thing as the past, it exists only in the memory. There’s no such a thing as the future, it exists only in our imagination. If our watches were truely accurate only thing they would ever say is now.” – Damien Echols, as read by Eddie Vedder in “West of Memphis”.

  3. jodie
    March 8, 2020 at 06:09

    You are so funny!

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